I have had some wonderful moments in my life. Sometimes mere moments have seemed like lifetimes in and of themselves. I have spent nights falling into the best circumstances and I have labored away at making memories to treasure. However, the one thing I have never been able to do is to recreate a moment. It does not matter how well I reunite the persons, places, actions and emotions, it just can't be the same. On occasion, you can achieve a different kind of magic, but it's never identical.
You may wonder why I would even want to relive the same moments. I believe life is about experiences and I truly love to have new adventures. I cherish these brief breaks from the norm and realize that their value lies in the fact that they are distinct from my day-to-day existence. But, occasionally I enjoy a time so sublime that I wish it could be "real life". It could be as simple as a unusual meal, or as profound as finding yourself surrounded by divinity. For me, somewhere in the middle, there exist sublime nights spent with temporary men.
For me, there have been a lot of temporary men who did not lead to transcendent experiences. But there remain a few who take up permanent space in my heart and mind, in spite of the short-lived nature of our connection. Some guys who I have spent scant hours with, mean more to me in the long run than ones I may have consorted with for months. I don't always realize how enduring an effect someone is going to have until much farther down the road, but sometimes, I just know. I get a feeling that no matter what, I'm going to be thinking about that man and our moment for a very long time. Recently, I had that feeling.
In my last post, Message in a Bottle (huh, just realized the similarity of the titles. Interesting.) I wrote about that feeling and the person who inspired it. And though he is still in my life in a limited capacity, he is definitely a temporary man. So transitory in fact, that I didn't think I'd ever see him again. Now, that belief has been upended. He is coming back and he wants to see me. Why does that bother me so? In that last post I was desirous of just such a occurrence. But, in the time between then and today, I have landed back in my real life and now the idea of another moment with him is frightening and intimidating.
What is there to be so afraid of? I keep asking myself this question. I guess it all boils down to what I said earlier. I remain unconvinced that the moment can ever be recaptured. And I worry that failing to do so taints the memory of what was. Maybe I'm being too cerebral about this. Maybe I'm just chickenshit. I will go into this with as open a mind as I can manage and hope for the best. Either way, I have to admit to myself that wonder doesn't end, transience isn't written in stone, and hope can be scary.
Here we go. Geranimo ...
