Now we're cooking with gas (and cash)

I told a friend that I would make him a paella dinner. I'm excited about it because I've only made paella once (and that was the easy non-authentic version) and I love to work on new recipes. Plus, I just got a new paella pan that I'm anxious to use. However, I just realized how labor intensive and pricey this meal could get, especially making the all seafood version I'm planning. Oh well, que sera sera. It'll be a great meal and a fun night I'm sure. I'm all about the memories. LOL

Do you like the things that life is showing you

I had a date last night. It was … perfectly adequate. Yes, I am aware of exactly how bland that sounds. It was pretty dry. We met for drinks and talked for a couple of hours. I have to say, I had dated this man previously, and to be honest, I was only sorta into him before. I enjoyed his company and loved the way he flattered me, but for me the chemistry was never really there. I had realized months ago that he probably wasn’t ever really going to be what I wanted in a relationship. But, it had been awhile since I’d been out with a man and I craved the date experience, so I gave him a shot. And (surprise, surprise) it was still mediocre.

So now I wonder, am I wrong to occasionally still date this man because I like to be taken out? He doesn’t seem to mind, but I’ve never said to him that it’s not going any further than this. Also, am I wasting time that I should be spending doing something else? And if so, what?

(Sigh)

On a lighter note

I just saw a picture of Buenos Aires that was absolutely gorgeous. I am so looking forward to this trip. I know it's time to get cracking on the planning. So, I'm putting together a rough itinerary. Argentina, Fall 2009. Yay!!

Once upon a time

As it happens, several years I was in love with someone (this is not to say that I haven't been in love since then, but I'll admit it hasn't happened frequently). I was so in love with this man that I was convinced that he was "the one", the love of my life. I just knew that, if only fortune would smile upon me, we would spend the rest of our lives together. The problem was (and you know there had to be a problem) he didn't feel the same. He loved me, but he wasn't in love with me ... and it showed. I managed to avoid the truth and shake off the reality of our relationship for a long time. Finally (and I mean after a few years) I forced myself to confront the blatant verity of what was happening with us and I didn't like what I saw. Not only was he never going to love me the way I loved him, I didn't like the person that I was while waiting for him. I wanted to slap myself awake and stop acting like a pathetic little girl craving love. So, I ended it and have never spoken to him again. [Wow, that come out a lot harsher than I meant it to. Actually it was positive and life affirming, not pissy or hostile, like I made it sound.]

Since that time I have had a really difficult time lying to myself. If I even I attempt to fool myself into thinking that situations are different than they actually are, it doesn't work. I am (sometimes brutally) honest with myself and I don't know how to be otherwise. I think it's more than a byproduct of this one relationship, it was the culmination of a lifetime of misleading and hurtful occurrences. That's not supposed to sound horrible, it's not a movie of the week. My childhood was decent, all things considered. But there was enough deception and subterfuge that as an adult I choose not to live that way and to be as forthcoming as possible, especially with myself. And most of the time, I am happy with how that goes for me. But, some days I wish that I had the gift of denial or artifice so that I could be happy with things (and people) that aren't right for me. That way when I lament my solitude, I could have all sorts of excuses on which to blame it.

But the plain truth of the matter is, I am aware of a lot of reasons that I am single. I know what I could do to change that, and once again my on-the-level nature prevents me from pretending that it's all someone else's fault. My candor forces me to admit that I just don't want to make those changes. I'm either too lazy, too scared or too set in my ways to bother. And that's a shame. I have an awful lot of love to give and I believe that I have a lot to offer the right man. But, I guess I don't really believe that I will find him, because I haven't done a whole helluva lot to get myself together like that. And that just, is what it is.

There's no George Clooney

For the past few days I've been in the middle of the perfect storm of introspection and insecurity. I've been questioning past and present relationships. And i have figured out absolutely nothing.

I wish I wasn't so honest with myself. Having the ability to be in denial would be a real gift right now.

Five Thoughts on last night

1. I really should just erase the fireman's number. I'd have less to be pissed at myself about.
2. Free champagne always tastes pretty good, no matter how crummy the vintage may be.
3. I never realized how many common interests I shared with Russ. That's cool.
4. I'm not sure how I got dip on the back of my pants leg. How do I do this stuff?
5. My front porch is pretty sweet!

Nuevo

I know it's been a while since I wrote anything substantial. And that's a big part of my problem. I always think I have to really write something to post it, and I get bogged down in the length or depth of the entry. So I think I'm going to stop making this so difficult and just start writing whatever I'm thinking about, be it small or monumental. And thus, I'm turning over a new leaf and committing to myself to write at least 10 posts a month. We'll see if I can manage this better than any of my other resolutions. LOL