Fever, Fervor, Favor

So what does that title mean, apart from the fact that I love (multi syllabic) alliteration? Well, tonight it just means that I'm exploring my lack of fire. Someone told me recently that I had to find a man that I could be truly be passionate about, if I'm ever expecting to have a great relationship. Or at least I think that's what was said. I tend to translate things in my mind and then paraphrase as best as I can. Anyway, this person said that I need someone who I really spark with, instead of someone I just sort of get along with. I said to myself, that's not so hard. But then I thought back and I wondered if I have ever done that. And I don't know if I have. I mean, at the time I may have thought so about a couple of people, but looking back, that wasn't really the case. It's a little pathetic. How is it possible that in 32 years, I have never felt that burning intensity for someone? I find that I usually miss the relationship when it's over a lot more than the person. I mean don't get me wrong, I have genuinely liked and cared for everyone I've ever been involved with, and a couple of times I have even fallen in love. But felt truly passionate about someone? Passionate enough to survive through the rocky times? Sufficiently ardent to even debate tolerating any breaking of my steadfast rules? No, never. And that feels crazy to me. Once again, it's something I'm doing not quite right. One day I will get the hang of this stuff. I hope I still have all my original parts then.

Anyway, If someone can tell me how I'm supposed to find this perfectly passionate partner (more alliteration) please holla at ya girl.

80s Child

Here's a fun image that I came up with a few years back. I also have a 70s child and I'm working on a 90s version. Anyway, there are over 40 images there. One dollar to the first person who can name them all. Have fun!

Hot fun in the summertime

I love my girls. Ignore the unsafe driving. LOL

What I Want

Wanna Be Loved by Jill Scott - from The Real Thing
Don't feel no pity for me
Cause I'm going through a couple things,
Life means change,
That's the way it goes
All my life I had a constant burning
A strong deep, desire
An aching ambiguous, yearning,
For something better
For something bigger
For something wider
For something higher
And lots of regrets
Cause I ain't seem to found it yet
I've been searching around the world
Never knowing what to expect
I get sad sometimes
Yes I be mad sometimes
Cause I'm out here on the grind
Making mine
And I still can't seem to find
What I've been looking for
Opened so many doors
For real, yo
I just wanna be loved...

I just wanna be loved
Like everybody else does
I just wanna be loved
I just wanna be loved

I just wanna be loved
Like everybody else does
I just wanna be loved
I just wanna be loved

Sometimes it's so hard
You know, what I'm talking 'bout
What I'm talking 'bout
What I'm talking about


That's all. No discussion here, just lyrics. Jill is a wordsmith, speaking truth. I assume you can get to the point without me.

stop looking back ... pay attention to the road

A couple of months ago I wrote about not living in the past and about how there weren't any relationships in my past that I am (or should be) holding on to. But, I have to admit that I was lying (don't be too mad at me, I was lying to myself too). There is one man in my past who has an open door, who I would get together with anytime it was feasible. It's crazy, but this man could have the best of me for free, and it doesn't even hurt me to say that. I guess I think of him as the one who got away.

Don't get me wrong here, I'm not saying this person is the perfect dream man, but he is the first man I ever truly fell in love with as an adult woman. And, more fool me, I never told him that, in the months that we were together. Then, the ultimate kicker is, we didn't actually break up; our relationship just faded away after our Katrina forced relocations.

Anyway, this last evacuation put this man back on my radar screen. I haven't talked to him for literally 2 years and all of a sudden, here we are communicating through messages (text & voice). He says he's going to call and I live with the phone attached to me, anxiously waiting for his call like a 6th grader with a crush on the cute boy in spanish class. I listen to the voicemail he left me several times, trying to parse out some clue as to his intentions. It's sad, and I feel embarassed to be a part of it at all. But, just the sound of this man's voice makes me feel alive.

Maybe everything would be different if we'd had a definitive ending. I'm not sure. All I know is I'm still wanting my chance with this man, but sometimes life just isn't fair. I guess we'll just have to wait and see. As far as I can tell, love pretty much sets you up for a gut punch.

AKIP

my 2 cents (and weaknesses)

So, during my forced exile here in north Louisiana I went to see a couple of movies, both of which I had been very excited about. On consecutive days I went to see Babylon A.D. and Death Race. Now, you have to understand I wasn't excited about these movies because I thought they would be good films. I was simply thrilled about the prospect of what I knew would happen in these movies. Or, as I summed up the movies beforehand, "Filled with random violence and explosions and Vin Diesel / Jason Statham will be hot". Yes, I am a total action junkie and if you cast one of the men I find sexy, I'm pretty much there.


So I went to see both movies and highly enjoyed them. If you want my opinion they're both kinda ludicrous, but Babylon AD is maybe 80 minutes long and tries hard to say something before running out of steam and wrapping up shoddily and Death Race has a slightly more pulled together story, but features Tyrese Gibson (who is generally a mood killer for me). It wasn't until I left the movies the second night that I started to really think about my fixation. There are a lot of men who I find attractive, but these two men are maybe my top 2, as illustrated by the fact that I will see them in any piece of crap movie they foist off on the public. Now, it is true that I love so called "bad movies", but some are truly bad. I mean have you seen "A Man Apart"? I have ... (more than once) and it's horrible. So, as I'm pondering this, I'm re-running my favorite scenes from both movies (and from these 2 "star's" previous efforts) and I realize something. I get off on the fighting and sweat and attitude. Basically, there is something about these two balding, short, over-muscled, but totally desirable (to me) men being violent that completely does it for me. Is there something wrong with that? Oh well, it is what it is. LOL


At least it's just a fantasy, not what I'm wanting in real life ... right?

Dios mio!

Help me!

LOL

No Me Gustav

I am sitting here in Grambling, Louisiana at my mother's house. I do not care for this town, mostly for reasons that have nothing to do with the town itself, but instead the fact that I can only exist outside of an urban environment for a few days without losing my mind. I did my two years of high school here like it was hard labor, and could not get out of here fast enough. So here I am, toiling in the drudgery and trying to mentally stay above water. I hate this crap!

I think I'm most pissed to be sitting here because of this hurricane evacuation. I can't believe the anxiety this sense of deja vu has given me. I hate that I have to leave the home that I just got comfortable in and just hope that everything will be okay. I had the same thing with Katrina, except I believed it was no big deal then. So now, even though I'm hearing that my world should be fine when we're allowed back into New Orleans later this week, I'm still uneasy. I guess that I'm just starting to realize that this is going to be a way of life from now on. And I don't know how comfortable I am with that.

I know that some people will read this (or not) and say that I should leave New Orleans. And a part of me has debated that on a lot of levels. It would indeed be calmer to live in a place that I don't have to keep packing up my life and running away from inclement weather. Because, although every place has it's own challenges, a city not far from the rapidly eroding coast, that lies mostly under sea level and is literally and figuratively swamped with water, is probably never going to be a great bet for stability. But, the plain fact of the matter is, New Orleans is home. And I say that as a person with an actual home town that I love (Houston is a good look). But from the first moment I arrived in New Orleans I felt embraced by it, fed on it's energy and marveled at new experiences. And don't even get me started on the food and the people. And I just believe that the world just isn't so full of love that we should turn our back on some.

So, it seems that for as long as I can be, I will be a New Orleanian. Maybe the day will come that it will get washed into the sea like a modern day Atlantis, but I hope not. Until then I will pack up and leave when I have to. I've learned some things and I will never evacuate again without 2 months worth of clothes, all my photos and some key personal objects. But after the storm passes, I'll be back to the city and the culture that I just seem to let go of. And I'll thank you doubters to let me be. I love what I love.

--AKIP--