on the finite nature of life

Had some thoughts on mortality that i couldn't get expressed. So here it is, stated more eloquently than I can.

WHEN YOU ARE OLD
When you are old and gray and full of sleep,
And nodding by the fire, take down this book,
And slowly read, and dream of the soft look
Your eyes had once, and of their shadows deep;

How many loved your moments of glad grace,
And loved your beauty with love false or true,
But one man loved the pilgrim soul in you,
And loved the sorrows of your changing face;

And bending down beside the glowing bars,
Murmur, a little sadly, how Love fled
And paced upon the mountains overhead
And hid his face amid a crowd of stars.

—William Butler Yeats


LENGTH OF MOON
Then the golden hour
Will tick its last
And the flame will go down in the flower.
A briefer length of moon
Will mark the sea-line and the yellow dune.
Then we may think of this, yet
There will be something forgotten
And something we should forget.
It will be like all things we know.
A stone will fail; a rose is sure to go.
It will be quiet then and we may stay
Long at the picket gate
But there will be less to say.

—Arna Bontemps

Wow ... um thanks?!

I got together last night with a guy I had been talking to for a couple of weeks. He’s seemed to be a good guy so far, besides a base level vagueness that I associate with the Y chromosome, but last night he committed a super dating faux paux. He is an appallingly bad kisser. Truly, it was awful. There was entirely too much of his tongue attempting to make its way down my throat. And here’s a newsflash man, if I’m pulling my head all the way back, I am not attempting to be coy. I’m just NOT enjoying this. Take notice genius! As I’m sitting through this assault upon my oral cavity, and trying to make subtle adjustments so as not to hurt his feelings or gag myself, he’s just steadily plugging with this stabbing, sliding motion. All I could think was “How soon until I can get the hell out of here” and “I wonder if he’ll notice if I never talk to him again”. Sad to say, but his oscular abilities (or complete lack thereof) made me lose any interest I may have had in him. So as I ponder the quickest and easiest way to be done with him, let me deliver a public service to men and give you a list of dating don’ts. Hey, this should at least keep you in the game until you get to the kissing part. After that, you’re on your own.

· Never ask me why I’m single. – It’s just a ridiculous (and insulting) question. What am I supposed to say to that? “Because I’m a conniving, vindictive, controlling harpy”. “Because I hate people, you included”. “Because I didn’t realize there was another option”. “Because I really like going without sex for months on end”. Really, there is no good answer here. I know you mean it as a compliment, but really just say “I can’t believe you’re still single”. It comes out so much better that way.

· Don’t tell me what I “should” eat / drink / smoke, etc. – I know that you have favorites, we all do. But, there is no reason for you to try to foist them off on me like some kind of crazed zealot. I’m sure that you’ve had some experiences that you’d like to share, but I’m a grown ass woman. I don’t need to hear “you should have ordered the spinach” or “Get the blended whisky, it’s better” from you. I am intelligent (and opinionated) enough to have my own preferences. I’m open to your suggestions, but please try not to phrase it as an order or some inherently logical statement that I just don’t understand.

· Stay away from sensitive areas of conversation, especially early on. – Don’t ask me how many sexual partners I’ve had. You will not like the answer, whether I lie or not. Don’t tell me how much of a bitch/ slut/ tramp your ex is. You will look like a total douche no matter what the woman may have actually done. Don’t tell me about the risqué or kinky sex you’ve participated in. Even if I’m into that, I don’t want to hear about it the first time we meet for drinks.

· Don’t insult my intelligence. – There is a pact we strike by agreeing to this courtship ritual. I agree that I find you at least somewhat attractive and bright. You agree to at least pretend that you believe the same about me. You may have asked me out because of how I looked in a low-cut shirt, but at least act like you suppose I can form complete sentences and thoughts. If you can’t do that, then obviously I was the one who was wrong in our agreement.

· Try (harder) not to stare at women. – I mean all women. Don’t gawk at the waitress, even if she’s got supermodel legs barely covered by her miniskirt. Don’t ogle your boy’s date and wonder if she has a no friends policy. Don’t spend the whole evening staring down my shirt (or at least try to be discreet). Look, we as women definitely put work into garnering visual notice, but no one wants to be viewed like the last steak in the meat market (or at least no one I know). Appreciate, but don’t gape.

· Don’t ask if you can touch me. – I know it’s non PC, but I don’t want you to check if it’s okay to kiss me or rub my back. You instantly lose my respect and you shift all of the control over to me. Just give it a try if you think it’s the right time. Believe me, you’ll know quickly if you’re right or not.

Well that’s all. I hope you’ve learned something here. Though I never claimed to be an educator, I do try and help my folks. Let me know if I left something out. Oh, and do not attempt to perform surgery on my trachea by way of a kiss. Sometimes less truly is more!

--AKIP--

Homecoming

I am laying here in my bed, in my house! It's kind of a surreal moment, because in some ways I never thought I'd be back in this house. Katrina may have taken most of my possesions, but I'm back here in my home and it's wonderful. I also need to say that I absolutely adore my family. I could not have survived the past almost 3 years without their love, support ... and lodging. But it feels amazing to not have to live on them anymore, and to be back in my spot. I would love to have something deep and pithy to say, but I've been moving all day. My brain is just as tired as my body.
Final thought - Life is good!

Will they reminisce over you?

So I realized today that there is nothing, or should I say nobody, for me in the past. Truly, I have known some amazing men (and a few not so wonderful) but whatever their high points may have been, there is no need for me to go back there. I, like many people, have the habit of wondering "what if". But the thing about that is, why have I spent so much time on what might have been, instead of what could be? So, here today I need to make a pledge to myself to give up attempting to shop in my past and start trying to invest in my future.

And it's not just me either. I know some people who do the same thing, and who need to avow to their willingness to move on. Don't worry I'm not going to call you out. These wonderful people cannot get their own pasts the heck out of the way to see the future. I know how much easier said than done that is, but the past exists there for a reason, to be where we learn from. The example of what hasn't worked is supposed to serve us to not make the same mistakes repeatedly.

For all of us I say, know your own worth, believe in the person that you have become and don't set yourself up for grief. Remember that you are a good person and that you do deserve great things. Also keep in mind that sometimes it is your fault, that you can screw up and learn how to dust off your pride and apologize, honestly.

I said all of that to come back around to, maybe there is a person in my past who was right for me ... then. But I'm not that same person and I doubt that they are either. So casting about in my yesteryear to find that person who could've been the one is absurd. I should leave my memories where they are and look around in my real world.

There's no guarantee that what I want is out here either, but that's what hope is about. And that's why I call it the upswing. Hey you can only go so far down, before you have to bounce way back up.

Thanks for the Love,
AKIP

Peace

I think there is nothing better for your soul than the ocean. And if the sun is setting, so much the better.

Bandwagon

I was about to go an a rant about people who become "fans" of a team only after they start winning, but it occurs to me that it's not really relevant today.

I will say, way to go Hornets. It was a great season, and I was glad to be a fan. Never lose the joy of the game! And for the love of God, George Shinn, do not let Chris Paul get away. He's a class act on top of being an amazing ballplayer.

Introspection

I'm always trying to make things happen that don't work out quite as I had intended. But I find that my ability to deal with that and keep moving or to roll with the punches, is one of the things I like best about myself. Sure, planning is great (and necessary) but not falling apart when the plan has to totally change on the fly, is a beautiful thing.

Or, at least that's how I see it.

Creation

Trying to come up with a name for this blog was challenging. Or I should say, trying to come up with a name and an identity that was not over-simplistic, trite, or just sad, was hard. What I finally settled on, may be all of those things, but then again, so might I. So here goes, we'll see how the wind blows on this one.

--AKIP--