Sundown

I wanted to write you a letter, but it felt inappropriate. So I thought about it, and came up with this. This forum certainly helps no one but me, but that’s my prerogative.

My dear,

So you did it. You got married. Congratulations. Huzzah.  I am happy for you, whether that’s what you want or not. After all, I wish you happiness now and evermore. And I genuinely wish you not just happiness, but joy. The great majority of me sincerely hopes that is what your nuptials bring you, joy. And if there is some small, inexplicable piece of me that worries that you might not have found it, that piece forces me to write.

I believe in you.  I have believed in you for a long time, despite often having no reason to do so, and occasionally having cause to actively not believe in you. I believe that you know how to live your life well. I believe that you can achieve all of the goals you and others have set for yourself. But I worry, that you don’t live your life to the fullest – That you may not be able to see past those goals and achievements to find sublime peace and infinite wonder. I hope that this is not the case, that your marriage will give you wings to fly, not more anchors to weight your soul.

I am not in love with you. I have previously been so, but I moved on in the face of blatant indifference and stagnant indecision. Along the way, I figured out that what I truly loved about you was us. Our connection was the best non-familial, female-male relationship of my life. I have never loved anyone that way I loved you and I never shall again. So, that is what I mourn upon hearing of your wedding. And I know that is a large part of your own deceit. I am sad knowing that the link that we share can never be the same again. It would be unfair and unrealistic to even try to hold on to the old “us”. So my concern for you and the bereavement of our loss is solitary. And that is as it should and must be.

From a world apart and simultaneously not far away, I wish you the best. Blessings be upon you both.  I hope that your union is a blessed one and that you never walk alone.  I plea that you love her better than you did me and that she adore you and fight for you in a way I never could.

In case I didn’t make this clear earlier, there is no more “us”. We are now friends in a general sense and through the social media lens. Unsurprisingly, I miss you, but I have to find my own wings to soar. I fervently wish to find the divine happiness of living past expectations – and spending my life bemoaning the past is not the way to get there.  I know that you wish me the same luck I wish you.

Love,

Me

Lightning in a bottle

I have had some wonderful moments in my life. Sometimes mere moments have seemed like lifetimes in and of themselves. I have spent nights falling into the best circumstances and I have labored away at making memories to treasure. However, the one thing I have never been able to do is to recreate a moment. It does not matter how well I reunite the persons, places, actions and emotions, it just can't be the same. On occasion, you can achieve a different kind of magic, but it's never identical.

You may wonder why I would even want to relive the same moments. I believe life is about experiences and I truly love to have new adventures. I cherish these brief breaks from the norm and realize that their value lies in the fact that they are distinct from my day-to-day existence. But, occasionally I enjoy a time so sublime that I wish it could be "real life". It could be as simple as a unusual meal, or as profound as finding yourself surrounded by divinity. For me, somewhere in the middle, there exist sublime nights spent with temporary men.

For me, there have been a lot of temporary men who did not lead to transcendent experiences. But there remain a few who take up permanent space in my heart and mind, in spite of the short-lived nature of our connection. Some guys who I have spent scant hours with, mean more to me in the long run than ones I may have consorted with for months. I don't always realize how enduring an effect someone is going to have until much farther down the road, but sometimes, I just know. I get a feeling that no matter what, I'm going to be thinking about that man and our moment for a very long time. Recently, I had that feeling.

In my last post, Message in a Bottle (huh, just realized the similarity of the titles. Interesting.) I wrote about that feeling and the person who inspired it. And though he is still in my life in a limited capacity, he is definitely a temporary man. So transitory in fact, that I didn't think I'd ever see him again. Now, that belief has been upended. He is coming back and he wants to see me. Why does that bother me so? In that last post I was desirous of just such a occurrence.  But, in the time between then and today, I have landed back in my real life and now the idea of another moment with him is frightening and intimidating.

What is there to be so afraid of? I keep asking myself this question. I guess it all boils down to what I said earlier. I remain unconvinced that the moment can ever be recaptured. And I worry that failing to do so taints the memory of what was. Maybe I'm being too cerebral about this. Maybe I'm just chickenshit. I will go into this with as open a mind as I can manage and hope for the best. Either way, I have to admit to myself that wonder doesn't end, transience isn't written in stone, and hope can be scary.

Here we go. Geranimo ...

Message in a Bottle

Yesterday, at around 7:00 on a Sunday morning, I set my facebook status as “I don't know what just happened, but can I just keep feeling like this?” The answer is, of course, no. You cannot stretch that certainty of bliss and exciting indecision. Or at least, I can’t. Eventually my brain turns on and then here come the doubts. For me, doubts and fear are usually a self-fulfilling prophecy. Or maybe it’s just that in this kind of situation it’s entirely reasonable to have apprehension.

Six hours before that status update I sent a text that said “I am in love. For real.” And shortly thereafter, another that said “I know it’s crazy, but he’s amazing.” And in the moments I sent those messages they were absolutely true. I will not try to discount my earlier feelings, just because logic and reality have now rendered them moot, or at least premature. I was completely under the influence (of both alcohol and Man) but that makes my sentiments no less legitimate.

Today, I sit here slightly physically bruised and emotionally battered. I have a likely valid worry that the thrill is gone. I don’t believe in the actuality or feasibility of this currently. It took less than a day for certainty to bear down on me. Hope still remains, but flickers with changing winds. I acknowledge that this always had very little chance of being authentic. But maybe it’s good that for a few hours, I was in love “for real”.

So, thanks M.