Yesterday, at around 7:00 on a Sunday morning, I set my
facebook status as “I don't know what just happened, but can I just keep
feeling like this?” The answer is, of course, no. You cannot stretch that
certainty of bliss and exciting indecision. Or at least, I can’t. Eventually my
brain turns on and then here come the doubts. For me, doubts and fear are usually
a self-fulfilling prophecy. Or maybe it’s
just that in this kind of situation it’s entirely reasonable to have apprehension.
Six hours before that status update I sent a text that said “I
am in love. For real.” And shortly thereafter, another that said “I know it’s
crazy, but he’s amazing.” And in the moments I sent those messages they were
absolutely true. I will not try to discount my earlier feelings, just because
logic and reality have now rendered them moot, or at least premature. I was
completely under the influence (of both alcohol and Man) but that makes my sentiments
no less legitimate.
Today, I sit here slightly physically bruised and
emotionally battered. I have a likely valid worry that the thrill is gone. I
don’t believe in the actuality or feasibility of this currently. It took less
than a day for certainty to bear down on me. Hope still remains, but flickers
with changing winds. I acknowledge that this always had very little chance of
being authentic. But maybe it’s good that for a few hours, I was in love “for real”.
So, thanks M.
