Stuck in a moment

So there was a wonderful moment for my family today. A moment that by rights, should make me supremely enthused. My cousin (who is one of my favorite people on the planet) and her husband welcomed a long awaited, and much desired child. And I wasn't really there at all. Don't get me wrong, I am truly happy for them and I already love their new son. But as the texts, facebook updates, and picture mails rolled in from maybe 10 miles away, I thought to myself one main thing ... I'm an idiot.

You see, I'm an idiot because I keep trying to make my dreams fit into my current life, instead of growing my life to match my dreams. As I'm savoring this joyous moment, I have to admit how much I want one in my life. Not a baby per se, but some permanent fixture in my life that makes me joyful. And I think that I have been making all of these excuses and delays why I cannot have that, because I'm terrified to try for it and fail. I have valid reasons why I can't even really fantasize about what it is I truly want in my life, or at least that's what I tell myself. But the plain, unvarnished truth is that I am letting fear and what-ifs control my future.

I had a long talk recently with my aunt who is kinda the mature version of me socially. She has great friends and family, enjoys her life fully, dates often and is generally an on-the-ball person. And as we talked I realized something - The place that she's in, 50 years old, never married, no kids, is not necessarily a life plan that she made. It's just what happened to her in life. She never had the right options at the right time. And I don't want that to be me. She told me that she was never against getting married and having kids, it just didn't happen. And while I believe that she's happy with her life, I can see that it may not have been the big picture that she expected. I would like very much NOT to look up in a few years and be in the same exact situation.

So I guess all of this means that I have to do something to make my life different. My conundrum is, what might that thing be? How do I cultivate a life and love that deviates from what I've been doing for the last 15 years? What can I do to ensure that I'm not a middle aged spinster? I truly wish I had the answer to those questions. And even larger than that, how do I connect with a variant part of myself? As usual, I've got questions with no solid answers. I'll figure it out I suppose. If not, I can at least be gratified that I do indeed have friends and family that can support me in my trials.

Even my mother, who is actively lobbying for me to provide her with grandchildren. But that's a story for another entry ...

Lost in my Emotional Badlands

The thing you need to know about me is I like my life strictly compartmentalized. People, experiences, and even thoughts go into their own carefully sorted boxes. I do not have issues with boundaries, because I man them like a United Nations sentry detail on a contested border. In the past I allowed a few relationships to blur the lines and each and every time they blew up in my face. This way of life is not for everyone, but it works for me.

Also, I am a person that likes to know what's going to happen. I'm very good at reading people and situations, all the better to presuppose how everything is going to play out. When I say I like surprises, I mean small insignificant things. All of the big stuff I like to have comfortably in my sights well in advance. Maybe it's the product of a somewhat unsettled childhood, but I need some measure of precognition in all of my undertakings. I'm sure any reasonably insightful person could tell you this is how I've gotten myself into so many situations that were destined to go no place. Failure is a success if all you ever expected was failure.

So, I suppose what I'm saying here is that I am an admitted control freak. It's not a surface thing, as I've cultivated a fairly laid back persona. But underneath that, is a kind of unyielding presence that I don't know how to drop if I wanted to. And those two areas, boundaries and foresight, are my hot button control issues. So, you can imagine what happens when those two elude me and I go careening head-on into completely unknown state of affairs.

I am freaking out. It's all love, and yet that's terrifying out here in this new uncharted desert. I'm pretty sure that nothing is going to come of this, but I'm also probably saying that just so that I can attempt to exert some semblance of authority over the circumstances. I just feel completely disconcerted. In my mind I always thought things were one way and somehow the entire world seemed to shift. Yes, I am being extremely melodramatic, but I am trying to deal with this as best as I can. The truth is, I have no idea how to react, other than I have to admit to myself that if feels good - a little strange, but incredibly good. I guess the upside of line blurring is how comfortable I already am with one side of the line. The giant drawback, is how much the other side scares the living crap out of me. I have a feeling this internal conflict isn't going away for awhile. I'm feeling like Cristo Redentor is what I need right now. *sigh*

5 Quick Questions

Okay, I'm ripping off this post directly from the fantastic OneChele.



1. What's the lamest thing said to you by an aspiring romantic candidate?

Well, I'm having a hard time coming up with a particularly terrible come on. I do get plenty of assorted breast references that are always pitiful. Also, there was this little gem.


2. What's your comfort music genre, when you want to feel good? What genre will you just not listen to?

I don't really have a "standard" comfort music. It really just depends on how I'm feeling at that moment. I will say that some version of "Soul" music is needed. Whether it's R&B, jazz, folk or even fado, it has to invoke emotions from deep within.



3. If you could live in any city in the world, what city would you pick?
That's a more difficult question. I have been a lot of places that I have thought in that moment I never wanted to leave. But I suppose if I could only pick one, I have to say Lisbon. Lisboa is just an amazingly beautiful city, with really friendly people (who actually love Americans), great food, fantastic social scene and a place where I instantly felt at home. Runners-up: Rab, Croatia & San Francisco.

4. Let's pretend Obama decides not to run in 2012, who's your pick?
Wow, this is a very hard question. I have no idea who's even thinking about running. I guess I would have to say Hillary Clinton. I know that she doesn't necessarily have a personality that everyone loves. But I think she's incredibly intelligent and certainly capable of doing the job.

5. Name a famous person you would love to meet.
I've met or seen a few famous people. In general I'm not blown away by them, so I guess the question becomes more about who do I think I could have a great conversation or a really good time with? I think I could share a great talk punctuated by raucous laughs with Chris Rock. I have this strange feeling having a beer with Jon Favreau would be a really good evening. And how cool would it be to have dinner with Eric Ripert?

Thoughts on today's television

I enjoyed my usual lazy Sunday. I napped through a wonderful rainstorm and then spent the rest of the day watching tv and dvds. Throughout the day I had several notions pop into my head and here are some:

¤ Paul Gross is a sexy, sexy man. Yet he seems like someone you could actually meet, like and get to know.

¤ Amelie is a great movie, quirky and fun, but still packing an emotional punch. I watch it every time I see it on. I probably should buy it already

The Heart of (my) Life

Hello blog. It’s been ages since I wrote anything. I have all of the best intentions of writing, but I never seem to get it together. But I swear, I’m going to get better. I honestly want to get back to posting regularly. Anyway, I do actually have a topic I want to discuss. This subject comes up often in my writings, though generally only peripherally. But I was spurred on today by something a friend said to me, something that I’ve heard many times before, “You travel more than anyone I know”. So I want to talk about travel and my many journeys, both past and (hopefully) future. I have to say, I know that this subject has the possibilities of making me sound like a complete braggart. Let me assure you, I am not attempting to impress or condescend to anyone with this. To many people it sounds like somewhat extensive travel experience, but to others it’s just a drop in the bucket. I should say that I unabashedly love to travel. I dig everything about it, the different experiences, the potential to learn something new, the comfort of finding someplace wonderful exactly how you last left it, encountering people you would otherwise have never known, and all of the things, good and bad, that come with stepping outside of your normal life. I love researching and planning trips and I’m completely interested in experiencing fresh places, even if it’s by poring over other people’s vacation photos.

I can list all of the foreign lands that I’ve been to fairly easily – Italy (Rome, Tuscany, Florence & Venice), Spain (Madrid, Seville, Granada & Barcelona), Croatia (Zagreb, Rab & Dubrovnik), France (Aix-en-Provence, Marseilles, Cassis, St. Tropez, Vence & Nice), Portugal (Lisbon), The Bahamas (Nassau / Paradise Island), Jamaica (Negril, Ocho Rios & Montego Bay), Canada (Vancouver), and Mexico (Cancun, Saltillo, Tulum, & Laredo). Of the 50 states, I’ve only missed 7, including Alaska and Hawaii. And though that sounds like a lot of travel to some, all I can think about is all the places I haven’t been and all of the amazing things I’ve yet to see. I could make an extensive list of all of the foreign lands I want to get to and at least 10 of those feel necessary to me. Like I have a need to see them. I keep my passport on me, in case the urge (and ability) to travel hits me out of the blue. I spend more time on travel sites than anyone I know, looking up far-flung resorts and eateries as if I might go there tomorrow. I subscribe to 4 separate travel magazines and twice as many e-newsletters. I carry a photo book in my purse to remind me of trips I’ve taken and locations I’ve been to. And my favorite way to release workday tension is to plan a trip, which I may take only in my mind.

I say all of that to say that I am fascinated (and lightweight obsessed) with traveling. Something about the act of being away from my day-to-day life soothes my soul. I know that there are some people who prefer to stay at home and not stray far from their comfort zones. But, as much as I love the home I’ve made for myself, I don’t understand that mindset. Then again, I suppose they don’t understand me either. I find it difficult to verbalize the depth of my feelings on this subject. But I know where this love comes from. I am grateful everyday for my parents who drove me all over the country as a child and my grandparents who had the sense of adventure to live all over the globe and instilled that bit of daring in their children. And I’m most glad that they have always supported (emotionally and financially) my quest to see the world. I want very much to pass this joy on. I encourage folks to get out there and see what they can see. Not just to dream of far-off lands, but to save up their money and actually go there. And to be open to the experiences that they find there. I think that’s the best thing, being open to experiences, not just while traveling, but at home too. And I want my life to be filled with the best things possible, therefore I travel.

My thoughts on the Grammys

Okay, I don't tweet, so I have to find a different way to put my feelings about tonight's ceremony out there. So, here it is As I watch the show (with the beauty of DVR) I will mention any notions that comes to me.

And away we go ...
¤ Lady Gaga is like performance art, mixed with roadside carnival. No, that's not a compliment. And yet, I must admit her stuff is catchy.
¤ Seriously, will Elton John perform with anyone who asks?
¤ I think Simon Baker is actually sexier without the accent. Huh, who would've thought that?
¤ Why the hell is Beyonce singing You Oughta Know? I'm just glad Alanis didn't show up for the cheesy awards show duet.
¤ Pink, I'm tired of your trapeze act. I've seen it over and over again. Get a new schtick. I am always surprised by her voice though.
¤ That is not a good look, Miranda Lambert.
¤ I used to really dig country music. What happened, cause Lady Antebellum is not getting it done.
¤ Ringo Starris tiny.
¤ The more I see the Kings of Leon, the more I like them.
¤ I love Robert Downey Jr. Always game for the joke and very sexy. But that he grew into, he was not hot in Less than Zero.
¤ Thought from EP, "Has Jamie Foxx ever made a song that wasn't preposterous?"
¤ Seriously, I'm not hating on Taylor Swift, but I don't get it. What makes her so special? She sounds like a high school student in a talent show.
¤ This Michael Jackson tribute is cheese-tacular. And 3-D gives me a headache.
¤ As has been said on numerous occasions, by many people, Jon Bon Jovi looks incredible for his age. But what no one ever says is how old the rest of the band looks. Melanin would have helped y'all tremendously.
¤ Placido Domingo and Mos Def? Thanks award show.
¤ When they announced this Mary J. Blige / Andrea Bocelli performance, I didn't know what to think, but I suspected it wouldn't really work. Well, it wasn't terrible, but it just didn't do it for me. I hope lots of folk download it for Haitian relief though.
¤ Maxwell is obviously hoarse, but he's still doing his thing. I love that he's doing Where is the Love with Roberta Flack. However, her makeup was applied by a half-blind drunk ... who hates her.
¤ Thanks Drake, for letting Lil Wayne and Eminem have a moment to do their own tracks. (That is sarcasm). When did Travis Barker become the full time hip-hop guest drummer? Is he trying to take ?uestlove's job?
¤ Taylor Swift? Album of the Year? Really ???? ... I still don't get it.

Okay, I guess that's the end of that. This was a fairly lackluster show. Crappy winners (and nominees, really) and there were no performances I could even come close to calling classic. All in all, blah. I'm glad I watched on DVR.

Preach!!!!

Have you seen this? I missed a lot last week, but I'm glad I caught this. Keith Olbermann - thank you, thank you, thank you. You said this better than I ever could.

Back to Basics

Actually, the title of this entry is a total misnomer. There is absolutely nothing basic about what I want to talk about. This past week I have had the amazing experience of reconnecting with friends, some constants, some I hadn't seen in awhile. In doing this I have been able to really enjoy my life in a way that should be impossible with the difficult circumstances I'm dealing with. To me, friendship is the touchstone of a well lived life and this week I realized just how great a life I have. Being a real part of someone's life, no matter how long it is between visits, is an important thing and an honor. Seeing families start, grow, change and ultimately thrive, is incredible and even moreso when those families count you in their number. Thanks to all of my friends who make my life so much more than just existence.

- akip

This post dedicated to all of my fantastic friends, especially Norma & Irene, The Ramirez (& Fernandez) family, The Preston Family and, as always, Amanda.

Time & Change ...

Well I haven't written anything here in almost 3 months. I've meant to, but just haven't gotten to it somehow. In these past 80 days or so, I've gone through a lot. I should have many things to talk about and I will get to them soon. Here's a preview:

1. Unemployment
2. European Vacation
3. Love letter to Lisbon (yes that should be included in the previous entry, but it deserves it's own separate thought.)
4. What to do with the rest of my life
5. Being broke at Christmas
6. Control Freak-ism
7. Thoughts on long distance relationships
8. etc. ...