Be That Easy

You were what I wished for. When blowing out candles, or wishing on a lucky star, or even just alone in the dark with my secret thoughts, you were the thing that I wanted most. If I considered who I could see myself with for the rest of my life, it would have always been you. I may have been too cowardly to say that out loud, but in my mind and my heart, it was always you. You were my drunken phone call – you were the surefire spirit booster. You understand. You made even the mundane, fantastic, just by your presence. You make me smile.

I always believed there was some secret to romance that I didn’t grasp. I want things to be basic and understandable – rational and intelligent. I have always been terrible at relationships. I am unwilling to restrict who I am to fit others’ idealizations. I regret that I haven’t been bolder emotionally and more circumspect corporeally. I believe that I am a damn good person. I get gut feelings about people, which have been fairly accurate thus far. I am a nurturing caretaker with a flinty façade and I give affection and loyalty freely to those I love. I am aware that I can appear inaccessible and inscrutable, and I tend to foster that. I love that you make me smile.

Yesterday, I wanted desperately to be with you. I tried to deny it, to myself and others, but it was a definite truth. I tried to move on a thousand times, but never could completely manage it. Today, something changed. I love you, but I realized I can see someone else in that future vision of my life. I’ve cracked open that covert part of my heart that was previously reserved for only you. Tomorrow is a mystery to me. I don’t know what it’s going to be or who’s going to be there, but I am conspicuously changed. I can feel the difference even if it isn’t outwardly apparent. I will always love you, but there is more out there for me. Isn’t that amazing?

And, you still make me smile.