The biggest part of how others see us is how we see ourselves. I've always known this, but I think it becomes more obvious to me everyday. I have for a few years been complaining that people view me as more hard or unfeeling than I am. But I've noticed this weekend that I spend a lot of time and energy posturing myself as someone very much like that. I mean it's true, I've always been someone with a very tough outer shell, but that carapace has always been to protect the very mushy center of me. People who know me really well are fully aware of this, but most others believe my hype. And this technique has always been very helpful in protecting me from certain things and people. But the down side is of course that I have a much harder time letting new people see past that and getting to know me as I truly am. And the hardest part of all, is letting go myself of the notion that I am this hardcore granite feeling person. It's like the only times I think it's acceptable to be overtly emotional is when I'm by myself. And that's fallacy. Not only do I cut myself off from other people, but I create this dichotomy whereby I have two disparate emotional states and that's just not healthy.
So I guess that I have to find a way to integrate my softer side and to not be so adamant about my toughness. *so much easier said than done*.
Hey, life is a journey and a never ending process. I have to keep reminding myself of that.
Other than that, this is an amazing trip. It has indeed rained most of the time, but that's okay. I haven't been this relaxed in a long time. Amazing!
When I meet someone with that "hardcore granite" exterior...to me its a dead give away that the person is really putting up a front or "fallacy". We're all made up of the same mushy stuff called emotions but life's lessons has made some of us more callous than others It's good that you're trying to find a balance, and life is a journey, so you will find your way young grasshopper!
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