Midnight Maurauders

I wrote this entry on my phone a couple of Saturdays ago at like 2 in the morning after spending several hours talking to (and, I thought, vibing with) a guy who turned out to not be single. I had intended to come back and flesh this out as a full entry, but as time went on I just didn't care as much. So here is my brief thought on the matter.


It comes to mind that there are too many inconsistencies in the world. It's a world full of uncertainties and misdeeds. I'm a fairly honest person, but I know that there are plenty of others who don't share my convictions. If I'm not free, I say so. If I'm not interested, I'll tell you. And if there's no chance in hell, you'd better believe that you'll know that, sooner rather than later. I'm not fond of anyone who can't manage to push those words out of their mouth. And I cannot stand anyone who prevaricates and is just generally dishonest about their relationship status.

My Life According to ... Music

Here's a fun (and slightly frustrating) exercise. Use song titles to cleverly answer these questions. You can't use the band I used. Try not to repeat a song title. It's a lot harder than you think! Repost as "My Life According to (BAND NAME)". The original directions were to use song names from only ONE ARTIST, but I did three different versions, just for fun. (I also did them at seperate times, so the sentiments may not exactly match from artist to artist.)

Pick Your Artist:
Hall and Oates
Elvis Presley
Jay Z


Are you a male or female?
All American Girl
Hard Headed Woman
Girls, Girls, Girls

Describe yourself:
I Can’t Go For That (No Can Do)
T-R-O-U-B-L-E
Cashmere Thoughts

How do you feel:
Head Above Water
I Feel So Bad
Feelin’ It

Describe where you currently live:
Southeast City Window
In the Ghetto
Heart of the City

If you could go anywhere, where would you go:
Pleasure Beach
Promised Land
All Around the World

Your favorite form of transportation:
Your Imagination
Mystery Train
Beach Chair

Your best friend is:
Woman Comes and Goes
Teddy Bear
Girls Best Friend

Your favorite color is:
Marigold Sky
Moody Blue
Blue Magic

What's the weather like:
August Day
Kentucky Rain
It’s Hot

Favorite time of day:
Open All Night
It’s Midnight
F*ck All Nite

If your life were a TV show, what would it be called:
War of Words
A Fool Such as I
Can I Live

What is life to you:
One on One
All Shook Up
Hard Knock Life

Your current relationship:
Go Solo
Are You Lonesome Tonight?
D.O.A.

Looking for:
You Make My Dreams
A Big Hunk O’ Love
Imaginary Player

Wouldn’t mind:
Method of Modern Love
Fame and Fortune
Diamond is Forever

Your fear:
Falling
I Got Stung
Ignorant Sh*t

What is the best advice you have to give:
Do What You Want, Be What You Are
Don’t Be Cruel
Get Your Mind Right

Thought for the Day:
Love Hurts (Love Heals)
I Forgot to Remember to Forget
Some People Hate

How I would like to die:
Rich Girl
If I Can Dream
Don’t Let Me Die

My motto:
Who Said the World Was Fair
It’s Now or Never
Soon You’ll Understand

... so don't tell me, you might just let it go

Have you ever noticed how many relationships in our lives are disposable? I think most people would disagree, as they feel that their connections hold more weight than that. But, I think the issue lies in the way that we use the word relationship. In today's vernacular relationship is assigned to things that are meaningful, or at least time-consuming. But, most people disregard the fact that any link between people or parties, no matter how minute, is actually a relationship.

So when I look at it that way - when I view my life through that filter - I am awed by the number (and caliber) of relationships that I've had. I have to say that my success rate seems a lot better that way. That being said, I don't usually plan for my connections to be transient. Generally speaking, I intend to keep people in my life. When they bring something positive to it, that is. That's why I have always been able to cut someone loose. There is nothing worse than a person who only takes; an emotional parasite, if you will. These folks aren't always bad, but they do manage to suck all of the oxygen out of a room. And if they do that, how the hell am I supposed to breathe?

When I reflect on the existence I've mostly enjoyed for the last 33 years or so, I know that things have changed. Friends have come and gone. I've lost and added family. The settings and circumstances are constantly in flux. And relationships are at the heart of that. But I can honestly say that I'm happy with the ones I have. And I don't regret the ones that are gone. Because, at the end of the day, the person that you are represents the years that you've lived and the relationships that you have represent the way that you've lived.

Seriously ?!?!

Just watched the episode of Eastwick I DVR'd the other night. I expected to hate it, as I never liked the movie Witches of Eastwick and this show didn't look any better. But I love Paul Gross, so I figured I'd check it out. Well, surprise, surprise, I loved it. I found the female characters enjoyable for the most part and Paul Gross was as sexy and funny as I anticipated. Plus, there was the unexpected bonus of Matt Dallas. Eastwick was a very pleasant surprise. Of course, now that I like it, it'll get cancelled with a quickness. LOL

Ladies and Gentlemen. Your starting lineup …

Inspired by (okay, directly ripped off from) a post on one of my favorite sites, I present my all-star dream team.

The Point Guard is the leader of the team. They have the best skills on the ball and make everyone around them better. My “1” is Paul Newman (anytime between 1958 –1978).

The Shooting Guard is the go-to scoring option and usually the team’s best shooter. They need to be able to get out of traffic at will and score in the face of adversity. My “2” is Djimon Hounsou.

The Small Forward is the most versatile spot, as they can fill in for other positions. They have a myriad of skills and are often the most aggressive players. My “3” is Clive Owen.

The Power Forward is the hustle-man of the game, always working in the thick of things. They post up or play under the basket and always look for an opportunity. My “4” is Chiwetel Ejiofor.

The Center is the big man in the heart of it all. They use their size and physique to their best advantage, by muscling the play and coming down with the ball. My “5” is Vin Diesel.



___________________________________________________

Also, it’s important to have a couple of valuable role players to backup your stars. I always like a weapon; someone who brings guaranteed points off the bench. My sharp shooter is Maxwell.

And don’t underestimate the need for a defensive specialist; someone who keeps the game locked down by not allowing anything to just slip by. My prime defender is Simeon Rice.

So, there it is; The best team I could put together on short notice. I like them all for different reasons, but all of them could get it like the world was gonna end. (except for Paul Newman currently. Eww! LOL) I have to say that putting this list together took way more time than I expected it to. I think I understand how GMs feel, except I didn't have to worry about paying anyone. As I look at this list, I'm struck with just how different each man is. I like that though, variety is definitely the spice of life.

Picture me rolling

Alright, who loves me? No, really LOVES me? Okay, who loves me and has plenty of disposable cash?


Great, get me this. It'll only run you 88 grand or so.

Too rich for your blood? How about this one? It's about half the price.

What, still too much? Fine, how about this?

Alright, be that way. I suppose you'll just have to imagine me having one of these, just like i'm doing. LOL.

I'm glad I didn't mention ...

If I have enough to drink, the mood is right, and I'm getting into it, I will probably go back on what I said. I know myself well enough to realize that often, in the heat of the moment I react to feelings (both emotional and physical) over logic. It should be a flaw, but honestly it's worked out alright thus far. I've had a lot of fun and some great experiences and I wouldn't trade that.

Thanks Chuck. Couldn't have said it better myself.

“If you don’t know what you want, you end up with a lot you don’t” - Chuck Palahniuk

“What we don't understand we can make mean anything.” - Chuck Palahniuk

Like most women who live a non-sequestered existence, I have several men in my life. They have varying levels of importance, but they all have one major thing in common. Frequently, I have absolutely no idea what they expect of me.

This weekend was loaded with prime examples of this. There's the guy from work, whom I finally got that drink with. He talks to me about things that seem important, but seems to reserve his real verve for other outlets. Then there’s the old friend who I seem to be acting as a homebase for. He moves on with his life, but uses me to remind him of what home is. Another winner is the guy whose kisses are fantastic, whether brief or not. He seems as confused by the unsure nature of our association as I am, but in the end he's really calling all the shots. And our last entrant is the male friend who likes talking to me so much he'll converse about everything and nothing at all. He seems to be unaware that our talks are so fulfilling, not because of some fluke of personality, but because we are very much alike (though, very much different, to be honest.).

So, the common thread that runs through the tapestry of my relationships with these men is that I feel strongly enough about them that sometimes I feel I know what they need. But, rarely am I informed what it is they truly want. Or what it is they want in regards to me. In some cases, I know what I've been told, but I don’t think I’m getting the complete story. And I am not one of those women who only hears what she wants and patently refuses to believe when the man tells them something they don’t want to hear. I guess this is yet another complaint about men’s vagueness - I just never realized that it was across the scope of all male / female relationships.

Damn you, Quentin Tarantino

I just got through watching Inglourious Basterds. I thoroughly enjoyed it. As usual, the performances were excellent and the music spot-on. My one complaint, and really QT was this necessary, I can't stand the misspelled title. It drives me crazy. I am such a dork. LOL

5 life lessons I learned from the NFL Players Association

Don’t be Brett Favre – When it’s time to let go, accept it and move on with your life. There’s nothing sadder than the person who is still involved in something way past its expiration date. It’s not that it can’t still have flashes of greatness, but it’s dead for the most part and it will never be what it once was. When it’s time to go, pick up your stuff, head home and find something else to do with your time.

Don’t be Chad Ochocinco (nee Johnson) – You don’t always have to be the center of attention. I get it, you want people to know and respect you, but the gold teeth, blond mohawks, name changing and general showboating really aren’t necessary. Sometimes just doing your thing extremely well is all you need. If that doesn’t put your name on people’s lips, then maybe you’re setting out to impress the wrong folks.

And for God’s sake, don’t be Plaxico Burress – No explanation needed, right? Okay fine, don’t do something stupid and then continue to pile stupid on top of it, hoping it doesn’t collapse on you. This is what happens when you go someplace specifically hoping to be seen but not wanting to be bothered, then you bring equipment you are neither qualified to have, nor trained to use. Then, when something tragic and moronic happens, you lie about it and ignore it, hoping it will go away. Then, when it all blows up in your face, you try to get people to feel sorry for you. That is stupid on top of stupid on top of stupid. Especially considering there was a smarter, easier and much quicker way to handle this that would have avoided all of this foolishness; a way that you didn’t take because it would have made you look less than cool. How cool do you look now? Get your head out of your ass.

Do be Donovan McNabb – Do your best and don’t let it ruin your life when people aren’t satisfied with that. Many things will hamper our progress in life, be they injuries or tragedies, but we have to keep moving and not give up. And when those occurrences trip us up, we must be willing and able to ignore negative people who would try to dismiss and belittle us. Keep in mind that we do what we can do, not what everyone else wants. Those same people, who are down on you in the tough times, break their necks trying to jump on your bandwagon when things are great. Just know who you are and do the damn thing.

And here’s one you probably didn’t expect, do be Michael Vick. – If you do something wrong, deal with the consequences, make amends and move on. If you get caught up pulling a Plaxico, (stupid on top of stupid) take your grown up pills and accept whatever punishment you’re given. Give apologies to those you’ve hurt and try to be a better person. Once you’ve paid your dues, don’t whine and complain. Just do better and get on with your life.

I liked "Right Here" better anyway

I have never cheated on anyone. I have, to my knowledge, never been “the other woman” or the chick on the side for anyone. I don't say that to be sanctimonious or supercilious, I'm just stating fact. As a personal choice, I don’t cheat and don’t accept being cheated on. I’ve seen all sides of that situation play out with negative and (the rare) positive outcome and it’s just not for me. I don’t begrudge others their right to make that decision, but it will just never happen for me. I know what you’re thinking, how can I be so sure? There are too many multitudes of things that can happen for me to just make a blanket statement like that.

I recently heard a song on the radio that this topic brings to mind. It was “I’m So Into You” by SWV. It’s funny, when I was in high school I loved that song. Not because I believed differently then, just because I was able to separate my enjoyment of the melody and performance of that song from the ridiculous lyrical content. It’s difficult for me to do that now. Spurred by the beat and the tone of her voice, I really wanted to like that Jazmine Sullivan track, “Bust the Windows Out Your Car”. But in the end the lyrics just made me keep thinking that this crazy bitch needs to be arrested. Anyway, back to “I’m So Into You”. As I was in my car, jamming along to the song I took a real listen at what Taj, LeeLee and Coko were singing and it gave me a headache. The whole song is silly (albeit fun) but these lyrics from the beginning of the second verse take the cake.

Friends ask how could, I give myself
To one who belongs to someone else.
They just don't know, Your love's so good
That they would want it for themselves

That is some reasoning that I just can’t get behind. Let me get this straight, he is with someone else, but his love is so good you just can’t let go? Even using “love” as a euphemism for back-breaking, bed-shaking sex, I just don’t believe it’s that good. And if it is actually about his love, that’s even worse. How great can his “love” be if he can spread it out over (at least) two people? Real love isn’t about that. It’s just not. I’m not saying that you can’t be in love and attracted to someone else, or even (in rare cases) sexing up someone else. But you can’t be in love, loving someone else, or at least I can’t. And to me, when you love someone, you make a choice to not go elsewhere for sex.

I don’t tell anyone else the choices they should make in their relationships, but if you’re in a relationship with me you can count on two things. First, I will not cheat on you. Second, I will not tolerate you cheating on me. If you’re ready to bone someone else, break-up with me. I’ll do the same for you. I just think that’s how it should be in a relationship amongst two grown ass adults. If I don’t care about you enough to be faithful, then we shouldn’t be together. Understand that I say all of these things under the auspices of a mutual serious commitment. If we’re just dating 9or hanging out or friends who may have happened to get down once or twice, I hold neither of us to these standards. But if you are the person that I call my man, and we have agreed to be in an exclusive relationship, it had better be just that … exclusive.

Mmm Mmm Good

The Lord so constituted everybody that no matter what color you are you require the same amount of nourishment. – Will Rogers

Biology teaches us that nourishment is essential to human existence, but I think that most people tend to ignore the fact that we need all kinds of sustenance to survive. It's not just a physical need, there also has to be mental, spiritual and emotional food, or we'll wither away and die, metaphorically speaking. There is no way that I could make it without my people being there as my sounding board and I believe that they feel the same. It nourishes me to have them feed my spirit. I know that sounds very new age, but it's true. We all go through life with this need for other people, a yearning to be with and relate to our own kind. True, there are some people who prefer to isolate themselves from other human contact, but true recluses are rare. For the most part, it is within our nature to crave interpersonal connection.

This compulsion for human contact, or even more personal belonging, compels us all to make choices that may be against our better reasoning. Often times we end up in relationships that may not make us happy, but satisfy our need to be with someone, anyone. We may find ourselves in awkward social settings, dealing with folks we don’t even like just to be a part of something. Sometimes, it’s just the inability to get out of a situation that we know is wrong, because we fear the unknown, outside of our dead relationship. Either way, doing something for the sole purpose of being with or amongst company, is never the answer. I’m not saying that we should be Walden-like and give up personal connections, just that we should weigh the value of those bonds to our quality of life.

In the end, all of humanity is on a search for affinity and accord. And there is nothing wrong with that, but we must be ever vigilant that this is a soul nourishing experience that we’re having.


* Okay, this post was a little deeper than I had intended today. My bad, I'll try to be more light-hearted in the future.

Sea Change

It is so dangerous to get completely wrapped up in your job. No one should define themselves by what position they hold, because it can go at any moment. I am always envious of those who have a vocational calling. They always know what they want to be and just have to take the steps to get there. The rest of us just have to drift around trying to figure it out. But either group has to be cautious that we don't become so consumed with our jobs that we don't have a life separate from it. Or worse, that we don't know how to live without it.

This is becoming a much larger worry than it used to be, with the state of the economy and all. I know lots of people are changing positions currently and I think we have to just focus on moving forward and taking care of ourselves and our families. Don't be so proud of where you've been, that you find it impossible to adjust to new circumstances.

Anyway, that's my two cents on careers. I just thought of it because of a couple of people I know in the midst of changes. Not that I think they need this advice, but I thought I'd put it out there just the same.

Sex is easy ...

Ah, I see I got your attention with that title. But sex is easy. Relationships are hard. Speaking of that, I need to discuss what it means to "want a relationship". Because it has come up three separate times over the course of this past weekend, I feel that I must comment on this. (Truthfully, I must admit that the last two times the subject was broached, I brought it up because of the first instance.)

First, a little background on me. I am not that girl who has planned her whole life for her wedding. I have never been a woman who gauges the quality of my life by the presence and/or perceived caliber of the man in it. In fact, I was a unabashed commitment-phobe for years. If you said the word relationship to me, I started moving around with a quickness. I just wasn't interested in anything long term, and the longest I really dated anyone would be a few weeks. And slowly, over time, I started to reevaluate my thought processes and begin to change. I made a few longer term emotional bonds and found what the good in them can be. So it occurred that after years of romantic transience, I finally felt good about the idea of settling down.

So this is where things get really interesting. It's a real dating (or even socializing) misstep to say to most men that you want to be in a relationship. Over and over again I've found that it makes them immediately take a step in the other direction. Then if you don't say it, you're not being clear about what you want. It's kind of a no-win scenario. And you never actually get a chance to explain what you really mean, and if you do they think it's some kind of rationalization. I don't know about anyone else, but for me when I say I want to be in a relationship, it means just that. I would like the comfort and familiarity of being with someone on a regular basis and truly sharing ourselves with each other. What saying that does not mean is I want to be in a relationship with you. I'm wanting the whole experience, meeting someone, dating, falling in love, and taking whatever the next step might be. It annoys the hell out of me when men find that out they get this trapped and hunted down look. I'm not trying to put just anyone into this role. I'm not some low rent employment agency, just trying to fill a vacancy with any available person. I don't know what's going to happen, but I promise trying to coerce an unwilling guy into being in a relationship with me is not on my agenda.

It always seems much easier for other women. I'm sure I'm exaggerating or oversimplifying, but I feel like I missed some sort of women's studies class that explained this technique. Or maybe it's just a natural instinct I'm missing. All I know is, getting into a relationship is much more difficult than I ever thought it would be. It seems like opportunity knocked a lot louder when I wasn't interested. But, I know this I'm not about to sign up to be with just anybody so that I can say I've got a man. I've made it 33 years without that. I'm sure I'll be able to survive.

Evolutions on a recurring theme (technical difficulties)

I had just written a long (and good) post about this, but then my stupid phone froze and I lost it, but I want to get some of this down before I forget.

Men and women do not speak the same language. The words are the same, but the context is completely different. We can't understand each other because we come at things from cross purposes. Generally, women run things through an emotional filter and men put everything under a motive microscope. We could be saying the exact same words to each other but they will be comprehended in entirely different ways. Then we respond after hearing it our way and the other person is completely confused and comes back with their own spin on things. It's what leads to these invariably frustrating circular conversations that we have and even more those conversations where the other person just isn't grasping your point. Sadly, we just aren't able to turn off our overly complicated thinking, and just deal with the words at hand. Until we can do that we will continue to have these unnecessarily complex conversational issues.

So next time you're talking to someone of the opposite sex, try and separate what you think they mean from what they actually said. If they do the same maybe we can make it out of this man - woman tower of Babel.

No BUDDYs here

I can’t tell you how tired I am of being friends with men. Okay, that’s an overstatement. I’m just over the nonsense that seems to come from the masculine half of the species. As far back as I can recall I have been friends with guys. I was pretty much a tomboy for the first several years of my life, always running and gunning with the boys. And though my best friend was usually a girl, I have had numerous male friends throughout the years. I have always liked talking to guys, often you have much easier conversations with them. I like talking about sports, cars, video games, etc., so I’ve always fit in at guy talk. I think that the benefit for men is that they can talk to me about almost anything. I can and will converse on topics of all type, from Madden to monogamy, jump shots to jump-offs, and GTOs to the G.O.A.T.. We can discuss the freakiest sex act you’ve ever thought about then move on the underrated joy of martial arts movies. So it has always been good for me to have male friends, but every once in awhile it gets to the point where I’d like to throw myself an all girl tea party and forget that I even know any guys.

The biggest issue for me in being friends with a guy is that you can’t have it both ways. You’re either friends or you’re sexual. You can’t be both, or worse, dwell in some vague undefined space in the middle. Or at least that’s how I am, but probably half the guys I’ve ever ended up being friends with seemed to like that ambiguous territory. And I’m sick of it. Fish or cut bait. It’s crazy to me, we’re just homies unless you have a rough day and want to bone away the tension. Or there might be something there, until they find something they like more. And I freely admit to the part of this that’s my fault. I like men a lot, in both an affable and a carnal way, so when I meet one I dig it can take me awhile to figure out which category he fits in. Then I end up with line straddlers and non-boundaried relationships. So, when I get frustrated with the nature of those connections, I have only myself to blame. But when I try to force these men to toe the friendship line, I get much resistance. I don’t understand, these men don’t want to be with me but it’s like they put me in some “maybe” position that excuses their blurring the lines even further. You can’t call me all the time telling me about the girl whose back you’re blowing out and then cockblock when your boy tries to talk to me. Don’t bitch at me about the lack of good women out there and then roll your eyes like I don’t count when I say I’m a good woman. It’s unfair for you to cast me in a “what if” light and expect me to just sit there waiting for you to decide. I’m not a K-Mart product; you cannot put me on layaway until you’re ready.

So I guess that’s it. I know I said I like talking to men but I will never understand them. But what man and woman ever truly do? I know I also said that you can’t have it both ways, but I like to believe that when I decide to share my life with a man he will be my best friend. But right this moment, like I said at the beginning, I am sick and tired of being “friends” with men.

Felicidades

Happy birthday to two amazing people who happen to be incredible woman and friends. I’m not going to rewrite my post about how much you mean to me, but I did want to acknowledge your 28th (ha ha) birthday. Here’s a blast from the past that always reminds me of us. Love you much my sisters.

Compleanno felice (Italian)
Feliz cumpleanos (Spanish)
Joyeux anniversaire (French)
Feliz aniversário (Portuguese)

I've got to stop ...

being so available. It gets me into nothing but trouble. It's one thing to like a person. It's quite another to always be ready at their whim. Not that I'm that bad, but sometimes I make it way too easy. Alright, it's old me time. I am now entirely too occupied to be concerned with what certain people are up to.

It's the 12th Anniversary ... of my 21st birthday

Okay people, I’m officially starting the countdown.
10 days until my birthday. Yay! … I guess.

It’s funny, I love my birthday, but am not a fan of getting older (like a lot of 30+ people I know). I just have to keep reminding myself that life is a gift and that aging is just the upgrade of that gift.

Don’t even get me started on what I’d like as a gift. I haven’t the vaguest notion. I never do. That’s the kind of thing kids are good at. With me, I can only ever come up with reasons to not ask for things. I would ask that person for this, but it’s too expensive, or I would ask this person for that but they would pick the wrong kind.

Anyway, it’s only 10 days left and I’m excited. I’ll be flying off to Houston next weekend to celebrate with two of my favorite people, but I’ll be back in NOLA in time to celebrate my actual birthday. I know that it’s going to be great. But, even if it's not, I'll already have a great gift ... life.

Pattern Alpha 13

You know that feeling you get when you feel alone in a room full of people? I am having that right now, here at Essence. Complete solitude in literally a stadium full of people. There is a strange kind of peace to it. Knowing that no matter what's going on with, for and to all of these folks, I maintain my own complete autonomy. Happy Independence day to me.

Say Cheese

I finally got my new camera. (Thanks Mom). I am so excited. I have already put it in my purse and I am ready to snap candid shots ad nauseum. I haven't felt like myself these past few months. All these events have gone by that I haven't been able to document the way I like. So warning to everyone, I may be on photo overload for the next few months. Don't fight it, just smile.

Here's the camera. It's really great. It does, like twice as much stuff as my old one. I love it already!

Agua de vida

I am taking a bath. This is wonderful. There are few hedonistic pleasures I enjoy more than bathing. While I can take a quick one, usually it's a whole ritual ... music, candles, scented oils, body scrubs, the whole shebang. And that doesn't include the full body oil application that comes after the soak. (Hey, I have soft skin. I have to treat it well.) I can relax in the bath in a manner that's hard to find anywhere else. Anyway, that's all. I just wanted to compose a quick note of appreciation. Good night.

--AKIP--

Afterthought: the only problem with my tub is that there isn't really room for two (not that it's an issue currently). Then again, I wouldn't want an interloper to disturb my bathing experience.
;-)

Talking to the past

Ring, ring
Me (minding my own business): Hello.
Ex-Boyfriend (calling out of nowhere): Hey, how are you?
Me (unsure of who I’m talking to): Fine … Who am I speaking to?
Ex (having the audacity to sound offended that I don’t recognize the voice): This is blah.*
Me: Oh.
Ex: So, what’s up? What you been up to?
Me: Not much.
Ex: How’s your people?**
Me: Doing well.
Ex: Cool.
Extended silence
Ex: Damn, why you so tight?
Me: I’m not tight, I just don’t see what we have to talk about.
Ex: Well hell, I was just calling to see how you’ve been.
Me: I’m doing well.
More silence.
Me: Well okay, I gotta go.
Ex: A’ight girl. I’ll talk to you later.
Me: That’s not really necessary.
Ex: ... Alright ...
Me: Bye.
Ex: Bye?.

* Name changed to protect my peace of mind.
** Note that the terrible grammar is not my fault. This is actually how it was said to me.


So as I typed this conversation it all of a sudden sounded a lot harsher than it felt like at the time. But, the thing is, I really don’t see what I have to talk about with an ex. Like, what am I supposed to say? I’m not bitter or pissed about the end of the relationship, I’ve just moved on. I don’t feel the need to go back there with him. And what the hell is he calling me for anyway? We broke up ages ago, and we don’t have the kind of complex history that would necessitate us keeping in touch. I should mention that I have had exchanges along these lines with at least three different exes. It just boggles the mind for me.

I don’t know, am I being unduly harsh? Should I engage in polite chit-chat, or is it perfectly acceptable to just cut this conversation off at its knees?

Public Service Reminder

Here's an admonition to everyone (including myself):

Stop trying to classify others. People do not truly conform to categories. There's a reason we don't fit into boxes, we're not square. Every person has the capacity to be (and is indeed if you pay attention) so much more the sum of other's perceptions of them. When we are so quick to label and pigeonhole folk we do ourselves as well as them a grave disservice. Get to know the actual person, instead of just assuming to know them because you know their "type" and coloring in the rest of the picture from there.

Pictures of Me

I thought this exercise was pretty interesting. You answer questions about yourself through photos. I think my collage is rather intriguing. So anyway, here are the questions and my "response". Directions for making your own are at the bottom of this post. I encourage everyone to give it a shot. It's fun and somewhat enlightening to see things broken down that way. Can you figure out which picture goes with which question? (I'll admit, I semi cheated on some of these as I used pictures with words on them).

QUESTIONS:
1. What is your name?
2. What is your favorite food?
3. What is your hometown?
4. What is your favorite color?
5. What is your favorite movie?
6. What is your favorite drink?
7. What is your dream vacation?
8. What is your favorite dessert?
9. What is one word to describe yourself?
10. How are you feeling right now?
11. What do you love most in the world?
12. What do you want to be when you grow up?


ANSWER



























DIRECTIONS:
- Go to Google image search.
- Type in your answer to each question.
- Choose a picture
- Use this website http://bighugelabs.com/flickr/mosaic.php to make your collage.
- Save the image for use in this note.

I Stan For ...

I'm not feeling super literate today so i thought I would just make a list of my favorite things. I'm aware that I have done some iteration of this a few times before, but it's what I feel like doing today. So I'm going to do it again, repetitive or not.

MOVIES
* A Bronx Tale - The best gangster cautionary tale / racial harmony movie ever made.
* Auntie Mame - A master class on tolerance, perseverance and joie de vivre, wrapped in a zany comedy.
* Paul Newman - I was going to say The Long Hot Summer, but really it's just Paul Newman in almost anything.


MUSIC
* "Try a Little Tenderness" by Otis Redding - I shouldn't have to explain this. If you don't get it, you are lost and I can't find you.
* Jill Scott - I love not only her voice, but also her lyrics and her range. I think she's a phenomenal artist and I could listen to her all the time.
* "One" by U2 - This is not only one of my favorite songs, it is simply one of the best songs ever recorded. That's just truth.


GIFTS
* Jewelry - I like understated yet bold pieces with an element of radiance or sheen and/or simple stones. Right now I am loving the Mysterium Collection and I'm always a fan of Movado.
* Flowers - I did a whole post about this on my photoblog, but to keep it simple, I LOVE lilies. There is just something about their deceptive simplicity that is sexy to me.


CARS
* Aston Martin DB9 - I have mentioned this before, but this is just a beautiful car. Plus, hello James Bond.
* Muscle cars - I love the classic old cars especially the 1968 GTO and the 1969 Oldsmobile Cutlass. And I must say that the brand new 2009 Dodge Challenger is fantastic looking and so far the only new muscle car attempt that works for me.


PLACES
* Rome -It was a struggle to pick my favorite European city, but in the end, I had to go with my first. Maybe it was part and parcel of the whole experience, but I just love this city. It has such spirit and vitality.
* San Francisco - It's a total cliche I know, but I think SF is America's (second) best city. I love the laid back energy, excellent food and amazing views. I have never had a bad time here and I hope to continue to make an annual trip there. And, the proximity of wine country is just lagniappe to an already great place.


FOOD
* Steak - I think a medium New York strip, oscar style is about as close to nirvana as you can get. Add a delicious side (garlic mashed potatoes, onion rings, or truffled macaroni and cheese) and I'm blissed out.
* Carrot cake - Let me be very specific, my mother's carrot cake, with cream cheese icing and pecans. It's what I've had for a birthday cake every year since I can remember. And I have no desire to change that; you don't mess with perfection.
* Risotto - It elevates my love for rice to a whole new level. The creaminess is sublime and if it has cheese, so much the better. Yum!


CLOTHING
*Pumas - Even I don't fully understand my love for these shoes, especially considering I had never touched a pair until 2002. But after my first pair I was hooked. I mourn some of the hot pairs I lost in Katrina. I really want a pair of the Ferrari ones, but Pumas seem to get pricier every year.
* White Linen Pants - I'm finally getting up to almost as many pairs of these as I had Pre-Katrina. I would wear white linen pants everyday if I could. They're the most comfortable and cool, yet stylish thing going.

When sharing is NOT caring

As I ventured out into the social wilds Saturday night, some very interesting things happened, not least of which was seeing a fully naked confused and embarrassed man hiding in the corner of a hotel lobby, flapping in the central air provided breeze. But, even with that, the craziest thing that happened to me is that I was hit on by a man, rocking an extremely visible wedding ring. I stared at this buffoon and his wanton behavior with a look of pure incredulity and wondered if this was maybe a joke. Finally, I just sputtered out obvious question, "Are you married?" When he answered in the affirmative I couldn't have been more shocked if he had slapped me. I asked what made him think I would be interested in a married man and he fired back, "Don't be like that girl. I'll take care of you. You can have whatever you like."

Cheesy T.I. Lyrics aside, is this clown serious? What in the world would have to come over me to make this seem like a good idea? Do I seem like an idiot or a woman that desperate for a man? I have always said that my reasons for not dating married men aren't really moral, they're selfish. I don't say that to sound callous, but it's the God's honest truth. Although I absolutely believe that you are daring karma to come and kick your ass in a situation like this, that's not why I don't do it. I abstain from the encumbered man for a very basic reason ... I don't want to share. I want my man to be about me. If I have car trouble, I want him to come and help me out, not have to go bring his wife lunch at work. If I get sexually needy at 2 am, I want to be able to call him, drop in his spot and get tightened up. I want to be able to go for dinner and drinks anywhere in this tiny microcosm that is New Orleans, without him worrying that his wife might find out. And if I can't have those things, why should I bother?

If you know me at all, you know that I can, and do, take care of myself fairly well. So, in order to be with me, you have to add value to my life. And no, just serving as my boyfriend is not valuable. It helps me in no way to just have some lunkhead near me, collecting points by pure proximity and the title boyfriend. Neither is having a piece of man available for sex. Hell, dick is easy to come by. If that's all I expected, I could have that everyday (and 3 times on Saturday).
What really kills me about these busters is that they don't preserve the sanctity of their unions and they want me to join them in that. But, no thank you I say, I'd like to try to be a decent person. I believe most people truly want to be good, but things can get in our way. So I make plans to sidestep the obstacles in my path, and I roll my eyes at those sorry people who find this behavior to be acceptable. Shame on you!

I LOVE!!!

Welcome back Maxwell. I missed you so. LOL.

Okay, I'm joking, but I did totally miss Maxwell. I hope the rest of the CD is as good as this track.

Falling Slowly

It was a very interesting weekend. It's not that I did so very many things, but I did get out some and also, I had a lot of time to think. It was just a weekend full of moments, small and personally notable.

I worked on my house today (Sunday). While I was in Lowes picking out supplies for my projects, I realized just how often I'm going to be doing this for several years. Puportedly, I finished my house last year when I moved in, but yet it's a work in progress. There is always something more that I could be doing. But knowing how I am about my house, it's a labor of love.

Saturday I helped Joia make Gumbo Z'herbs for Andre. Deciding to make it was one of those spur of the moment choices, brought on by finding the recipe in a cookbook while wandering the bookstore. And believe me, making that soup was no easy task. There was more chopping and prepping than anything I've made in a long time (and I made Thai curry paste a couple weeks ago). But helping her with this task, this spontaneous outpouring of culinary affection, made me once again realize just how important it is to have people around you who truly care and who would go that far for you. Friends, lovers, family, - whoever you choose to share your life with. They should all be willing (and eager) to truly give of themselves and we should be the same.

Friday night I shared a good kiss with a relatively new friend. (I rate it good, as opposed to great, due to the brevity). And as I walked to my car contemplating the kiss and the conversation that preceeded it, I was struck with a familiar bittersweet feeling. Once again, I'm dealing with a man I like. That is neither an endorsement nor complaint. It is just a common occurrence for me to like men, I think more than most women do. I should clarify that by like, I don't mean sex (although I highly enjoy that). I just mean that I like men, that I enjoy their straightforward nature and general ineptitude at sentimentality. I like watching the processes their minds go through (though I will never understand them) and the things they choose to verbalize versus what they don't say. I'll freely admit that these things are completely frustrating on a man I'm in a relationship with, but on those who aren't my man, it's fascinating. Anyway, I had been kind of down on men lately, so it was a pleasure to remember how much I generally enjoy the male half of our species.

So that's pretty much it. My weekend summed up in highlight form. It's my own personal cliff notes. LOL. So, that'll do for now. Good night.

Dream for an Insomniac

I can't sleep.

I don't know why, but I can't seem to turn my mind off tonight. I'm just lying here in the dark contemplating things. I'm playing with my phone, lighting candles and thinking I hear animals in the attic - you know, just generally tripping out. I keep thinking about some amazing moments I've had, and all of the things that I'd like to go on and do. I'm pondering the person that I am and was.
Just trying to puzzle out this crazy life.

So, writing this has helped. I'm actually getting sleepy now. So I guess I'm going now.

--AKIP-

p.s. Here's my favorite photo from my cameraphone photo session earlier.

Resistance is futile

You guys, I am such a nerd … and that doesn’t bother me. I learned years ago to accept the nerdier things about myself and enjoy them. I can still be the funny, intelligent and sexy woman that I am, no matter what some of my geekier proclivities might be. So here are my confessions on that.

• I am a trekkie. I used to not tell people that, but I’m just openly admitting to it these days. Not only do I watch all of the shows but, I can tell you the distinction between a Vulcan and a Vorta, or a Tribble and a Trill. I know the difference between the Alpha and the Delta quadrant. I can tell you Seven of Nine’s real name (Annika Hansen) and where she is on my personal scale of Star Trek hotness (between Uhura and Jadzia Dax). I’ve given you just the tiniest taste of my enjoyment of all things Trek and I’ll leave you with it, but let me just say, I have no costumes or uniforms, but I did attempt to learn Klingon once.
• I hate porn. But I love erotica. What’s the difference? Erotica you read and picture in your head. It’s just so much hotter to me than watching a flick. Tell me, what in the hell is sexy about watching some fish oil slick bohunk with horrible hair and a lazy eye pump and groan on top of some poor fatherless chick with saline filled dirigibles strapped to her breastplate by the thinnest layer of skin imaginable? And having to listen to those same two make blatantly unsexy noises? I would so much rather get turned on by ingesting words and creating my own sensual mental picture turned lascivious utopia.
• I love words. As you can tell from the last sentence (and from half a dozen other entries I’ve done about the subject. Language is fun for me and I don’t take it lightly. There is little as stimulating to me as good conversation, by which I mean talking to someone interesting who uses words well, but not condescendingly. Having an extensive lexicon is the quickest step to being (and seeming) intelligent, in my opinion. And I can never understand why an educated person wouldn’t want to improve their vocabulary. I used to read the dictionary (and encyclopedia) as a kid and I think I’m a better (if nerdier) person for it.
• I’m an knowledge junkie. I know obscene amounts of trivia and random minutiae. I am very good at Trivial Pursuit, Jeopardy and games of that ilk. Like I just stated, I used to read the encyclopedia. I look something up on wikipedia almost every day. I like maps, love history, read voraciously and just consume information by the boatload. Again, I actually dig this about myself. I enjoying knowing strange and offbeat things that others might not.

So that is about all for right now. I know there are many more geeky things that I could mention, but that’s enough for right now. I’m not ashamed of it and neither should anyone else be. Let’s stop hiding our nerd lights under a bushel. Let your freak flag fly. LOL.

You don't know me ...

The biggest part of how others see us is how we see ourselves. I've always known this, but I think it becomes more obvious to me everyday. I have for a few years been complaining that people view me as more hard or unfeeling than I am. But I've noticed this weekend that I spend a lot of time and energy posturing myself as someone very much like that. I mean it's true, I've always been someone with a very tough outer shell, but that carapace has always been to protect the very mushy center of me. People who know me really well are fully aware of this, but most others believe my hype. And this technique has always been very helpful in protecting me from certain things and people. But the down side is of course that I have a much harder time letting new people see past that and getting to know me as I truly am. And the hardest part of all, is letting go myself of the notion that I am this hardcore granite feeling person. It's like the only times I think it's acceptable to be overtly emotional is when I'm by myself. And that's fallacy. Not only do I cut myself off from other people, but I create this dichotomy whereby I have two disparate emotional states and that's just not healthy.
So I guess that I have to find a way to integrate my softer side and to not be so adamant about my toughness. *so much easier said than done*.
Hey, life is a journey and a never ending process. I have to keep reminding myself of that.

Other than that, this is an amazing trip. It has indeed rained most of the time, but that's okay. I haven't been this relaxed in a long time. Amazing!

Put one hand up, Can you repeat that *

So I'm in the home stretch here. Just 2 hours or so until I leave for my Memorial Day Weekend Girls Trip! I am so excited. When I first planned this get together I had had all these ideas of things we might do and places we might go. Now I'm just excited to be with my girls away from all of my immediate issues for a couple of days. We've got ladies on the way, plenty of liquor and a waterside villa to chill out in. It should be fun no matter how much or little we do. I can't wait. I'm sure that we'll have some super deep drunken conversation that will bring up a topic I should write about. So I might be back here sooner rather than later. But, I'm out of here right this moment. TTFN!


* I have to admit that I've been singing "Where My Girls At" to myself all day. Yes, I am ashamed. LOL.

A Glossary of Ignorance, Pt. 2

Read the original posting on this.

My mother's students are at it again. This time I specifically picked simpler words. I tried really hard to pick things that I thought they would surely at least have heard before. The top student this time, knew eight words. EIGHT!!! I am so sad for our future right now. I'll bet if I asked them for lyrics to the latest track from The Dream or Lil Wayne, they'd be all over it. But their personal lexicon, who cares! I can't take it. I'm like Sam Cooke "That's it, I quit. I'm moving on".

Here are the words. See for yourself.


glower: to stare angrily or with a scowl.
torrid: drying or scorching with heat; burning; parching.
palpable: plain; distinct; obvious.
listless: having no desire or inclination.
melee: a confused conflict.

genial: sympathetically cheerful and cheering; kindly.
raucous: unpleasantly loud and harsh.
jovial: merry; joyous; jolly.
solace: comfort in grief.
dour: stern or unyielding or gloomy.

edify: to instruct and improve.
exalt: to praise, glorify, or honor.
banal: commonplace; trivial.
affable: easy to speak to; also, gracious.
skulk: to hide in a sneaking manner.

ostracize: to banish or expel.
berate: to scold severely or angrily.
panache: dash or flamboyance in manner or style.
paragon: a model of excellence or perfection.
vet: to subject to thorough appraisal; to evaluate.

adage: an old saying.
contrite: feeling or expressing grief and regret for sins or offenses.
spry: nimble.
yen: a strong desire or inclination.
oblivious: forgetful; also, unmindful.

surly: ill-humored; sullen and gruff.
jovial: merry; joyous; jolly.
requisite: required; indispensable.
errant: wandering; deviating from appointed course or direct path.
deign: to condescend.

The names have all changed since you hung around

Wow, it seems like ages since I’ve written anything. Work has been crazy these last few weeks and I’ve been feeling it. But I’m back and ready to go. Now all I need is something to write about. You would think that a few weeks away would give me a plethora of topics to speak on, but mostly it’s the same old issues I’ve been discussing ad nauseum for the year that I’ve been blogging. I’ve been keeping a list of thoughts and possible topics on a Post-it note at my desk, but as I tend to think in rather serpentine patterns, I can’t even begin to recall what I meant in these vague notes.

So, I’m stuck with the sixty-four thousand dollar question of what do I write about? Therefore, I posit to you, my (very) few readers. What do you think I should write about?

Don’t worry, I’ll come up with something on my own soon. I’m not going to sit around waiting for some spark of human interest to light the creative fire within me.

Laugh of the day

I just got a text from a friend that said,

I need a chastity belt.

I laughed and thought "Wow, do I know what you mean!" And doesn't that say quite a bit about me (and my friends)? LOL

What's Your Flavor?

I had this though that people's personalities can be characterized in food terms. I've decided that I am Key Lime Pie.

That's it. No elaboration. Discuss amongst yourselves.

Friday is a good thing

The story of my love life isn't even a tragedy anymore. It's just boring. Here are my thoughts (which is kinda the point of a blog isn't it) ....

I've been contemplating my situatuion with the fireman and the fact that I've been unable to establish complete radio silence with him. I think I need to have one last great round with him. Then I can just erase his number and all traces of his previous existance. I truly can do that. But I really want to take one more wild ride first. Is that crazy? The answer is plausibly yes, but I don't seem to care about that. I want it, even if it's a terrible plan. Then I can move on. Right?

The AB thing is also an issue. Everytime I get togther with this man, I end up getting together with this man. It's ridiculous. Especially considering that we spend most of our time leading up to that with me giving him advice on how to repair his invariably screwed up life. But there's just something about the way he looks at me with his flashing blue eyes, like he can somehow see through me, that affects me every time. And after years of being friends with him, he can still say something that totally surprises me, then follow that up with doing something that I could have predicted to a tee. Anyway, I know that he's a terrible option, so I leave him alone, but some days he just gets to me.

Then there's the great unknown aspect. I am meeting no one, or at least no one that I can even remember an hour later. I'm going out to French Quarter Festival this weekend, maybe my luck will turn. At this point I'd just like to go out on a nice date or two. It doesn't have to be a love connection (although I wouldn't mind that either). Anyway, that's enough gripes for today. Here's hoping that the tide is about to turn.

Mine broke

Someone buy me this. I have moments to capture.

I won't hold my breath. LOL

A Glossary of Ignorance

Last week my mother called me and asked for a favor. Moms is a professor at a HBCU and wanted me to gather some interesting words for her class. She requested 20 words that were not to obscure and could be easily used in intelligent conversation. I got a little carried away and listed 45 words and brief definitions for each. Here are the words (in no particular order):

1. temerity: unreasonable or foolhardy contempt of danger.
2. esoteric: intended or understood by chosen few.
3. elucidate: to make clear or manifest.
4. feckless: ineffective; weak; worthless
5. laconic: using or marked by the use of a minimum of words.
6. egress: the act of going out or leaving; exit
7. subterfuge: a deceptive device or stratagem.
8. copacetic: very satisfactory
9. ennui: a feeling of weariness and dissatisfaction arising from lack of interest.
10. dissolute: loose in morals and conduct
11. trepidation: a state of dread or alarm; apprehension
12. taciturn: not inclined to talk
13. expunge: to strike out or erase; to obliterate
14. sedition: incitement of rebellion against lawful authority
15. malcontent: one who is discontented or dissatisfied
16. stanch: to stop the flowing of; to check
17. acrimony: bitter, harsh, or biting sharpness
18. treacly: overly sweet or sentimental
19. chicanery: the use of trickery to deceive
20. implacable: incapable of being pacified
21. sporadic: occurring singly, or occasionally, or in scattered instances
22. cacophony: harsh or discordant sound
23. inveterate: deep-rooted; of long standing
24. denizen: an inhabitant
25. halcyon: peaceful; undisturbed; happy
26. deride: to laugh at with contempt
27. ubiquitous: being everywhere.
28. exculpate: to clear from alleged fault or guilt
29. diaphanous: allowing light to pass through
30. bellicose: inclined to or favoring war or strife
31. contrite: feeling or expressing grief and regret for sins or offenses
32. tirade: a long angry speech.
33. filial: of, pertaining to, or befitting a son or daughter
34. crux: the essential point or feature
35. inscrutable: difficult to fathom or understand.
36. obsequious: servilely attentive; fawning
37. missive: a written message; a letter
38. encumbrance: a burden, impediment, or hindrance
39. abscond: to depart secretly.
40. proclivity: a natural inclination.
41. recalcitrant: stubbornly resistant to and defiant of authority or restraint
42. collude: to act in concert; to conspire
43. sycophant: one who seeks favor by flattery; a toady
44. capricious: whimsical; changeable
45. predilection: an established preference

So, my mother takes these words to her class and asks them how many of the words they know. It's a vocabulary building exercise, you see. It turns out, that in a class of 20 people, the average amount of words known per student was 3. THREE!!! I am aware that these are not quite on the level of see Dick run, but these are college students. They should know more than three of these terms. Did I mention that these are journalism students? That my mother is a journalism professor and the publication director of the campus newspaper? And that several of these students are involved with said newspaper? I can't take it. I really can't. This is too sad. Apparently, there was one girl who knew 5 words and the rest of the class wondered where she went to school (as if she might have said The High School of Super Nerds).

Wow, I guess a mind really is a terrible thing to waste. What the UNCF didn't tell you is that plenty of kids are going to college without ever having their minds engaged. Or at least not engaged by lexicon.

Maybe I'm overreacting. After all, I am a super word nerd, who used to read the dictionary and encyclopedia for fun. But this seems tragic to me. What do you think? How many of the words do you know?

Deja View

Apparently I'm not the only person still nursing an innappropriate love for Vin Diesel. Fast and Furious made $100 million worldwide on it's opening weekend. That is crazy! I love it. You can bet your ass there'll be another sequel. I hope my favorite sexy gravel-voiced, balding, pectoral heavy action star will be back. (I say favorite because I have more than one. LOL)

Anyway, leaving this movie I had a bit of a flashback to the time I saw the first movie. I recall that both Mauro & I were super excited to see it, for completely different reasons. But what struck me is how remarkably my life has changed since then. I looked up the release date of The Fast and the Furious (as opposed to F&F) and it came out in the summer of 2001. At that time I was still in Houston, working at NAMC, just a few months gone from Bombay. I lived on Timberside, and hung out at the Davenport and danced at the Gallant Knight. But most of all, I was in a completely different space, mentally and emotionally. It feels like a lifetime ago. I will definitely say that I haven't fully completed the task of growing up, but I look back at who I was just 8 years ago and I feel so much older and wiser. I guess that's what time does for you.

If only I could have had the 10 cent martinis

I enjoyed a wonderful extended lunch today with my favorite VP. We went to Bacco and I ordered the 2 course pasta lunch special. I had Lemon Parmesan Salad and Crawfish Farfalle. Delicious! It was only $15 and she paid. Not a bad way to spend a Friday afternoon.

Don't hate because you can't be like me. LOL

Spring has sprung

Today I'm feeling really good about the upcoming seasons (festival season, travel season), so I'm giving myself some flowers. Yes these are only pictures, but if I'm going to enjoy these seasons, I can't be spending money on real flowers. I'm broke. LOL.

Anyway, I posted some more gorgeous flowers on my photoblog. Check it out.

Choices

I know two things to be true. I don't just mean that I believe them, I KNOW with an unwavering will that they just ARE.

1 - Romantic relationships with good friends do not work.

2 - Long distance relationships do not work.

Those two things are the reason why I continue to stick to the decision that I have made (as difficult as that can be sometimes). That is all.

Paging Joey Greco

This program is both dedicated to the faithful and presented to the false-hearted to encourage their renewal of temperance and virtue.

I am not a person who thinks that all men (or people for that matter) cheat. I am however, a believer in keeping it simple. For the most part, if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it's a freaking duck. I don't know why that is such a hard concept to grasp. It's not me thinking the worst of people; it's me being realistic about the nature of people and our poor choices. In the past few months I have had more than one friend who suspects that their significant other has strayed. And on at least 2 occasions the suspected parties (who I still believe cheated) has basically just said that they didn't cheat and the whole thing gets dropped. Now I am aware that I don't have to live in other people's relationships and that the choices they make are their own. But I must confess, I just don't get it. Is it that people just don't want to believe that infidelity could happen to them, or do they just truly have that much faith in people who typically have already demonstrated their untrustworthiness? I don't know, it's all greek to me. Anyway ...

Now we're cooking with gas (and cash)

I told a friend that I would make him a paella dinner. I'm excited about it because I've only made paella once (and that was the easy non-authentic version) and I love to work on new recipes. Plus, I just got a new paella pan that I'm anxious to use. However, I just realized how labor intensive and pricey this meal could get, especially making the all seafood version I'm planning. Oh well, que sera sera. It'll be a great meal and a fun night I'm sure. I'm all about the memories. LOL

Do you like the things that life is showing you

I had a date last night. It was … perfectly adequate. Yes, I am aware of exactly how bland that sounds. It was pretty dry. We met for drinks and talked for a couple of hours. I have to say, I had dated this man previously, and to be honest, I was only sorta into him before. I enjoyed his company and loved the way he flattered me, but for me the chemistry was never really there. I had realized months ago that he probably wasn’t ever really going to be what I wanted in a relationship. But, it had been awhile since I’d been out with a man and I craved the date experience, so I gave him a shot. And (surprise, surprise) it was still mediocre.

So now I wonder, am I wrong to occasionally still date this man because I like to be taken out? He doesn’t seem to mind, but I’ve never said to him that it’s not going any further than this. Also, am I wasting time that I should be spending doing something else? And if so, what?

(Sigh)

On a lighter note

I just saw a picture of Buenos Aires that was absolutely gorgeous. I am so looking forward to this trip. I know it's time to get cracking on the planning. So, I'm putting together a rough itinerary. Argentina, Fall 2009. Yay!!

Once upon a time

As it happens, several years I was in love with someone (this is not to say that I haven't been in love since then, but I'll admit it hasn't happened frequently). I was so in love with this man that I was convinced that he was "the one", the love of my life. I just knew that, if only fortune would smile upon me, we would spend the rest of our lives together. The problem was (and you know there had to be a problem) he didn't feel the same. He loved me, but he wasn't in love with me ... and it showed. I managed to avoid the truth and shake off the reality of our relationship for a long time. Finally (and I mean after a few years) I forced myself to confront the blatant verity of what was happening with us and I didn't like what I saw. Not only was he never going to love me the way I loved him, I didn't like the person that I was while waiting for him. I wanted to slap myself awake and stop acting like a pathetic little girl craving love. So, I ended it and have never spoken to him again. [Wow, that come out a lot harsher than I meant it to. Actually it was positive and life affirming, not pissy or hostile, like I made it sound.]

Since that time I have had a really difficult time lying to myself. If I even I attempt to fool myself into thinking that situations are different than they actually are, it doesn't work. I am (sometimes brutally) honest with myself and I don't know how to be otherwise. I think it's more than a byproduct of this one relationship, it was the culmination of a lifetime of misleading and hurtful occurrences. That's not supposed to sound horrible, it's not a movie of the week. My childhood was decent, all things considered. But there was enough deception and subterfuge that as an adult I choose not to live that way and to be as forthcoming as possible, especially with myself. And most of the time, I am happy with how that goes for me. But, some days I wish that I had the gift of denial or artifice so that I could be happy with things (and people) that aren't right for me. That way when I lament my solitude, I could have all sorts of excuses on which to blame it.

But the plain truth of the matter is, I am aware of a lot of reasons that I am single. I know what I could do to change that, and once again my on-the-level nature prevents me from pretending that it's all someone else's fault. My candor forces me to admit that I just don't want to make those changes. I'm either too lazy, too scared or too set in my ways to bother. And that's a shame. I have an awful lot of love to give and I believe that I have a lot to offer the right man. But, I guess I don't really believe that I will find him, because I haven't done a whole helluva lot to get myself together like that. And that just, is what it is.

There's no George Clooney

For the past few days I've been in the middle of the perfect storm of introspection and insecurity. I've been questioning past and present relationships. And i have figured out absolutely nothing.

I wish I wasn't so honest with myself. Having the ability to be in denial would be a real gift right now.

Five Thoughts on last night

1. I really should just erase the fireman's number. I'd have less to be pissed at myself about.
2. Free champagne always tastes pretty good, no matter how crummy the vintage may be.
3. I never realized how many common interests I shared with Russ. That's cool.
4. I'm not sure how I got dip on the back of my pants leg. How do I do this stuff?
5. My front porch is pretty sweet!

Nuevo

I know it's been a while since I wrote anything substantial. And that's a big part of my problem. I always think I have to really write something to post it, and I get bogged down in the length or depth of the entry. So I think I'm going to stop making this so difficult and just start writing whatever I'm thinking about, be it small or monumental. And thus, I'm turning over a new leaf and committing to myself to write at least 10 posts a month. We'll see if I can manage this better than any of my other resolutions. LOL

more mental meandering (I love alliteration)

Here are two separate entries that I started but never finished. I'm going to post them in their unfinished state, so they don't just stagnate like old water in My Documents folder.

I recently read a friend’s blog about finding your other half. I must say that, although he makes a strong personal argument, I have never bought into this concept. I always think that I’m complete already and that anyone that I might choose to share my life with would be an addition, not a completion. I just cannot believe that I am somehow deficient if I don’t have another person to supplement me. I know who I am as a person and the changes and growth that I’ve made and if you tell me that none of it is enough without someone else, I have to disagree. I know things, I’ve been places, I have people I love (and who love me); I am a fully realized individual and I am as much as I was born to be. I think the idea of there being another half out there that I have to locate or be forever diminished invalidates the person that I am. And anything that negates my life and existence is not to be borne. So no, I don’t believe in soul mates.

and

My best friend told me that she wasn’t as strong as me. I suspect that strong was being used as a synonym for hard. (It’s okay, I love you anyway) But, the truth is I am so not strong or hard. I am, however a survivor, and more than that, I wholeheartedly believe in self-preservation. I have always been a person who values myself most highly. Some people would say it’s selfish; I say there’s nothing wrong with being selfish, just don’t be self-absorbed. I’m a good person, if you know me well, you already know that. I love exuberantly, protect those I love fiercely and have the same pains as anyone else. But when I decide to protect myself, whether trying to avoid emotional destruction or physical pain, I commit to it. Yes, it hurts like hell when I break-up with someone, but once I have made that choice, I stick to it. I can’t say it’s easy, but I can say that in the end it always feels worth it to me.

I write about the past way too much

AKI wishes that I could affect the past. I have a few changes I’d like to make.

Late last night I changed my Facebook status to the above (ignore the horrible grammar). I got a few comments, so I feel the need to elaborate. At the time I posted that I meant it, mostly due to drunken reminiscing, but I am well aware that it’s a laughable conceit. I’m not a person who lives in the past or who dwell on what ifs. I’m fully aware that the events of our past are what shape our present, and I have always lived my under that tenet. But, I am a nostalgic person. For the most part, I look back fondly on the people and happenings of my personal history. And last night I was just having one of those moments where I was recalling incredible feelings and wishing that I could have that in my life right now. And I don’t think that’s such a terrible thing to do every now and again. Don’t get me wrong, this isn’t a cheesy 80’s movie. I don’t believe that there would be some huge improvement in my current life if only Jamie Lewis and I had been BFFs in the 6th grade. But I do sometimes wonder what the effect on my circumstances would have been if I had made different choices. I am happy with the person that I have become over these last 32 years, and I can’t see being someone else, but I am curious about who that other person might have been. In the end though, I’m satisfied with what I have. So, having said that, I’m going to change my status now.

AKI is aware that the past is history and is happy with the space I’m in. The nostalgic moment has passed. (Thanks for the love people).

Archie Shepp speaks to me

I'm currently sitting here listening to jazz and thinking about how funny life is. It kind of always amazes me how everything you do (or don't do) leads you to the moment you're in right now. So I hope the moment that you're in is worth it. Enjoy life as much as you can. Recognize the gravity of it all, but don't be afraid to be silly. Embrace the experience as much as you can, because in the end, it's like a long-term video rental. You can keep it for a long time, but eventually you'll have to buy it. (Yeah, that was a terrible metaphor).

Much love people,

--AKIP--

My year in review

I found this fill-in questionnaire on some site or another and thought it very interesting. I think it's great to remember the events of each year so that they live on throughout the rest of your years. So, here it is. My fill in answers are in orange.


In 2008,

• I gained 25 pounds *groan* .
• I lost my sense of incredulity that we were even discussing having a black president.
• I stopped expecting people to take the advice that they asked me for. These days I'm of the "do whatever you want" school.
• I started this blog (and this one and this one).
• I was hugely satisfied by finally finishing and moving back into my house.
• I was so frustrated by having to evacuate for Hurricane Gustav and all the ensuing anxiety that caused. But nothing happened and then Hurricane Ike kicked ass west of here and I remembered to count my blessings.
• I am so embarrassed that I actually started chanting U-S-A, from my couch while watching the Olympics.
• Once again, I met some cool new people and made a few great friendships.
• Once again, I did not go back to school, like I keep claiming I’m going to.
• The biggest physical difference between me last January and this January is (although I hate to mention it again) that damned 25 pounds.
• The biggest psychological difference between me last January and this January is that I'm another year older and deeper in debt (shout out to Sixteen Tons).
• I loved spending time as I always do, with my family and traveling.
• Why did I spend even two minutes dating someone I knew from jump was wrong?
• I should have spent more time working on my writing.
• I regret buying whatever it was I bought that charged up all my credit cards. LOL.
• I will never regret buying my plane ticket to Croatia even though with that money I could have bought some extra furniture or paid off some credit cards.
• I cursed and drank way too much.
• I didn’t drink and curse enough.
• The extremely excessive election coverage drove me crazy.
• Was the climate crazier than ever last year? Or was it me?
• The most relaxing place I went was Rab, Croatia.
• I feel so nostalgic when I write that down.
• Why did I go to see Babylon AD? Oh yeah, it was my unholy love for Vin Diesel. *hangs head in shame*
• The best thing I did for someone else was signed Aria up for baseball. (Okay, this may have been for me, because it was hysterical. Go Tooth Fairies!).
• The best thing I did for myself was made a conscious effort to be happy.
• The best thing someone did for me was all of the help I received from so many loved ones in getting my house finished and settled.
• The one thing I’d like to do again, but do it better, is Grown-up Prom.