The Dream Shake

Yes the title is a nod to Hakeem, but the actual subject matter of this post is a lot more literal. So, as I mentioned in the Event Horizon post, I took a large leap in a close relationship. I admitted to my very good friend (and to myself) that I am interested in pursuing an actual romantic relationship with him. When I sent him my email confession, I said that no matter what happened we would always be friends and I left it up to him to decide if it might be something he'd want. Well two weeks later I still hadn't heard anything, which was not at all a surprise. And though I didn't want to seem pushy, I was really starting to chafe under my self-imposed communications silence between us. So I blinked first and sent him a text. It was nothing serious, just an enjoying-my-life-how-are-you message. And he responded just as casually and that was that. The next day we had a phone conversation that was exactly as we always were pre outpouring of heart and never was there any mention of my email or any choice he had made. Joia says that he and I are very much alike and she's so right. I had to laugh after we hung up, because not mentioning the elephant in the room and hoping it'll just be okay and go away, is such a me move. Anyway, I took his extended silence to mean that his choice was a no and I'm alright with that, for the most part. So now my challenge becomes how to let it go. Traditionally, I'm good with cutting people loose and getting on with my life. But I'm not sure how to move on with my life when I want to keep the person in it. How do I let go of the idea of he and I together and shift my emotions back down to a friendly gear? I had this idea of he and I being we, and though I always kind of knew it was a fantasy, I'm not sure if I'm ready to let the fantasy go. I thought that it would be easy enough, but maybe I was wrong. I thought that I had given up on enough things to have a strong skill set for it. But maybe my past has not taught me anything useful about releasing a dream. But I'll figure it out, because I have to. There is no other viable alternative at this point. And making the best out of whatever crappy hand you're dealt is a life lesson that I know incredibly well.

Cannonball

Ruminations in the dark before slumber ...

I have this dream of what it is to be in a great relationship. This isn't to say that I believe that I've not seen any good ones to emulate, but it's more about incorporating the values and traits that are important to me. I guess every person's ideals are individual to them. For me, I need someone who understands my sense of humor, sarcasm and caustic wit. I want a person who is open to new experiences and values family as highly as I do. I enjoy a somewhat sybaritic life, what with the food, drink, travel and creature comforts, and I don't know how I could possibly make it with anyone who didn't feel the same. I find music to be an integral part of day-to-day life and I firmly believe that there is a special place in hell reserved for bad (especially slow) drivers.
But as important as all of those things seem, all I really want is the chance to love and be loved by someone who truly knows me.

Event Horizon

It's funny how things work. My cousin and lifelong partner in crime recently read my December 14th post and had to comment on it, as she was so moved by the theme of letting fear control your life. She used it as a confirmation to move forward with some things in her life, including daily blog-journaling, and to stop being scared.

With that on my mind I went into an situation where I had been actively avoiding admitting my own feelings. I had given the reins of my emotions to someone else and was just waiting and yearning for something more than what we had. But I had never been able to make that leap, to talk honestly, to admit to myself and to him what I wanted. I promised myself that I was going to have this difficult conversation with him. It may not be especially difficult for some people, but for me being this transparent about my feelings is probably my biggest phobia. So, after trying and failing to bare my soul in a face-to-face conversation, I decided to play to my strengths and write him. With extreme trepidation I typed out 5 paragraphs (and untold emotions) into the scariest, most honest email missive that I could manage. I confessed to depth of my feelings and my hopes for what we could be. And I acknowledged the very real possibility that he did not feel the same. Still, pressing the send button was incredibly freeing. My fear was no longer the victor and I was liberated.

It has been several days since I made my declaration and I do not have an answer as yet. But, I have to admit that I didn't expect any response for at least a couple of weeks. I know this man pretty well and I knew that this would be something that he would take his time with, if for no other reason than to not hurt me with quick refusal. So, I take solace in the notion that he is considering it, considering us, and that's all I can reasonably demand.

In all this, no matter what happens, I count it as a victory just in the asking. There could not be a clearer mark in the "W" column for me than swallowing my fear and doing the thing that terrified me so for all these years. So, I'm going to hope for the best, but be satisfied with the growth either way. It's slow going, but I am inching towards becoming the person that I want to be.