Dark Water

I am always somewhat surprised by the power of water. Water has the force to bore a hole in rock, completely change a landscape, nurture a crop and thereby a society, or take a person's life, destroy a home, or decimate an entire area. You'd think I would remember that after all that water has brought to me, but somehow the point is hammered in anew every time I am shown its magnitude.

I love the sea. I guess I am indeed a water baby, a true Cancerian. To me there is an amazing calmness in the turmoil of the waves. I could, and have, spend hours watching the tide come in, as white water foams up against the sand and flows back out to meet its blue brethren. I know that all of that beauty comes as a byproduct of an incredibly strong tidal system that cannot be deterred by the whims of man, but that's part of the innate beauty of it.

I have an uncle who drowned. I never really knew him, as he died when I was young. I regret that loss and lack of knowledge, as I think he was probably a unique soul, within a family of large personalities. I have previously thought it's such a shame that he died that way, because it has to be a terrifying way to go - trapped within the mercies of the sea.

I almost drowned earlier today. I was simply enjoying the glory of the sea and it turned on me. Waves that were clearly heading one direction were masking treacherous undercurrents going the complete opposite way. No matter what I did, I could not make my body head shoreward. As the waves continued to get larger and larger, crashing over my head, I looked at my helplessly panicked best friend almost on the shore, and thought, "Oh shit, this is it."

I flailed around for what felt like an hour, but was probably more like two minutes, screaming for help when I could get air into my lungs. Finally, I saw three brave souls come running, from where, I have no idea. And as they were leaping into the roiling waves, I thought I just have to make it until one of them can get here. Several seconds later, I landed on a rock that allowed me to stand up, out of the water from the waist up. The waves continued to bombard me and push me away, but I just knew that I had to hold on to that rock. And hold on I did, until one of these amazing men reached me. Eventually two of them helped me back to the shore and I felt such gratitude, that I couldn't express, because I couldn't talk. They disappeared just as abruptly as they had come and I tried to pull myself together.

It's funny, at no point did my life flash before my eyes. There was no near death epiphany, just fear and strangely, love - Love of life, love for strangers who didn't even stay for thanks, and crazily enough, still love for the ocean. And more than all this, wonder at whatever force it was that saved my life. That something is bigger than all of us and created the very ocean that almost claimed me. You can use whatever name it is that works for you, I know people who use them all. To me, God is fine. And in that moment I felt God. And I think that's what I've always loved about the ocean anyway – it's God's glory.

So, thank you so much to my saviors whoever they may be. I pray that you be blessed and safe in your lives. To my friend, who I know would have killed herself trying to save me, I'm glad that wasn't necessary and I love you. And to the ocean and the God who created it, Thank you.

Pieces of Me

I have never been a believer in the concept of soul mates, something I've mentioned here before. But the more life I experience, I realize that sometimes we share connections with others that are deeply spiritual. Not so much sharing a soul, as sharing a sense of humor, an immediate kinship or even just an innate understanding of each other.

Most relationships in our lives are based on shared history, and in that you can form unique and lasting bonds. As you get to know each other, you begin to have combined experiences and in due time, you become experts on each other. You have a personal shorthand and insight into the person that others can't claim. But sometimes, on rare occasion, these steps are skipped. We meet another person for whom we have immediate insight that we shouldn't. It's like you have a direct line into some part of that person. And it's a powerful and disconcerting thing. And in truth, one of the most frightening things you can imagine. It's a completely unbelievable concept that someone can come into your life and almost instantly "get" you. But I know it's true. I've had the experience of connecting with a virtual stranger and we just fell into a groove, that's more than comfortable - it's just innately right. And in that moment, that magical time where you just "click", it's wonderful. The whole thing is some magical gift from the Powers that be and you feel blessed by it. How is it possible that in such a short time you can become so completely entrenched in someone? However it works, you're better for it.

But then, a strange thing happens. Or at least it does for me. You start to question it. You wonder how genuine anything this easy can possibly be. You feel slightly intruded on, because this person snuck past all your best defenses to get directly next to the heart of you. And you wonder if it's that simple for them to get in, will they even think twice in taking the shortcut to get out. So you find yourself trying to stay on guard against a spy who's already infiltrated your camp. The best thing to do is, go with it. The bottom line is, that connection is a miraculous thing and you should nurture it for as long as it can last.

Part and parcel

I have made mistakes in my life. Huge mistakes, small lapses, serendipitous missteps, real-life errors, embarrassing miscues, just mistakes of all kinds. But, the thing is, I'm okay with that. I'm a firm believer that mistakes are the way we learn and grow. If we didn't get things wrong, we would have no character and ability to get through life and it's struggles. And so, I stand proud on the mistakes that I have made.
I'm sure that if I thought about it I could find a miscue in my past that I would gladly change. But right now, I can't recall what might be.
So, I was pondering the situation I find myself in and I can't even find the space within myself to feel regret or fear. I've been more candid than I'm usually comfortable with, but it feels right. Honesty is a good thing, even if it does churn the smooth sailing waters. So, if this turns out to be a mistake, so be it. I can't wait to see what I learn from it.

The Dream Shake

Yes the title is a nod to Hakeem, but the actual subject matter of this post is a lot more literal. So, as I mentioned in the Event Horizon post, I took a large leap in a close relationship. I admitted to my very good friend (and to myself) that I am interested in pursuing an actual romantic relationship with him. When I sent him my email confession, I said that no matter what happened we would always be friends and I left it up to him to decide if it might be something he'd want. Well two weeks later I still hadn't heard anything, which was not at all a surprise. And though I didn't want to seem pushy, I was really starting to chafe under my self-imposed communications silence between us. So I blinked first and sent him a text. It was nothing serious, just an enjoying-my-life-how-are-you message. And he responded just as casually and that was that. The next day we had a phone conversation that was exactly as we always were pre outpouring of heart and never was there any mention of my email or any choice he had made. Joia says that he and I are very much alike and she's so right. I had to laugh after we hung up, because not mentioning the elephant in the room and hoping it'll just be okay and go away, is such a me move. Anyway, I took his extended silence to mean that his choice was a no and I'm alright with that, for the most part. So now my challenge becomes how to let it go. Traditionally, I'm good with cutting people loose and getting on with my life. But I'm not sure how to move on with my life when I want to keep the person in it. How do I let go of the idea of he and I together and shift my emotions back down to a friendly gear? I had this idea of he and I being we, and though I always kind of knew it was a fantasy, I'm not sure if I'm ready to let the fantasy go. I thought that it would be easy enough, but maybe I was wrong. I thought that I had given up on enough things to have a strong skill set for it. But maybe my past has not taught me anything useful about releasing a dream. But I'll figure it out, because I have to. There is no other viable alternative at this point. And making the best out of whatever crappy hand you're dealt is a life lesson that I know incredibly well.

Cannonball

Ruminations in the dark before slumber ...

I have this dream of what it is to be in a great relationship. This isn't to say that I believe that I've not seen any good ones to emulate, but it's more about incorporating the values and traits that are important to me. I guess every person's ideals are individual to them. For me, I need someone who understands my sense of humor, sarcasm and caustic wit. I want a person who is open to new experiences and values family as highly as I do. I enjoy a somewhat sybaritic life, what with the food, drink, travel and creature comforts, and I don't know how I could possibly make it with anyone who didn't feel the same. I find music to be an integral part of day-to-day life and I firmly believe that there is a special place in hell reserved for bad (especially slow) drivers.
But as important as all of those things seem, all I really want is the chance to love and be loved by someone who truly knows me.

Event Horizon

It's funny how things work. My cousin and lifelong partner in crime recently read my December 14th post and had to comment on it, as she was so moved by the theme of letting fear control your life. She used it as a confirmation to move forward with some things in her life, including daily blog-journaling, and to stop being scared.

With that on my mind I went into an situation where I had been actively avoiding admitting my own feelings. I had given the reins of my emotions to someone else and was just waiting and yearning for something more than what we had. But I had never been able to make that leap, to talk honestly, to admit to myself and to him what I wanted. I promised myself that I was going to have this difficult conversation with him. It may not be especially difficult for some people, but for me being this transparent about my feelings is probably my biggest phobia. So, after trying and failing to bare my soul in a face-to-face conversation, I decided to play to my strengths and write him. With extreme trepidation I typed out 5 paragraphs (and untold emotions) into the scariest, most honest email missive that I could manage. I confessed to depth of my feelings and my hopes for what we could be. And I acknowledged the very real possibility that he did not feel the same. Still, pressing the send button was incredibly freeing. My fear was no longer the victor and I was liberated.

It has been several days since I made my declaration and I do not have an answer as yet. But, I have to admit that I didn't expect any response for at least a couple of weeks. I know this man pretty well and I knew that this would be something that he would take his time with, if for no other reason than to not hurt me with quick refusal. So, I take solace in the notion that he is considering it, considering us, and that's all I can reasonably demand.

In all this, no matter what happens, I count it as a victory just in the asking. There could not be a clearer mark in the "W" column for me than swallowing my fear and doing the thing that terrified me so for all these years. So, I'm going to hope for the best, but be satisfied with the growth either way. It's slow going, but I am inching towards becoming the person that I want to be.