Exhaustion

It's been a little while since I wrote anything, although not nearly as long as I have gone in the past. And truthfully there are some things that I've been turning over in my mind that I could try to reason out here. But the problem is, I am just so tired. Mentally, emotionally and physically I am just about tapped out. I feel like I need a change, preferably a large one. And usually that's when I do something crazy, but right now I don't think I have the energy to even act up. Oh well, here's hoping that I can get to feeling right soon. I'm glad that the holidays are approaching so rapidly. I crave the inpouring of verve that being with my family provides.

Until then, I'll try to get something written, but don't be too surprised if there's no product to come. Love y'all anyway.

--AKIP--

Being a better person ... and all that crap

I lack the killer instinct that once I had. Or I am just unable to be really ugly to people when I’m sober. Let me explain. A few years ago, if pissed off I had the ability to make a grown man completely enraged (occasionally with hot, angry tears), just by talking. I was (usually) able to do this without profanity, raised voices, or resorting to cracks about his equipment. I found that when is someone is pissed with you and all you do is respond calmly, disinterestedly, and somewhat condescendingly, they tended to get more heated. If I then left the conversation with a look of scornful derision, that was hitting the bullseye. Don’t misunderstand, I was very aware that this method was hostile and somewhat emasculating, but it was effective and I reveled in their upset. That was in the bad old days, when I was living the Sith lifestyle. So now, the reformed me handles disagreements more maturely and in a way that is more secure for everyone’s mental health. But the problem is, now I have no ability to be cutthroat, even when I should.

For example, I had an ex who basically disappeared from my life on my birthday and then maintained radio silence to the point of invisible man status. Then, randomly, a couple of months later he called out of the blue and just started small talking like we would be cool. Old school me would have cut him to the quick … with a quickness. But this new me was so stunned by his unmitigated gall that I was lured into a few brief conversations with a promise of an explanation for his disappearing act. Finally a few days later I informed him (in no uncertain terms) that I no longer wished to hear from him. My exact words were “Don’t text me. Don’t call me. Leave me the hell alone”. And I felt bad afterward, as if I had said or done something cruel to him. I sometimes wish I hadn’t filed off quite so many rough edges, when trying to become a well-rounded person. Some of those sharp edges were helpful.

These days, my method of being done with a man is to gradually phase his presence out of my life and hope that he gets the message. I have always abhorred people whose break-up tactic was to simply fade away. It always seemed like the coward’s way out. I’ve repeatedly advised others to just inform the person that you’re done with them and aren’t going to change your mind (and then stick to that). So this ceasing communication technique is not something I’m super proud of. But it allows me to not directly hurt someone, or at least that’s what I tell myself. And I’m so inured to the practice, that I can’t seem to do otherwise, even when the more vindictive parts of me say that the man earned some rancorous behavior. It drives me crazy!

Maturity is a bitch sometimes!

Election Day - HOPE!!

This morning I stood in line for 2 hours to vote. Two whole hours! Plus, I arrived at my polling place at 6 am. 6 AM! If you knew the depths of my impatience and my general disdain for getting up early in the morning for anything, you would understand how major this is. I stood in queue for an interminable length at that god-awful time of morning so that I could be a part of something I believe in, voting in general and voting in this election specifically. And the most amazing thing that happened after all of this is that I went in the booth and cast my ballot for a black man. An African American is actually a viable option in this election for President of the United States. This whole year, that fact has never ceased amazing me. I actually voted very quickly, meaning I didn’t stay in the booth and marvel over the groundbreaking nature of what I had done. Partially because there was a long line and I was trying to be courteous, but mostly because I have been so awed by the events of this year, that I have already pondered the historical merits ad nauseum. I am at first, overwhelmed by a sense of incredulity and then want to leap with a feeling of exuberance and finally the fear kicks in. Fear, that no matter what the polls would lead you to believe, this race will not have the ending we want. I sincerely hope this is not true. I hope that Barack Obama will be the next president of the United States and I hope that he does the incredible job at it that we, his supporters, believe he will do. And isn’t that hope the whole point?