Life's Like This

What’s Life Like by Raphael Saadiq - from Instant Vintage

What’s life like, living without a soul
What’s life like if you’re living without a goal
What’s life like if you don’t even talk to your best friends
What’s life like if you never lend a helping hand
What’s life like if you can’t smell a rose
What’s life like if you’re always posing
What’s life like if you live out of your window
What’s life like if you never touch the world
What’s life like if you’re never saying hi to boys and girls
What’s life like if you’re living on the internet and never touch the world
You gotta be real with yourself, cause you’re living in a jaded world



I dig this song a lot. In fact I use it as a ring tone for a few of my good friends. I just appreciate the lyrics, maybe because I relate to them in some strange way. Some days I just want to take to my bed and sleep the world away and other days pass with so little deviance from routine that I feel almost robotic. And then I break free and find myself in crazy situations and surreal circumstances. But, I believe that’s the nature of life, or at least life as it seems to me.

So the next time I find myself in a dark bar at 2:26 AM, sitting with a professor and a line cook, alternately discussing the NFL, Roman civilization and Reeses peanut butter cups vs. Snickers bars, I’ll embrace it as a part of my crazy life and remember why I love it in the first place. I encourage everyone to do the same. This is me ... touching the world.

--AKIP--

10 Things that are are lame about you (ok, me)

I'm baaaccckkk! And I'm sure you missed me ... all 5 of you who actually read this. LOL Anyway, I've been sick for the past several days. And believe me, it has not been a picnic. But, spending days in a sick bed gives you plenty of time and space to think. And think I did. So here are some of the ponderings I came up with. Remember I was ill (and possibly feverish), so don't judge me too harshly.

1. The Olympics are jingoism at its finest. That being said, I love the Olympics. There is something very cool about seeing all of those forgotten sports and ignored countries.

2. I have never been in a relationship with any man who I would want to see me when I’m sick. I wonder if true love means you can tolerate someone’s hacking phlegm cough?

3. A person should never drive down the street with their windows down blasting Tevin Campbell. NEVER!!!

4. A 300+ thread count is a necessity for the infirm. No one wants to be scratched to death when they're sick.

5. Too much History International Channel is bad for morale. Or just maybe, watching six consecutive hours of programming on Stalin, Hitler, Mussolini and Tojo is a buzz kill.

6. Why do people get high on codeine? All it does is puts you to sleep. You could get Benadryl for that.

7. How long is too long to wear the same clothes? The time limit has to go up when you’re sick … right?

8. My couch is really comfortable. I’m totally over my concern that perhaps I spent too much on it.

9. Television makeup artists really need to learn to do makeup that works for high definition TV. I like Ann Curry; does she have to look like a streetwalker?

and …

10. Why do I still like Vin Diesel so much? Should I be ashamed of this?

I cannot stand ...

stupid people who don't know they're idiots. Tell me again, why do I have to work for a living? Seems unfair. And why isn't there a job listing for general smartass (hey, it's better than dumbass). My upper level sarcasm skills must be good for something.

Do you have any relationships for a woman of my intelligence?

Okay, that title is an inside joke amongst certain people in my family. But it is also a semi-serious question.


I used to believe that most things had to follow a very rigid structure - including (or especially) relationships. I thought that my way was pretty much always the right way and I just couldn't understand why nobody seemed to see it like I did. Little wonder that relationships weren't exactly my thing. Or at least romantic relationships weren't; I was and am a great person to be friends with. As time has passed, I have realized that I have to stretch my way of thinking. While I believe that a man should be able to take care of himself, I have this tendency to be pathologically unable to coddle a man. Therefore, it has taken me years to realize that nurturing a relationship (and thereby the person I'm in said relationship with) doesn't mean that I have to become a nursemaid for a grown ass man, but it does mean that I should be capable of doing things to take care of him (as I would assume he is doing for me). If it is something I'd be comfortable doing for my friends, why couldn't I do it for my boyfriend? If one of my friends told me that they were hungry, I would have absolutely no issue making a meal for them. In the past, if my man told me he was hungry I would be hard pressed to do more than show him to the sandwich fixings. And that's just not right. So I am trying, as an intelligent woman, to stop making knee jerk reactions based on my years of "damnit, be a man and take care of your own self" posturing. Man ... growth is hard. *smile*


On a completely different (okay, somewhat different) note, I'm at my favorite point in the aftermath of a relationship (yes, I have a favorite breakup part). I love it when you get past the initial pain and hurt, through the inevitable disappointment and doubt, to the point where you can admit all the things that were wrong with the relationship and your ex. I don't mean that moment that you're still super pissed, when you will detail all of his (glaringly obvious) flaws, foibles, mistakes and just plain f*ck ups, to whomever is suckered, under the guise of support and friendship, into having to listen to it. I mean the the moment where you can calmly reason with and admit to yourself the little things that drove you completely nuts and all of the secret reasons you felt y'all might have had problems down the road. With me, it's that time when I acknowledge all of the small things that I swept under the rug and the huge elephants in the room that I worked my hardest attempting to render invisible. In my latest instance, some of those things are the inate cheapness he had (when he wasn't trying to impress people, at least), his relationship history (I tried not to judge, but some things are just crazy), and his tendency to call me annoying pet names (I'm sorry, I just think "wifey" is stupid). But maybe the biggest thing of all (this is mine and I'll own up to it) was my feelings (minor, but still present) for someone else. No matter if he (the now-ex) was perfect, it would have been difficult for me to be completely "in" the relationship when there was a part of me that was still working out my emotions for someone else. Not that it was actually an option, I was just thinking about it. Anyway, I guess I should be glad that the relationship did end and that I escaped it relatively unscathed. (Although, I should probably be worried that I think of ending a relationship as escaping.) Now I know in my heart that it wasn't truly the right relationship for me, but the expediency of it made it difficult to see that at the time. So, I will just take my time and lick my wounds and then maybe climb my ass back on the crazy ride that is dating. And maybe next time I won't have to actually experience my preferred breakup moment again, because it might be my favorite part, but I could do without it too.


But back to my original question, are there any relationships out there for me that will not consistently make me feel like an idiot or a b*tch? That connection must exist for me, right? Or am I that screwed up? I'll just keep thinking positive, after all it's got me this far. *groan*

What I needed

I have a male friend who, to put it nicely, is a screw-up. Not with me specifically, but just at life in general. Sometimes wonder why I still bother with him, as he pretty much has the maturity of a high school freshman. But, last night as I was having a low moment while drinking at his bar, I told him that I needed to hear something nice about myself. Without batting an eye, he looks at me and says (sincerely) "You are SO beautiful". Then he kissed me on the cheek. It was a really good and pure moment. And I realized, that is why I keep him.

... Plus he pours a damn good drink.

Happy Happy, Joy Joy

I always tell people to make a list of the reasons they are unhappy or unsatisfied and work at fixing those. But I realized that I have never done the opposite, just detail the various little things that make me smile and try to have those as much as possible. So here we go, a list of things that make me unabashedly happy (and slightly embarrassed).

• The perfect meal - Steak (New York Strip, medium), potatoes (blue cheese or garlic mashed), asparagus (lightly cooked, I like the snap) and drink (single barrel bourbon - Blantons or Hirsch).
• "Bad" action movies (preferably martial arts, although I do enjoy shoot-em-ups and spy suspense).
• Staring out at the ocean, letting the sound and the smell of the water take me to my harmonious spot (and having nowhere else to be).
• A really good professional massage (deep tissue or hot stone).
• The complete peace of being out of contact with the world for a few days.
• The relative "peace" of holidays with my family.
• An excellent night of dancing (great music, cheap drinks, fantastic friends, no annoying busters).
• Hanging out with my ladies, drinking wine and listening to music.
• The Aston Martin DB9
• Sunset at my grandparents' farm (I haven't done that in years).
• Sunday mornings in bed , not by myself ;-)
• Competitive reality TV shows, that involve actual skill (Project Runway, So You Think You Can Dance, Iron Chef America, etc.).
• My mom's carrot cake.
• My grandmother's blackberry cobbler.
• Planning extensive vacations and quick trips (that I may or may not take).
• Knowing the answers (or rather, questions) on Jeopardy.
• The multitudes of joy I get from my family (making my mom laugh, the grudging praise from my brother when I beat a video game, Aria's excited greetings, Jauna's expression and tone when speaking to morons, Joia's endless generosity of spirit (and gifts), Amanda's need to believe well of everyone's intentions, etc.).

And there are many more, but just making that list was enough to brighten up my day. I can only hope that I make someone's list in this fashion. If not, I'll get to it one day. Much Love All.

mental meandering

I started this a while back and never finshed, but I thought it was close enough to complete to just go ahead and post it.

There are some things that I will never understand. Look, I believe that I’m an intelligent person (I’m pretty sure you’ve guessed that about me already), but some things are just totally flying past me. Like, I don’t get why some people are always blindsided by the obvious. It’s not like there aren’t pretty blatant signs when something isn’t right. If someone has behaved a certain way for the entirety of your relationship, how in hades can you be surprised every time they do it? Why are you shocked that they keep saying or doing crazy sh*t, when they’ve been that way since day one? Acknowledge the elephant in the room and just be okay with whatever your version of normal is. I’m not telling you to settle for poor behavior, I’m telling you that if you like it and/or continuously accept it, they have no reason to stop doing it.

I will also never understand the complete nature of male / female friendships. And I have quite a few male friends. No matter what, there is always some interesting pathology there that I seem to be missing. I know the nature of the beast is different, but I have always been willing to accept way more crap from my male friends than I would from a boyfriend and my complaints about the two would be very similar. There is just some strange dichotomy that I am unable to completely explain. Now, maybe it boils down to a physical attraction / sexuality issue that, no matter how small it may be, skews the male / female dealings. Or maybe I’m just a hard woman to be friends with. LOL

I’m not saying that you should be a cynic. Contrary to popular belief I’m an optimist – A skeptical optimist, but still… I’m just saying, do you. And then, to quote Cool Breeze, watch for the hook.