Mmm Mmm Good

The Lord so constituted everybody that no matter what color you are you require the same amount of nourishment. – Will Rogers

Biology teaches us that nourishment is essential to human existence, but I think that most people tend to ignore the fact that we need all kinds of sustenance to survive. It's not just a physical need, there also has to be mental, spiritual and emotional food, or we'll wither away and die, metaphorically speaking. There is no way that I could make it without my people being there as my sounding board and I believe that they feel the same. It nourishes me to have them feed my spirit. I know that sounds very new age, but it's true. We all go through life with this need for other people, a yearning to be with and relate to our own kind. True, there are some people who prefer to isolate themselves from other human contact, but true recluses are rare. For the most part, it is within our nature to crave interpersonal connection.

This compulsion for human contact, or even more personal belonging, compels us all to make choices that may be against our better reasoning. Often times we end up in relationships that may not make us happy, but satisfy our need to be with someone, anyone. We may find ourselves in awkward social settings, dealing with folks we don’t even like just to be a part of something. Sometimes, it’s just the inability to get out of a situation that we know is wrong, because we fear the unknown, outside of our dead relationship. Either way, doing something for the sole purpose of being with or amongst company, is never the answer. I’m not saying that we should be Walden-like and give up personal connections, just that we should weigh the value of those bonds to our quality of life.

In the end, all of humanity is on a search for affinity and accord. And there is nothing wrong with that, but we must be ever vigilant that this is a soul nourishing experience that we’re having.


* Okay, this post was a little deeper than I had intended today. My bad, I'll try to be more light-hearted in the future.

Sea Change

It is so dangerous to get completely wrapped up in your job. No one should define themselves by what position they hold, because it can go at any moment. I am always envious of those who have a vocational calling. They always know what they want to be and just have to take the steps to get there. The rest of us just have to drift around trying to figure it out. But either group has to be cautious that we don't become so consumed with our jobs that we don't have a life separate from it. Or worse, that we don't know how to live without it.

This is becoming a much larger worry than it used to be, with the state of the economy and all. I know lots of people are changing positions currently and I think we have to just focus on moving forward and taking care of ourselves and our families. Don't be so proud of where you've been, that you find it impossible to adjust to new circumstances.

Anyway, that's my two cents on careers. I just thought of it because of a couple of people I know in the midst of changes. Not that I think they need this advice, but I thought I'd put it out there just the same.

Sex is easy ...

Ah, I see I got your attention with that title. But sex is easy. Relationships are hard. Speaking of that, I need to discuss what it means to "want a relationship". Because it has come up three separate times over the course of this past weekend, I feel that I must comment on this. (Truthfully, I must admit that the last two times the subject was broached, I brought it up because of the first instance.)

First, a little background on me. I am not that girl who has planned her whole life for her wedding. I have never been a woman who gauges the quality of my life by the presence and/or perceived caliber of the man in it. In fact, I was a unabashed commitment-phobe for years. If you said the word relationship to me, I started moving around with a quickness. I just wasn't interested in anything long term, and the longest I really dated anyone would be a few weeks. And slowly, over time, I started to reevaluate my thought processes and begin to change. I made a few longer term emotional bonds and found what the good in them can be. So it occurred that after years of romantic transience, I finally felt good about the idea of settling down.

So this is where things get really interesting. It's a real dating (or even socializing) misstep to say to most men that you want to be in a relationship. Over and over again I've found that it makes them immediately take a step in the other direction. Then if you don't say it, you're not being clear about what you want. It's kind of a no-win scenario. And you never actually get a chance to explain what you really mean, and if you do they think it's some kind of rationalization. I don't know about anyone else, but for me when I say I want to be in a relationship, it means just that. I would like the comfort and familiarity of being with someone on a regular basis and truly sharing ourselves with each other. What saying that does not mean is I want to be in a relationship with you. I'm wanting the whole experience, meeting someone, dating, falling in love, and taking whatever the next step might be. It annoys the hell out of me when men find that out they get this trapped and hunted down look. I'm not trying to put just anyone into this role. I'm not some low rent employment agency, just trying to fill a vacancy with any available person. I don't know what's going to happen, but I promise trying to coerce an unwilling guy into being in a relationship with me is not on my agenda.

It always seems much easier for other women. I'm sure I'm exaggerating or oversimplifying, but I feel like I missed some sort of women's studies class that explained this technique. Or maybe it's just a natural instinct I'm missing. All I know is, getting into a relationship is much more difficult than I ever thought it would be. It seems like opportunity knocked a lot louder when I wasn't interested. But, I know this I'm not about to sign up to be with just anybody so that I can say I've got a man. I've made it 33 years without that. I'm sure I'll be able to survive.

Evolutions on a recurring theme (technical difficulties)

I had just written a long (and good) post about this, but then my stupid phone froze and I lost it, but I want to get some of this down before I forget.

Men and women do not speak the same language. The words are the same, but the context is completely different. We can't understand each other because we come at things from cross purposes. Generally, women run things through an emotional filter and men put everything under a motive microscope. We could be saying the exact same words to each other but they will be comprehended in entirely different ways. Then we respond after hearing it our way and the other person is completely confused and comes back with their own spin on things. It's what leads to these invariably frustrating circular conversations that we have and even more those conversations where the other person just isn't grasping your point. Sadly, we just aren't able to turn off our overly complicated thinking, and just deal with the words at hand. Until we can do that we will continue to have these unnecessarily complex conversational issues.

So next time you're talking to someone of the opposite sex, try and separate what you think they mean from what they actually said. If they do the same maybe we can make it out of this man - woman tower of Babel.

No BUDDYs here

I can’t tell you how tired I am of being friends with men. Okay, that’s an overstatement. I’m just over the nonsense that seems to come from the masculine half of the species. As far back as I can recall I have been friends with guys. I was pretty much a tomboy for the first several years of my life, always running and gunning with the boys. And though my best friend was usually a girl, I have had numerous male friends throughout the years. I have always liked talking to guys, often you have much easier conversations with them. I like talking about sports, cars, video games, etc., so I’ve always fit in at guy talk. I think that the benefit for men is that they can talk to me about almost anything. I can and will converse on topics of all type, from Madden to monogamy, jump shots to jump-offs, and GTOs to the G.O.A.T.. We can discuss the freakiest sex act you’ve ever thought about then move on the underrated joy of martial arts movies. So it has always been good for me to have male friends, but every once in awhile it gets to the point where I’d like to throw myself an all girl tea party and forget that I even know any guys.

The biggest issue for me in being friends with a guy is that you can’t have it both ways. You’re either friends or you’re sexual. You can’t be both, or worse, dwell in some vague undefined space in the middle. Or at least that’s how I am, but probably half the guys I’ve ever ended up being friends with seemed to like that ambiguous territory. And I’m sick of it. Fish or cut bait. It’s crazy to me, we’re just homies unless you have a rough day and want to bone away the tension. Or there might be something there, until they find something they like more. And I freely admit to the part of this that’s my fault. I like men a lot, in both an affable and a carnal way, so when I meet one I dig it can take me awhile to figure out which category he fits in. Then I end up with line straddlers and non-boundaried relationships. So, when I get frustrated with the nature of those connections, I have only myself to blame. But when I try to force these men to toe the friendship line, I get much resistance. I don’t understand, these men don’t want to be with me but it’s like they put me in some “maybe” position that excuses their blurring the lines even further. You can’t call me all the time telling me about the girl whose back you’re blowing out and then cockblock when your boy tries to talk to me. Don’t bitch at me about the lack of good women out there and then roll your eyes like I don’t count when I say I’m a good woman. It’s unfair for you to cast me in a “what if” light and expect me to just sit there waiting for you to decide. I’m not a K-Mart product; you cannot put me on layaway until you’re ready.

So I guess that’s it. I know I said I like talking to men but I will never understand them. But what man and woman ever truly do? I know I also said that you can’t have it both ways, but I like to believe that when I decide to share my life with a man he will be my best friend. But right this moment, like I said at the beginning, I am sick and tired of being “friends” with men.

Felicidades

Happy birthday to two amazing people who happen to be incredible woman and friends. I’m not going to rewrite my post about how much you mean to me, but I did want to acknowledge your 28th (ha ha) birthday. Here’s a blast from the past that always reminds me of us. Love you much my sisters.

Compleanno felice (Italian)
Feliz cumpleanos (Spanish)
Joyeux anniversaire (French)
Feliz aniversário (Portuguese)

I've got to stop ...

being so available. It gets me into nothing but trouble. It's one thing to like a person. It's quite another to always be ready at their whim. Not that I'm that bad, but sometimes I make it way too easy. Alright, it's old me time. I am now entirely too occupied to be concerned with what certain people are up to.

It's the 12th Anniversary ... of my 21st birthday

Okay people, I’m officially starting the countdown.
10 days until my birthday. Yay! … I guess.

It’s funny, I love my birthday, but am not a fan of getting older (like a lot of 30+ people I know). I just have to keep reminding myself that life is a gift and that aging is just the upgrade of that gift.

Don’t even get me started on what I’d like as a gift. I haven’t the vaguest notion. I never do. That’s the kind of thing kids are good at. With me, I can only ever come up with reasons to not ask for things. I would ask that person for this, but it’s too expensive, or I would ask this person for that but they would pick the wrong kind.

Anyway, it’s only 10 days left and I’m excited. I’ll be flying off to Houston next weekend to celebrate with two of my favorite people, but I’ll be back in NOLA in time to celebrate my actual birthday. I know that it’s going to be great. But, even if it's not, I'll already have a great gift ... life.

Pattern Alpha 13

You know that feeling you get when you feel alone in a room full of people? I am having that right now, here at Essence. Complete solitude in literally a stadium full of people. There is a strange kind of peace to it. Knowing that no matter what's going on with, for and to all of these folks, I maintain my own complete autonomy. Happy Independence day to me.

Say Cheese

I finally got my new camera. (Thanks Mom). I am so excited. I have already put it in my purse and I am ready to snap candid shots ad nauseum. I haven't felt like myself these past few months. All these events have gone by that I haven't been able to document the way I like. So warning to everyone, I may be on photo overload for the next few months. Don't fight it, just smile.

Here's the camera. It's really great. It does, like twice as much stuff as my old one. I love it already!