Free ...

I'm finally realizing that real truth in your life completely contradicts your ability to be cool.  Telling people you care about how you actually feel lays waste to any aloof affect. People (especially strangers) have often remarked on my persona. And I had begun to believe my own hype. But at the ripe old age of 36 (in two-and-a-half weeks) I'm admitting to myself that the act of laying myself bare is more important than whatever standoffish aura I have cultivated to make me appear "better" to others.

Whatever coolness I have ever had was created to mask my soft underbelly. I feel things as much as anyone else, but I long ago adopted the mantra of "never let 'em see you sweat". But I took it too seriously and applied that same motto to the important people in my life. I have long found it difficult to be completely truthful with them. Not that I lie, I just keep the deepest, most heartfelt and difficult things to say to myself. There are so many things I've never said so that I don't seem sentimental, or weak, or ... human, really. So lately I've been trying to get it all out. I know that it's like prying open clams, but I'm working on it.

One of the things that I've always liked most about myself is that I know me well and don't live in denial. I own all of my crazy and will admit it, if asked. But the self-honesty has pretty much ended with me. I am the person who always tries to tell my friends the truth about themselves and their decisions. So my inability to extend that principle to my own foolishness has to be alleviated. To be honest I won't be just sharing willy-nilly.  But I am striving to be more transparent with those who matter, even if it's really challenging or awkward.

Hey, every day is another notch. I am attempting to be a better person all the time. Baby steps ...

Be That Easy

You were what I wished for. When blowing out candles, or wishing on a lucky star, or even just alone in the dark with my secret thoughts, you were the thing that I wanted most. If I considered who I could see myself with for the rest of my life, it would have always been you. I may have been too cowardly to say that out loud, but in my mind and my heart, it was always you. You were my drunken phone call – you were the surefire spirit booster. You understand. You made even the mundane, fantastic, just by your presence. You make me smile.

I always believed there was some secret to romance that I didn’t grasp. I want things to be basic and understandable – rational and intelligent. I have always been terrible at relationships. I am unwilling to restrict who I am to fit others’ idealizations. I regret that I haven’t been bolder emotionally and more circumspect corporeally. I believe that I am a damn good person. I get gut feelings about people, which have been fairly accurate thus far. I am a nurturing caretaker with a flinty façade and I give affection and loyalty freely to those I love. I am aware that I can appear inaccessible and inscrutable, and I tend to foster that. I love that you make me smile.

Yesterday, I wanted desperately to be with you. I tried to deny it, to myself and others, but it was a definite truth. I tried to move on a thousand times, but never could completely manage it. Today, something changed. I love you, but I realized I can see someone else in that future vision of my life. I’ve cracked open that covert part of my heart that was previously reserved for only you. Tomorrow is a mystery to me. I don’t know what it’s going to be or who’s going to be there, but I am conspicuously changed. I can feel the difference even if it isn’t outwardly apparent. I will always love you, but there is more out there for me. Isn’t that amazing?

And, you still make me smile.