Lost in my Emotional Badlands

The thing you need to know about me is I like my life strictly compartmentalized. People, experiences, and even thoughts go into their own carefully sorted boxes. I do not have issues with boundaries, because I man them like a United Nations sentry detail on a contested border. In the past I allowed a few relationships to blur the lines and each and every time they blew up in my face. This way of life is not for everyone, but it works for me.

Also, I am a person that likes to know what's going to happen. I'm very good at reading people and situations, all the better to presuppose how everything is going to play out. When I say I like surprises, I mean small insignificant things. All of the big stuff I like to have comfortably in my sights well in advance. Maybe it's the product of a somewhat unsettled childhood, but I need some measure of precognition in all of my undertakings. I'm sure any reasonably insightful person could tell you this is how I've gotten myself into so many situations that were destined to go no place. Failure is a success if all you ever expected was failure.

So, I suppose what I'm saying here is that I am an admitted control freak. It's not a surface thing, as I've cultivated a fairly laid back persona. But underneath that, is a kind of unyielding presence that I don't know how to drop if I wanted to. And those two areas, boundaries and foresight, are my hot button control issues. So, you can imagine what happens when those two elude me and I go careening head-on into completely unknown state of affairs.

I am freaking out. It's all love, and yet that's terrifying out here in this new uncharted desert. I'm pretty sure that nothing is going to come of this, but I'm also probably saying that just so that I can attempt to exert some semblance of authority over the circumstances. I just feel completely disconcerted. In my mind I always thought things were one way and somehow the entire world seemed to shift. Yes, I am being extremely melodramatic, but I am trying to deal with this as best as I can. The truth is, I have no idea how to react, other than I have to admit to myself that if feels good - a little strange, but incredibly good. I guess the upside of line blurring is how comfortable I already am with one side of the line. The giant drawback, is how much the other side scares the living crap out of me. I have a feeling this internal conflict isn't going away for awhile. I'm feeling like Cristo Redentor is what I need right now. *sigh*