I write about the past way too much

AKI wishes that I could affect the past. I have a few changes I’d like to make.

Late last night I changed my Facebook status to the above (ignore the horrible grammar). I got a few comments, so I feel the need to elaborate. At the time I posted that I meant it, mostly due to drunken reminiscing, but I am well aware that it’s a laughable conceit. I’m not a person who lives in the past or who dwell on what ifs. I’m fully aware that the events of our past are what shape our present, and I have always lived my under that tenet. But, I am a nostalgic person. For the most part, I look back fondly on the people and happenings of my personal history. And last night I was just having one of those moments where I was recalling incredible feelings and wishing that I could have that in my life right now. And I don’t think that’s such a terrible thing to do every now and again. Don’t get me wrong, this isn’t a cheesy 80’s movie. I don’t believe that there would be some huge improvement in my current life if only Jamie Lewis and I had been BFFs in the 6th grade. But I do sometimes wonder what the effect on my circumstances would have been if I had made different choices. I am happy with the person that I have become over these last 32 years, and I can’t see being someone else, but I am curious about who that other person might have been. In the end though, I’m satisfied with what I have. So, having said that, I’m going to change my status now.

AKI is aware that the past is history and is happy with the space I’m in. The nostalgic moment has passed. (Thanks for the love people).

Archie Shepp speaks to me

I'm currently sitting here listening to jazz and thinking about how funny life is. It kind of always amazes me how everything you do (or don't do) leads you to the moment you're in right now. So I hope the moment that you're in is worth it. Enjoy life as much as you can. Recognize the gravity of it all, but don't be afraid to be silly. Embrace the experience as much as you can, because in the end, it's like a long-term video rental. You can keep it for a long time, but eventually you'll have to buy it. (Yeah, that was a terrible metaphor).

Much love people,

--AKIP--

My year in review

I found this fill-in questionnaire on some site or another and thought it very interesting. I think it's great to remember the events of each year so that they live on throughout the rest of your years. So, here it is. My fill in answers are in orange.


In 2008,

• I gained 25 pounds *groan* .
• I lost my sense of incredulity that we were even discussing having a black president.
• I stopped expecting people to take the advice that they asked me for. These days I'm of the "do whatever you want" school.
• I started this blog (and this one and this one).
• I was hugely satisfied by finally finishing and moving back into my house.
• I was so frustrated by having to evacuate for Hurricane Gustav and all the ensuing anxiety that caused. But nothing happened and then Hurricane Ike kicked ass west of here and I remembered to count my blessings.
• I am so embarrassed that I actually started chanting U-S-A, from my couch while watching the Olympics.
• Once again, I met some cool new people and made a few great friendships.
• Once again, I did not go back to school, like I keep claiming I’m going to.
• The biggest physical difference between me last January and this January is (although I hate to mention it again) that damned 25 pounds.
• The biggest psychological difference between me last January and this January is that I'm another year older and deeper in debt (shout out to Sixteen Tons).
• I loved spending time as I always do, with my family and traveling.
• Why did I spend even two minutes dating someone I knew from jump was wrong?
• I should have spent more time working on my writing.
• I regret buying whatever it was I bought that charged up all my credit cards. LOL.
• I will never regret buying my plane ticket to Croatia even though with that money I could have bought some extra furniture or paid off some credit cards.
• I cursed and drank way too much.
• I didn’t drink and curse enough.
• The extremely excessive election coverage drove me crazy.
• Was the climate crazier than ever last year? Or was it me?
• The most relaxing place I went was Rab, Croatia.
• I feel so nostalgic when I write that down.
• Why did I go to see Babylon AD? Oh yeah, it was my unholy love for Vin Diesel. *hangs head in shame*
• The best thing I did for someone else was signed Aria up for baseball. (Okay, this may have been for me, because it was hysterical. Go Tooth Fairies!).
• The best thing I did for myself was made a conscious effort to be happy.
• The best thing someone did for me was all of the help I received from so many loved ones in getting my house finished and settled.
• The one thing I’d like to do again, but do it better, is Grown-up Prom.

Oooh … Pretty Lights

Here I go again. Making absolutely the wrong choices at the wrong times. It is my gift. I keep thinking I’m going to get better at this, that I’m going to stop finding so much pleasure in these spontaneous spurts of crazy. But so far, it’s not looking great.

I realize that I’ve made that sound way more vague and mysterious than it actually is. The thing is, I know all of the steps that I could take to make things go more smoothly and but the truth is, they bore me. I need that adrenalin kick that I get from doing something “wrong” (or in some cases, someone “wrong”). I don’t crave it constantly, just intermittently, as a pressure release valve. So every once in awhile I go do something (usually a few things) that makes no sense to anyone but me. And the sense that it does make is completely fractured.

I sometimes think that I should be more normal. Then I remember, I reject the idea of normal. I figure everybody’s got their something – and that’s what makes us all individual and real. So this occasional outburst that I indulge in is just my way of syncing with my place in the world. And it’s not crazy - it’s just me. Or at least that’s what I tell myself to make it fit with my view of myself as pretty reasoned and self-actualized.

Anyway, this has just been me venting and I’m well aware that it’s nonsensical and circular. Welcome to my world. Don’t stare at the sun … it’ll hurt your eyes.

Hereby Resolved ...

My New Year’s Resolutions

Well, 2009 is upon us. I am happy to celebrate a new year where things will hopefully go so much better. I try not to make ridiculous resolutions that will only happen in my dreams, but I do want to note a few things that I feel strongly about getting done this year.

In 2009 I will

* Get my credit back in order. Moving into my house and the unexpected and underestimated expenses incurred therein have caused my previously repaired credit score to once again plummet. I vow to find a way to re-correct that.

* Start getting some kind of exercise. I put on like 25 pounds this year and I am so not loving it. I need to get back on the tennis court and maybe do some actual (groan) running.

* Really work on going back to school. This is not going to get any easier the longer I think about it. I just always wonder where I’m supposed to find the time and energy. But I think it is something I definitely need to do.

That's all. If I make too many, that's just setting myself up for failure.