I'm finally realizing that real truth in your life completely contradicts your ability to be cool. Telling people you care about how you actually feel lays waste to any aloof affect. People (especially strangers) have often remarked on my persona. And I had begun to believe my own hype. But at the ripe old age of 36 (in two-and-a-half weeks) I'm admitting to myself that the act of laying myself bare is more important than whatever standoffish aura I have cultivated to make me appear "better" to others.
Whatever coolness I have ever had was created to mask my soft underbelly. I feel things as much as anyone else, but I long ago adopted the mantra of "never let 'em see you sweat". But I took it too seriously and applied that same motto to the important people in my life. I have long found it difficult to be completely truthful with them. Not that I lie, I just keep the deepest, most heartfelt and difficult things to say to myself. There are so many things I've never said so that I don't seem sentimental, or weak, or ... human, really. So lately I've been trying to get it all out. I know that it's like prying open clams, but I'm working on it.
One of the things that I've always liked most about myself is that I know me well and don't live in denial. I own all of my crazy and will admit it, if asked. But the self-honesty has pretty much ended with me. I am the person who always tries to tell my friends the truth about themselves and their decisions. So my inability to extend that principle to my own foolishness has to be alleviated. To be honest I won't be just sharing willy-nilly. But I am striving to be more transparent with those who matter, even if it's really challenging or awkward.
Hey, every day is another notch. I am attempting to be a better person all the time. Baby steps ...
