Peace in the Balkans

All right people, I’m back. You would think after this long break that I’d be back and in peak condition. But, I’m not sure; I’m still feeling off my game. Well, hang in with me and I guess we’ll see together.


After having some pseudo-deep (and on some occasions, drunken) conversations in the last few months, I have come to realize that most people have the same issues. Well, not actually the same issues, just issues stemming from the same source. I think it’s all about boundaries. Most of the complaints that I hear about relationships are in effect, disagreements about boundaries. They’re questions of “What’s allowed within the confines of a relationship” and “Where do I draw the line”. The thing is, boundaries are completely personal. It’s not like all of the valid areas have been blocked off with crime scene tape. The environs of what’s right for you, rest completely within you.

That being said, how can we possibly get advice on (or even talk out) problems if our parameters are not exactly the same as the person we’re talking to? No one else can decide for you whether your borders have been breached. So continuing to cast about in the world looking for someone to give you the answer you want is pointless. For that matter, someone being completely honest with you is fruitless too, as it’s that person’s version of honesty and rules.

The fairest advice a friend can give you is based on comparing what your current reaction is to what a past reaction to the same stimulus would have been. But, the thing is, boundaries are like the penal code – They should be the same for everybody you deal with, but we all know that they’re not. We’d like to believe that we would hold everyone to the same standards, but it’s all too easy to begin judging people on a sort of emotional sliding scale. How you feel about someone is directly proportionate to how you judge them and their transgressions of our lines. And when we really get wrapped up in someone, we’ll altogether relocate our boundaries so that their behavior somehow fits in.

So all I can suggest to somewhat alleviate these boundary wars is to talk to your partner and be really honest with yourself. The two of you work out the areas of your combined borders. And take this seriously – you have to work on this like the United Nations pounding out a treaty on human rights. Realize that once again, as in so much of life, it’s a compromise. You have to be willing to work out the things that are and aren’t acceptable to you both and then actually live with those things and each other. If you don’t do that, you can still survive, you just can’t prosper. Your relationship will be like so much contested land in the Balkans … under constant warfare.


Note: to the people who will inevitably think this post is about them … it is. But it’s also about several other people who struggle with the same things (including myself when I’m actually in a relationship). Don’t take my thoughts as a personal message to only you, it’s a missive to the world. (Yeah, I know. Ambitious much?)

Exhaustion

It's been a little while since I wrote anything, although not nearly as long as I have gone in the past. And truthfully there are some things that I've been turning over in my mind that I could try to reason out here. But the problem is, I am just so tired. Mentally, emotionally and physically I am just about tapped out. I feel like I need a change, preferably a large one. And usually that's when I do something crazy, but right now I don't think I have the energy to even act up. Oh well, here's hoping that I can get to feeling right soon. I'm glad that the holidays are approaching so rapidly. I crave the inpouring of verve that being with my family provides.

Until then, I'll try to get something written, but don't be too surprised if there's no product to come. Love y'all anyway.

--AKIP--

Being a better person ... and all that crap

I lack the killer instinct that once I had. Or I am just unable to be really ugly to people when I’m sober. Let me explain. A few years ago, if pissed off I had the ability to make a grown man completely enraged (occasionally with hot, angry tears), just by talking. I was (usually) able to do this without profanity, raised voices, or resorting to cracks about his equipment. I found that when is someone is pissed with you and all you do is respond calmly, disinterestedly, and somewhat condescendingly, they tended to get more heated. If I then left the conversation with a look of scornful derision, that was hitting the bullseye. Don’t misunderstand, I was very aware that this method was hostile and somewhat emasculating, but it was effective and I reveled in their upset. That was in the bad old days, when I was living the Sith lifestyle. So now, the reformed me handles disagreements more maturely and in a way that is more secure for everyone’s mental health. But the problem is, now I have no ability to be cutthroat, even when I should.

For example, I had an ex who basically disappeared from my life on my birthday and then maintained radio silence to the point of invisible man status. Then, randomly, a couple of months later he called out of the blue and just started small talking like we would be cool. Old school me would have cut him to the quick … with a quickness. But this new me was so stunned by his unmitigated gall that I was lured into a few brief conversations with a promise of an explanation for his disappearing act. Finally a few days later I informed him (in no uncertain terms) that I no longer wished to hear from him. My exact words were “Don’t text me. Don’t call me. Leave me the hell alone”. And I felt bad afterward, as if I had said or done something cruel to him. I sometimes wish I hadn’t filed off quite so many rough edges, when trying to become a well-rounded person. Some of those sharp edges were helpful.

These days, my method of being done with a man is to gradually phase his presence out of my life and hope that he gets the message. I have always abhorred people whose break-up tactic was to simply fade away. It always seemed like the coward’s way out. I’ve repeatedly advised others to just inform the person that you’re done with them and aren’t going to change your mind (and then stick to that). So this ceasing communication technique is not something I’m super proud of. But it allows me to not directly hurt someone, or at least that’s what I tell myself. And I’m so inured to the practice, that I can’t seem to do otherwise, even when the more vindictive parts of me say that the man earned some rancorous behavior. It drives me crazy!

Maturity is a bitch sometimes!

Election Day - HOPE!!

This morning I stood in line for 2 hours to vote. Two whole hours! Plus, I arrived at my polling place at 6 am. 6 AM! If you knew the depths of my impatience and my general disdain for getting up early in the morning for anything, you would understand how major this is. I stood in queue for an interminable length at that god-awful time of morning so that I could be a part of something I believe in, voting in general and voting in this election specifically. And the most amazing thing that happened after all of this is that I went in the booth and cast my ballot for a black man. An African American is actually a viable option in this election for President of the United States. This whole year, that fact has never ceased amazing me. I actually voted very quickly, meaning I didn’t stay in the booth and marvel over the groundbreaking nature of what I had done. Partially because there was a long line and I was trying to be courteous, but mostly because I have been so awed by the events of this year, that I have already pondered the historical merits ad nauseum. I am at first, overwhelmed by a sense of incredulity and then want to leap with a feeling of exuberance and finally the fear kicks in. Fear, that no matter what the polls would lead you to believe, this race will not have the ending we want. I sincerely hope this is not true. I hope that Barack Obama will be the next president of the United States and I hope that he does the incredible job at it that we, his supporters, believe he will do. And isn’t that hope the whole point?

Give Credit Where Credit Is Due, or Get Right

I recently picked up Twenty Five, the latest Greatest Hits CD from George Michael. Last night I was listening to it in my car and it’s pretty funny to me that almost 25 years after I first heard it, I still love “Everything She Wants”. I mean, yeah “Careless Whisper” is always great and “Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go” is still an infectious piece of pop, but “Everything She Wants” was my favorite Wham song then and it still is now. I think that most people don’t pay that song enough attention. It’s really good, and be honest, singing along with Andrew Ridgley’s aaah aaah aaahs is fun. So in the spirit of “Everything She Wants”, here’s a salute to some unappreciated gems.


· Chazz Palminteri – This man is a great actor. Why doesn’t he get work like DeNiro or Pacino? Although these days, none of them seem to be getting anything stellar. I know he did those cheesy Vanilla Coke commercials, but he is a really fine actor. I mean, have you seen The Usual Suspects? Bullets Over Broadway? Or my favorite, A Bronx Tale? That is one of my favorite movies and he is the main reason why. Did you know that he adapted that movie? From his own play? That he performs as a one-man piece? Based on his own life? That is impressive to me. I think this man is highly underrated and that’s a shame.
· Basic cable – I pay for pretty much every cable channel, but with the slumping economy that may have to change soon. So it’s nice to know that there is so much to watch on the non-premium channels. It’s funny; I watch those channels so much more than the movie channels I pay extra for. Some of my favorite programs are on “basic” cable. There is nothing on Showtime or HBO that I enjoy more than Project Runway (Bravo), House Hunters (HGTV), Iron Chef America (Food Network), Clean House (Style Network), What Not to Wear (TLC), City Confidential (BIO) and pretty much anything on History International. That’s not to mention all of the other home, cooking, makeover, history, travel and other shows I watch. I also love that these shows run at all times of the day and night, so I can almost always find something. Long live cheap cable programming!
· Greeting Cards & Letters – In the increasingly digital world we live in, people greatly underestimate the power of actual written sentiment. Yes email is the quickest and easiest way for a lot of people to communicate and e-cards are awfully cute. But for me (and I suspect I’m not alone) it means so much more to receive a tangible expression of their feelings. And whether that comes in the form of a letter or a note written in a card, I am a fan of the art. It just makes things more personal and people appreciate the extra effort. In fact, I have one friend (no I won’t call you out, but you know who you are. LOL) who gets sad if I give her a gift without a card or a card without a personal note.
· Romance Novels – I am so tired of people looking down on romance novels and judging reading materials as if they are the literature Gestapo. It’s like they forget that many of the books considered classics now, were pretty much popular romance novels in their time (like the entire works of Jane Austen). My mother always told me that you can learn something anywhere and I agree. I can’t tell you how much reading love stories increased my vocabulary when I first started reading them in the 3rd grade. As most people in my circle could tell you, I’m a veritable word nerd (see the post on my favorite words) and I do believe that I picked my love of the turn of a phrase, at least partially, from the romance books I read. So I say, judge not, lest you be judged. And let people read whatever they like, without your scorn and derision. As long as they are reading, that’s the important thing to me.

Anyway, that’s my list. I could come up with a lot more of these if I had longer, but I wanted to get this posted at some point soon. So, those are a few things that I think are criminally underrated. Why don’t you comment and tell me what things you think are in need of a greater appreciation?

Like the corners of my mind

I am feeling nostalgic today. I’m just sitting here pondering some of my favorite memories and realizing that no matter how I may feel from day-to-day, I’ve had a really good life. With that I decided to make a list of some of the most special moments and people. I must be in a list-making mood, because here’s yet another one.

5 things I really miss

1. My grandparents – Specifically my maternal grandparents, because my Dad’s father passed before I was born and his mom passed when I was pretty young. My grandparents Nanny & Granddaddy (or Pelo & RD) had a big farm in north Louisiana where we used to spend summers , and even as the urban kid that I was, I loved going there. We kids would take nature walks and put on productions in the living room and my grandparents would play along with all of it. As we got older, the time spent up there became less frequent and as the grandparents got older, our relationships changed. But even with that, they were still amazing people. Granddaddy taught me how to play poker, told really cool (if sometimes overly detailed) army stories, made the perfect root beer float (and knew the best place to buy strawberry shakes), called us all scallywags and started me on my love of a vast array of music by sharing his eclectic and extensive record collection. Nanny had these great old country sayings (that were strangely wise), made the world's best blackberry cobbler, fished incessantly (except on Sunday), let a whole herd of she-thugs play in her hair and paint her nails and drove everyone crazy with her supposed “compliments”. I’m not saying they were perfect, but to me, they were the best grandparents a kid could have.

2. My old car – When Joia bought her Range Rover she gave me her old car. Being a Mercedes Benz SL500 roadster, this was far from the usual hand me down vehicle. Although it was 8 years old when I got it, it was still the best car I could have imagined at the time. I used to speed around in that car, with the top down, and living in that moment like I was Michael Knight and the Mercedes was KITT. I got so much attention in that car, most good, but some bad. Then there were the inevitable testosterone filled males who tried to race me. For the most part I ignored them, but every once in awhile, I would pull off on one just to prove my own point. I mean seriously, do not try to race me if your ride is a Pontiac Grand Am; it’s just pitiful. And there were a few other drawbacks to the car: It only had 2 seats and fit and a minimum of stuff, I got pulled over by the police quite a bit more than I did in my Honda, repairs, parts, and maintenance were outrageously expensive, and there was definitely a type of person the car attracted that I could do without. But I absolutely loved that car and when I was forced to sell it (because it was dying and I couldn’t even begin to afford the repairs), I was sad. Oh well, life is change.

3. The Gallant Knight – Ah, the club of my early 20s. I have such great memories of this place. When Amanda and I started going there in the mid 90s, it had probably already been there 25 years or so. Let’s be honest, it was pretty much a hole in the wall. It was a converted house with no dance floor and always way too packed. But that was part of the charm. The band was always fun, jamming classic soul and funk tunes. And you would end up dancing just inches from some group of people you didn’t know. Over the years, I met all kind of people there, including several really cute guys of all flavors and even one woman who kissed me. (Not my thing, but it was a good kiss). I think one of the best things about that club is how we were always treated there. Pretty much from the beginning, they treated us like family. We never paid to get in, they remembered what we drank, the band would play certain songs for us, and there just was very much a Cheers “Everybody knows your name” vibe I enjoyed there. And it never seemed to matter how long it had been since our last visit, we were always welcomed back in warmly. I think everyone should have that experience, and as much as I’ve been a regular at a few spots since Gallant Knight, I’ve never enjoyed anyplace more.

4. Super Mario World for Super NES – or any video game from back in the 16 bit days when things were easy. True, I play quite a few things and I’ve beat Tomb Raider Legend, God of War, Prince of Persia, but that required a helluva lot of effort. The last game I was just immediately and honestly pretty good at was Tekken 5 for the PS2, and that’s because I’ve been playing (and good at) Tekken for more than 10 years and not a lot has changed. You cannot imagine the trouble I have with Assasins Creed for the PS3. I have to focus really hard to be adequate at this game. It’s hell being a gaming dinosaur. LOL.

5. New Orleans, Pre-Katrina – Don’t misunderstand me, New Orleans is still a wonderful place, both to visit and to live. But, in a lot of areas, it is markedly different than it was just a few years ago. Everything here is thought of in terms of pre- and post-Katrina. It’s amazing how quickly some things can change and how some things revert to their original state so easily. New Orleans has a new normal these days and it’s somewhat exhilarating to see (and be party to) such a shift. However, there are so many things I miss from Pre-K NOLA, not the least of which is the carefree feeling that this town used to possess. There is very much a sense of trepidation and a worry of “what-if” that didn’t exist here before Katrina. On the other hand, the fear of losing more of the culture is causing people to be a lot more cognizant of what is happening locally and in a lot of cases, step up and get involved in the community and in preserving their heritage. I have to believe that this tragedy went down for a reason and that this new New Orleans has come to be for a good reason. And maybe that’s it. So, we persevere here in NOLA and try to learn all of the new steps and hurdles, because we have to. It may not be the City that Care Forgot any longer, but it is still New Orleans.

Memo to the deluded

Skinny jeans look good on about 2% of the population. You are NOT in that number. Take those jeans off right now and burn them. If they happen to be colored skinny jeans, burn them and then bury the ashes. Thank You.

This Public Service Announcement brought to you by the people who have to look at your sartorially challenged ass everyday!

Around the World in 80 years ... I hope

I have the blessing of being a fairly traveled person. Most people would say well traveled, but when I look at a globe all I can see is the millions of places that I haven’t been. Just today I was talking to JC about her trip to Detroit and she said, “Yeah, you go to Milan and Prague”. For the record, I have been neither of those places, but I have been fairly close to both of them. Anyway, today is a day that I feel like escaping the mundane, so I wanted to celebrate my love of journey with a post.

I love to experience new and different places, so every trip brings the opportunity for exploration. And there are some places that I just love to savor time and time again. So without over-thinking it, here are my favorite sites. Because I’ve lived in, and obviously loved, New Orleans and Houston, I won’t include them.

• San Francisco – I know, I know. It’s like the travel cliché of all time to love San Francisco, but there is a reason it’s so well regarded. This is a gorgeous city, with so many neighborhoods, restaurants and people to love. While it is packed with tourists, it is still possible to discover little treasures around every corner. When you add in the amazing scenery and the unique history and culture of it, the City by the Bay is the only city I’ve visited in California that I don’t find overrated. Check it out .
• Rome – Here’s one that took me completely by surprise. When Amanda & I began planning our trip to Italy, Rome made the itinerary as an obligatory stop. We felt that it would be impossible to make a first trip to Italy and not stop in Rome. But we thought that it would be all about seeing historical sites and museums. However, Rome was unexpected from the first moment. True it’s like walking thorough a History Channel special, but there is also this amazing sense of energy that I loved. Rome crackles with anticipation of the enjoyment you’ll find if you’re willing to go with the flow. I was sorrier to leave Rome than any of the other places in Italy I had expected to love. Check it out.
• Nassau (Paradise Island), Bahamas – It’s not hard to find peace while sitting on the beach, forgetting whatever worries you may have left at home. For me the trouble has been in truly enjoying the atmosphere of a place once leaving the beach. Most of the oceanside outposts that I’ve visited were gorgeous and eminently peaceful, but trying to find any hint of sophisticated nightlife would be completely futile. But Nassau was everything I ever wanted in a beach retreat. Clean white sand and amazing turquoise water, plus shopping, great food, and even a few nightspots that don’t bring to mind Senor Frogs during spring break. And the phenomenal part about staying on Paradise Island is that you can escape from the cruise ship excursioners when you’ve had enough. I’ve never experienced a more aptly named place. Check it out.
• Seville – Spain is a lot harder call than some of the other countries I’ve visited. Seville was my favorite only by a hair, because Granada was also amazing. Anyway, Seville was a fantastic stay where I was able to truly absorb the culture of Andalusia. A large part of it was the amazingly laid back nature of the city and it’s people (the nicest we met in Spain). And the rest was probably the experiences we had. We climbed to the top of the Giralda (bell tower) at the cathedral, shopped in the greatest little stores, carried home an extravagant meal from a neighborhood deli and laughed with the people in every place. And all of those things were done in the rain. We endured downpours and the most humid night I can remember (and I’ve lived in NOLA and H-Town) and never slowed down one bit. We had the greatest dinner conversation with a couple we met from Iceland and got an offer to visit them in Reykjavik. All in all, we had wonderful little adventures in the midst of a fantastic old place with truly generous people. That’s pretty much what travel is all about for me. Check it out.
• Vancouver – I’m not going to lie, I never particularly thought that much of Canada. I thought, sure it’s a lovely country with many delightful sights and citizens, but I was never in much of a hurry to stop by. Vancouver checked me on my attitude right off. I have never seen a cleaner metropolitan area in my life and the panoramic views are astounding. There’s cerulean water and many a scenic mountain vista. All in all a compelling city that’s hard to tear your eyes away from. And yes, the people are genuinely friendly and warm. I can see why Vancouver is hosting the 2010 Winter Olympics. I’d want to go, except for that winter thing. LOL. Check it out.
• Rab, Croatia – Croatia in general was not at all what I expected. I think, like most people all I know about Croatia is a vague recollection of war. But, I figured that was over years ago and Vanja promised me that the country was beautiful. Boy, was she telling the truth. Croatia is a verdant, somewhat mountainous land that drops directly into the Adriatic Sea. And the most stunning place was Rab - both the island and a town on the island. When arriving (by ferry) on the far end of the island it looked, as my friend warned me, as barren as the moon. But in just a few minutes we were coasting over rolling hills with the smell of fresh lavender and laurel tickling my senses. We luxuriated in the magnificent dinners of seafood caught earlier that day and drank local wine and liqueur. I felt caught in time as we strolled through the ancient walled town that had been there since before Columbus set sail for America. I even loved the beach, which was really large boulders forming rocky outcroppings into the sea. We spent two evenings just sitting at a waterside bar staring out into the Adriatic as the Frank Sinatra I’m pretty sure they dug out just for me played in the background. It was a magical experience and I can’t wait to do it again. Check it out.

So there we are. There are some other places that I absolutely love which failed to make this list; (San Antonio, Orlando, Negril, Tulum, etc.) but I didn’t want to be here all night. And we won’t even get into the spots that I desperately want to get to but have yet to make it (Buenos Aires, Nice, Sydney, Marrakech, etc.). Hey, I’ve got time. Keep your eyes peeled for further adventures.

Happy traveling to you all!

What are the germane qualifications, exactly?

Someone told me recently she was surprised by the unsuitable men I date. When I looked at her disbelievingly, she started back-pedaling and merely said that she thought I could do better. I thought to myself that it’s a good thing that we’re merely acquaintances (not really friends), because she’s an idiot.

What is a “suitable” man, anyway? I date people I like, period. I enjoy intelligent, funny, down-to-earth men. I don’t care about your career (or maybe more accurately, job) as long as you work and support yourself doing so. I could care less about which university you’re an alumnus of or whether you attended college in the first place. After all, I’d be a huge hypocrite, as I didn’t actually graduate my damn self. I think too many people use career and matriculation as a measure of intelligence and success. As far as success goes, I think I already mentioned that I only want you to be able to maintain your own lifestyle. Yes, I’d like you to provide for the majority of our social outings (I am a southern woman, after all), but you’ll notice I said provide, not pay. There are a multitude of free and inexpensive options that exist. I should know, as I’ve gotten by doing a lot with a little (money) for most of my adult life. And, as far as I can tell, higher education indicates little about the actual intelligence of a person. I’ve known some collegiate level morons. For me, intelligence is not so much about how much obscure book learning you can memorize (although I like that too), it’s about your ability to hold up your side of a conversation. It’s indicated in how well you can reason things out and, let’s be honest, it’s about whether or not you can keep up with me, mentally. Yes, I am aware that sounds completely arrogant, but I am confident in my head game (intellect-wise, at least).

I have dated several people in the service industry, and by that I mostly mean waiters and bartenders. I have no problem with these guys. I don’t take issue with their chosen vocation. In fact, the ones I’ve been with have been more generous, giving and easy-going than most men I have met. Plus their conversation game is tight; they are willing to hear what you have to say even if they disagree and they can sit and talk for hours. They usually know all kinds of cool spots that I’ve missed or never heard of, are willing to try anything once and get along with almost anyone. I think most of them pick these traits up on the job and I like that attitude. Plus, living in New Orleans, a lot of these guys make a (much) better living than I do. The only problem I have with service industry types these days, is the different schedules. I used to be able to hang out with them until all hours, but now I need to wrap it up a lot earlier. Oh well, maturity and all that. LOL

Here’s another one that I’ve heard gasps about. I have dated an ex-con. I can say that I’ve dated only the one (that I know of), because I just don’t meet a lot of them. But I don’t automatically rule them out because of their felonious pasts. After all, my dad is an ex-con; my sister is an ex-con. I know that folks can screw up, it doesn’t necessarily mean that they’re horrible people. At the same time, I don’t go for the “it’s hard out there for a black man” okey doke. It’s hard out there for everyone. Get your shit together just the same. I didn’t say I would date a multiple time felon, but someone who made a couple of missteps, paid the price and is now on track, is a whole different story.

A guy I’m dating currently asked me if I dated persons of other race. I actually started laughing. If you know me for any length of time you’ll probably hear me say that I’m the United Nations of dating – I accept all races and nationalities, as long as you’re not a terrorist. Just because I’m a single black woman does not mean I only date black men. As a matter of fact, my first crush was white (Italian, actually), my first boyfriend was latino (El Salvadorian, specifically) and my first love was black (Louisianan, sadly). I have dated (or had some level of amorous involvement with) people from 5 continents and more countries than I care to count. What can I say? It’s like traveling to me, plus I dig variety. One of the silliest reasons I can imagine for not dating someone is because they’re not the same race you are. While it’s true that different cultures have different experiences and beliefs, I don’t think it’s too much to expect acceptance and compromise when you have to. Really, a lot of the issues that people of separate races perceive as cultural, have a lot more to do with the personalities of the people actually involved.

I suppose that you could make the argument that because I’m still (and perennially) single, I don’t know what I’m talking about here. But I believe that I’m single because I haven’t met the person for me, not because I don’t meet the “right type” of person. I find the idea of only dating men that other people deem “suitable” a laughable concept. One person’s idea of appropriate can be completely different from another’s. I prefer to leave the choice of who I (hopefully) spend the rest of my life with to myself and my own beliefs. I'll just stay open, deal with the stuff that doesn’t matter too much, break camp when things get out of hand and keep trying to learn from my mistakes. I have to assume those steps are a little more important than only dating so-called appropriate men.

Life Lessons

Life isn't rigid. I have changed over the years and I feel pleased that I'm not one of those people who refuses to adjust or learn from their mistakes. Here are some of the more valuable things that I've learned over years. I fully expect to have some new insights in a few years. I'll check back in 3 years or so, after the big 3-5. LOL

Things I learned after the age of 21

1. Being able to legally drink is not that great if you only drink crap liquor.
2. Don’t give up on your dreams; you can have it all.
3. Real friends give as well as they get.
4. Tell people you care about the truth, unless it hurts them.
5. Do something crazy once in awhile. Life is to be lived.
6. Silence can be dangerous with just your thoughts for company.
7. Keep a journal to help you through rough times.
8. Family is the most important thing.
9. People are going to talk about you, not matter what. Take it as a compliment.
10. SMILE! It gets better.

Things I learned after the age of 25

1. Don’t do or say anything just because you’re drunk. Let liquor act as a social lubricant, not a separate personality.
2. Change is good. Let go of the past, if it’s holding you back.
3. Your true friends will stand by you, mistakes and all.
4. Even if it’s difficult, the truth sets you free.
5. Do something new once in awhile. Life is to be experienced.
6. Be okay with yourself, whether in solitude or in a crowd of fabulous people.
7. Take note of all occasions in your journal. Whether they be painful, joyful or restful, you’ll want to remember them.
8. Your family is the people you choose to make your family. … And family is the most important thing.
9. If someone talking about you bothers you, be willing to confront them about it.
10. SMILE! It gets better.

Things I learned after the age of 30

1. Drinking does not make you forget any more or care any less.
2. Re-evaluate what it is you truly want and need. Then accept that there may be compromises you have to make to get there.
3. Friendship is a constant, but your relationships with friends should evolve.
4. Be really honest within yourself, and be okay if that process hurts.
5. Do something unexpected once in awhile. Life shouldn't always be routine.
6. Silence is a beautiful thing.
7. Keep a journal to remember all of the minutia that you’d forget otherwise. It’s nice to be able to come up with the name of that hotel you stayed in that one time.
8. All families have their problems; hold on anyway, because family is the most important thing.
9. They talked about Jesus; they’ll talk about you too. (Thanks Pelo, it took me awhile on that one LOL).
10. SMILE! It gets better. (Yes, I still believe that. LOL)

Also, here's a couple that have no age limits.

• Travel is good for your soul.
• Always wash off makeup before going to bed.
• Having a truly good friend is better than winning the lottery (at least a scratch off ticket).

In Memory

As you may or may not know, Paul Newman was by far, my favorite actor and movie star (those are 2 different things) of all time. I was truly saddened to hear of his passing and I will miss the roguish charm he brought to all his roles. Here is someone else making a lot of the points I'd like to be able to make. Sadly, I am not really up to writing about this.

So, I'll leave you with these, my favorite quote from (my favorite movie) The Long Hot Summer ...

"Life belongs to the meat eaters Miss Clara. And if you have to take it raw, take it raw."

and a quote that I always loved by Paul Newman, where he laughs at those who felt that his blue eyes were the best thing about him.

"Here lies Paul Newman, who died a failure because his eyes turned brown."

Fever, Fervor, Favor

So what does that title mean, apart from the fact that I love (multi syllabic) alliteration? Well, tonight it just means that I'm exploring my lack of fire. Someone told me recently that I had to find a man that I could be truly be passionate about, if I'm ever expecting to have a great relationship. Or at least I think that's what was said. I tend to translate things in my mind and then paraphrase as best as I can. Anyway, this person said that I need someone who I really spark with, instead of someone I just sort of get along with. I said to myself, that's not so hard. But then I thought back and I wondered if I have ever done that. And I don't know if I have. I mean, at the time I may have thought so about a couple of people, but looking back, that wasn't really the case. It's a little pathetic. How is it possible that in 32 years, I have never felt that burning intensity for someone? I find that I usually miss the relationship when it's over a lot more than the person. I mean don't get me wrong, I have genuinely liked and cared for everyone I've ever been involved with, and a couple of times I have even fallen in love. But felt truly passionate about someone? Passionate enough to survive through the rocky times? Sufficiently ardent to even debate tolerating any breaking of my steadfast rules? No, never. And that feels crazy to me. Once again, it's something I'm doing not quite right. One day I will get the hang of this stuff. I hope I still have all my original parts then.

Anyway, If someone can tell me how I'm supposed to find this perfectly passionate partner (more alliteration) please holla at ya girl.

80s Child

Here's a fun image that I came up with a few years back. I also have a 70s child and I'm working on a 90s version. Anyway, there are over 40 images there. One dollar to the first person who can name them all. Have fun!

Hot fun in the summertime

I love my girls. Ignore the unsafe driving. LOL

What I Want

Wanna Be Loved by Jill Scott - from The Real Thing
Don't feel no pity for me
Cause I'm going through a couple things,
Life means change,
That's the way it goes
All my life I had a constant burning
A strong deep, desire
An aching ambiguous, yearning,
For something better
For something bigger
For something wider
For something higher
And lots of regrets
Cause I ain't seem to found it yet
I've been searching around the world
Never knowing what to expect
I get sad sometimes
Yes I be mad sometimes
Cause I'm out here on the grind
Making mine
And I still can't seem to find
What I've been looking for
Opened so many doors
For real, yo
I just wanna be loved...

I just wanna be loved
Like everybody else does
I just wanna be loved
I just wanna be loved

I just wanna be loved
Like everybody else does
I just wanna be loved
I just wanna be loved

Sometimes it's so hard
You know, what I'm talking 'bout
What I'm talking 'bout
What I'm talking about


That's all. No discussion here, just lyrics. Jill is a wordsmith, speaking truth. I assume you can get to the point without me.

stop looking back ... pay attention to the road

A couple of months ago I wrote about not living in the past and about how there weren't any relationships in my past that I am (or should be) holding on to. But, I have to admit that I was lying (don't be too mad at me, I was lying to myself too). There is one man in my past who has an open door, who I would get together with anytime it was feasible. It's crazy, but this man could have the best of me for free, and it doesn't even hurt me to say that. I guess I think of him as the one who got away.

Don't get me wrong here, I'm not saying this person is the perfect dream man, but he is the first man I ever truly fell in love with as an adult woman. And, more fool me, I never told him that, in the months that we were together. Then, the ultimate kicker is, we didn't actually break up; our relationship just faded away after our Katrina forced relocations.

Anyway, this last evacuation put this man back on my radar screen. I haven't talked to him for literally 2 years and all of a sudden, here we are communicating through messages (text & voice). He says he's going to call and I live with the phone attached to me, anxiously waiting for his call like a 6th grader with a crush on the cute boy in spanish class. I listen to the voicemail he left me several times, trying to parse out some clue as to his intentions. It's sad, and I feel embarassed to be a part of it at all. But, just the sound of this man's voice makes me feel alive.

Maybe everything would be different if we'd had a definitive ending. I'm not sure. All I know is I'm still wanting my chance with this man, but sometimes life just isn't fair. I guess we'll just have to wait and see. As far as I can tell, love pretty much sets you up for a gut punch.

AKIP

my 2 cents (and weaknesses)

So, during my forced exile here in north Louisiana I went to see a couple of movies, both of which I had been very excited about. On consecutive days I went to see Babylon A.D. and Death Race. Now, you have to understand I wasn't excited about these movies because I thought they would be good films. I was simply thrilled about the prospect of what I knew would happen in these movies. Or, as I summed up the movies beforehand, "Filled with random violence and explosions and Vin Diesel / Jason Statham will be hot". Yes, I am a total action junkie and if you cast one of the men I find sexy, I'm pretty much there.


So I went to see both movies and highly enjoyed them. If you want my opinion they're both kinda ludicrous, but Babylon AD is maybe 80 minutes long and tries hard to say something before running out of steam and wrapping up shoddily and Death Race has a slightly more pulled together story, but features Tyrese Gibson (who is generally a mood killer for me). It wasn't until I left the movies the second night that I started to really think about my fixation. There are a lot of men who I find attractive, but these two men are maybe my top 2, as illustrated by the fact that I will see them in any piece of crap movie they foist off on the public. Now, it is true that I love so called "bad movies", but some are truly bad. I mean have you seen "A Man Apart"? I have ... (more than once) and it's horrible. So, as I'm pondering this, I'm re-running my favorite scenes from both movies (and from these 2 "star's" previous efforts) and I realize something. I get off on the fighting and sweat and attitude. Basically, there is something about these two balding, short, over-muscled, but totally desirable (to me) men being violent that completely does it for me. Is there something wrong with that? Oh well, it is what it is. LOL


At least it's just a fantasy, not what I'm wanting in real life ... right?

Dios mio!

Help me!

LOL

No Me Gustav

I am sitting here in Grambling, Louisiana at my mother's house. I do not care for this town, mostly for reasons that have nothing to do with the town itself, but instead the fact that I can only exist outside of an urban environment for a few days without losing my mind. I did my two years of high school here like it was hard labor, and could not get out of here fast enough. So here I am, toiling in the drudgery and trying to mentally stay above water. I hate this crap!

I think I'm most pissed to be sitting here because of this hurricane evacuation. I can't believe the anxiety this sense of deja vu has given me. I hate that I have to leave the home that I just got comfortable in and just hope that everything will be okay. I had the same thing with Katrina, except I believed it was no big deal then. So now, even though I'm hearing that my world should be fine when we're allowed back into New Orleans later this week, I'm still uneasy. I guess that I'm just starting to realize that this is going to be a way of life from now on. And I don't know how comfortable I am with that.

I know that some people will read this (or not) and say that I should leave New Orleans. And a part of me has debated that on a lot of levels. It would indeed be calmer to live in a place that I don't have to keep packing up my life and running away from inclement weather. Because, although every place has it's own challenges, a city not far from the rapidly eroding coast, that lies mostly under sea level and is literally and figuratively swamped with water, is probably never going to be a great bet for stability. But, the plain fact of the matter is, New Orleans is home. And I say that as a person with an actual home town that I love (Houston is a good look). But from the first moment I arrived in New Orleans I felt embraced by it, fed on it's energy and marveled at new experiences. And don't even get me started on the food and the people. And I just believe that the world just isn't so full of love that we should turn our back on some.

So, it seems that for as long as I can be, I will be a New Orleanian. Maybe the day will come that it will get washed into the sea like a modern day Atlantis, but I hope not. Until then I will pack up and leave when I have to. I've learned some things and I will never evacuate again without 2 months worth of clothes, all my photos and some key personal objects. But after the storm passes, I'll be back to the city and the culture that I just seem to let go of. And I'll thank you doubters to let me be. I love what I love.

--AKIP--

Life's Like This

What’s Life Like by Raphael Saadiq - from Instant Vintage

What’s life like, living without a soul
What’s life like if you’re living without a goal
What’s life like if you don’t even talk to your best friends
What’s life like if you never lend a helping hand
What’s life like if you can’t smell a rose
What’s life like if you’re always posing
What’s life like if you live out of your window
What’s life like if you never touch the world
What’s life like if you’re never saying hi to boys and girls
What’s life like if you’re living on the internet and never touch the world
You gotta be real with yourself, cause you’re living in a jaded world



I dig this song a lot. In fact I use it as a ring tone for a few of my good friends. I just appreciate the lyrics, maybe because I relate to them in some strange way. Some days I just want to take to my bed and sleep the world away and other days pass with so little deviance from routine that I feel almost robotic. And then I break free and find myself in crazy situations and surreal circumstances. But, I believe that’s the nature of life, or at least life as it seems to me.

So the next time I find myself in a dark bar at 2:26 AM, sitting with a professor and a line cook, alternately discussing the NFL, Roman civilization and Reeses peanut butter cups vs. Snickers bars, I’ll embrace it as a part of my crazy life and remember why I love it in the first place. I encourage everyone to do the same. This is me ... touching the world.

--AKIP--

10 Things that are are lame about you (ok, me)

I'm baaaccckkk! And I'm sure you missed me ... all 5 of you who actually read this. LOL Anyway, I've been sick for the past several days. And believe me, it has not been a picnic. But, spending days in a sick bed gives you plenty of time and space to think. And think I did. So here are some of the ponderings I came up with. Remember I was ill (and possibly feverish), so don't judge me too harshly.

1. The Olympics are jingoism at its finest. That being said, I love the Olympics. There is something very cool about seeing all of those forgotten sports and ignored countries.

2. I have never been in a relationship with any man who I would want to see me when I’m sick. I wonder if true love means you can tolerate someone’s hacking phlegm cough?

3. A person should never drive down the street with their windows down blasting Tevin Campbell. NEVER!!!

4. A 300+ thread count is a necessity for the infirm. No one wants to be scratched to death when they're sick.

5. Too much History International Channel is bad for morale. Or just maybe, watching six consecutive hours of programming on Stalin, Hitler, Mussolini and Tojo is a buzz kill.

6. Why do people get high on codeine? All it does is puts you to sleep. You could get Benadryl for that.

7. How long is too long to wear the same clothes? The time limit has to go up when you’re sick … right?

8. My couch is really comfortable. I’m totally over my concern that perhaps I spent too much on it.

9. Television makeup artists really need to learn to do makeup that works for high definition TV. I like Ann Curry; does she have to look like a streetwalker?

and …

10. Why do I still like Vin Diesel so much? Should I be ashamed of this?

I cannot stand ...

stupid people who don't know they're idiots. Tell me again, why do I have to work for a living? Seems unfair. And why isn't there a job listing for general smartass (hey, it's better than dumbass). My upper level sarcasm skills must be good for something.

Do you have any relationships for a woman of my intelligence?

Okay, that title is an inside joke amongst certain people in my family. But it is also a semi-serious question.


I used to believe that most things had to follow a very rigid structure - including (or especially) relationships. I thought that my way was pretty much always the right way and I just couldn't understand why nobody seemed to see it like I did. Little wonder that relationships weren't exactly my thing. Or at least romantic relationships weren't; I was and am a great person to be friends with. As time has passed, I have realized that I have to stretch my way of thinking. While I believe that a man should be able to take care of himself, I have this tendency to be pathologically unable to coddle a man. Therefore, it has taken me years to realize that nurturing a relationship (and thereby the person I'm in said relationship with) doesn't mean that I have to become a nursemaid for a grown ass man, but it does mean that I should be capable of doing things to take care of him (as I would assume he is doing for me). If it is something I'd be comfortable doing for my friends, why couldn't I do it for my boyfriend? If one of my friends told me that they were hungry, I would have absolutely no issue making a meal for them. In the past, if my man told me he was hungry I would be hard pressed to do more than show him to the sandwich fixings. And that's just not right. So I am trying, as an intelligent woman, to stop making knee jerk reactions based on my years of "damnit, be a man and take care of your own self" posturing. Man ... growth is hard. *smile*


On a completely different (okay, somewhat different) note, I'm at my favorite point in the aftermath of a relationship (yes, I have a favorite breakup part). I love it when you get past the initial pain and hurt, through the inevitable disappointment and doubt, to the point where you can admit all the things that were wrong with the relationship and your ex. I don't mean that moment that you're still super pissed, when you will detail all of his (glaringly obvious) flaws, foibles, mistakes and just plain f*ck ups, to whomever is suckered, under the guise of support and friendship, into having to listen to it. I mean the the moment where you can calmly reason with and admit to yourself the little things that drove you completely nuts and all of the secret reasons you felt y'all might have had problems down the road. With me, it's that time when I acknowledge all of the small things that I swept under the rug and the huge elephants in the room that I worked my hardest attempting to render invisible. In my latest instance, some of those things are the inate cheapness he had (when he wasn't trying to impress people, at least), his relationship history (I tried not to judge, but some things are just crazy), and his tendency to call me annoying pet names (I'm sorry, I just think "wifey" is stupid). But maybe the biggest thing of all (this is mine and I'll own up to it) was my feelings (minor, but still present) for someone else. No matter if he (the now-ex) was perfect, it would have been difficult for me to be completely "in" the relationship when there was a part of me that was still working out my emotions for someone else. Not that it was actually an option, I was just thinking about it. Anyway, I guess I should be glad that the relationship did end and that I escaped it relatively unscathed. (Although, I should probably be worried that I think of ending a relationship as escaping.) Now I know in my heart that it wasn't truly the right relationship for me, but the expediency of it made it difficult to see that at the time. So, I will just take my time and lick my wounds and then maybe climb my ass back on the crazy ride that is dating. And maybe next time I won't have to actually experience my preferred breakup moment again, because it might be my favorite part, but I could do without it too.


But back to my original question, are there any relationships out there for me that will not consistently make me feel like an idiot or a b*tch? That connection must exist for me, right? Or am I that screwed up? I'll just keep thinking positive, after all it's got me this far. *groan*

What I needed

I have a male friend who, to put it nicely, is a screw-up. Not with me specifically, but just at life in general. Sometimes wonder why I still bother with him, as he pretty much has the maturity of a high school freshman. But, last night as I was having a low moment while drinking at his bar, I told him that I needed to hear something nice about myself. Without batting an eye, he looks at me and says (sincerely) "You are SO beautiful". Then he kissed me on the cheek. It was a really good and pure moment. And I realized, that is why I keep him.

... Plus he pours a damn good drink.

Happy Happy, Joy Joy

I always tell people to make a list of the reasons they are unhappy or unsatisfied and work at fixing those. But I realized that I have never done the opposite, just detail the various little things that make me smile and try to have those as much as possible. So here we go, a list of things that make me unabashedly happy (and slightly embarrassed).

• The perfect meal - Steak (New York Strip, medium), potatoes (blue cheese or garlic mashed), asparagus (lightly cooked, I like the snap) and drink (single barrel bourbon - Blantons or Hirsch).
• "Bad" action movies (preferably martial arts, although I do enjoy shoot-em-ups and spy suspense).
• Staring out at the ocean, letting the sound and the smell of the water take me to my harmonious spot (and having nowhere else to be).
• A really good professional massage (deep tissue or hot stone).
• The complete peace of being out of contact with the world for a few days.
• The relative "peace" of holidays with my family.
• An excellent night of dancing (great music, cheap drinks, fantastic friends, no annoying busters).
• Hanging out with my ladies, drinking wine and listening to music.
• The Aston Martin DB9
• Sunset at my grandparents' farm (I haven't done that in years).
• Sunday mornings in bed , not by myself ;-)
• Competitive reality TV shows, that involve actual skill (Project Runway, So You Think You Can Dance, Iron Chef America, etc.).
• My mom's carrot cake.
• My grandmother's blackberry cobbler.
• Planning extensive vacations and quick trips (that I may or may not take).
• Knowing the answers (or rather, questions) on Jeopardy.
• The multitudes of joy I get from my family (making my mom laugh, the grudging praise from my brother when I beat a video game, Aria's excited greetings, Jauna's expression and tone when speaking to morons, Joia's endless generosity of spirit (and gifts), Amanda's need to believe well of everyone's intentions, etc.).

And there are many more, but just making that list was enough to brighten up my day. I can only hope that I make someone's list in this fashion. If not, I'll get to it one day. Much Love All.

mental meandering

I started this a while back and never finshed, but I thought it was close enough to complete to just go ahead and post it.

There are some things that I will never understand. Look, I believe that I’m an intelligent person (I’m pretty sure you’ve guessed that about me already), but some things are just totally flying past me. Like, I don’t get why some people are always blindsided by the obvious. It’s not like there aren’t pretty blatant signs when something isn’t right. If someone has behaved a certain way for the entirety of your relationship, how in hades can you be surprised every time they do it? Why are you shocked that they keep saying or doing crazy sh*t, when they’ve been that way since day one? Acknowledge the elephant in the room and just be okay with whatever your version of normal is. I’m not telling you to settle for poor behavior, I’m telling you that if you like it and/or continuously accept it, they have no reason to stop doing it.

I will also never understand the complete nature of male / female friendships. And I have quite a few male friends. No matter what, there is always some interesting pathology there that I seem to be missing. I know the nature of the beast is different, but I have always been willing to accept way more crap from my male friends than I would from a boyfriend and my complaints about the two would be very similar. There is just some strange dichotomy that I am unable to completely explain. Now, maybe it boils down to a physical attraction / sexuality issue that, no matter how small it may be, skews the male / female dealings. Or maybe I’m just a hard woman to be friends with. LOL

I’m not saying that you should be a cynic. Contrary to popular belief I’m an optimist – A skeptical optimist, but still… I’m just saying, do you. And then, to quote Cool Breeze, watch for the hook.

Words I Love

I don't know why, but here we go (and I'll even keep the profane words to myself):

• didactic
• atrophy
• eschew
• defenestrate (Why does this word even exist? Was the action that prevalent?)
• ameliorate
• preposterous (lately, this is my favorite description)
• espouse
• parenthetical
• caveat
• dissuade
• navigable
• brio (or elan. I like both and never really get a chance to use either)
• aerate
• epitome
• nomenclature

and last, but not least, and especially in honor of a certain pretentious pseudo-celebrity I met ... (okay, I wasn't going to identify this person, but then I saw this and I couldn't resist)

• intrepid

How many of us have them?

I thought I’d spend a few moments talking about some wonderful people I know. I firmly believe that you can judge the heart of a person by their friends (their real friends, not just some people they may hang out with). And in my case I think my heart must be astonishing (modest much?) because I’m friends with some clearly amazing people. And so I want to thank them for being the people they are, helping me through all my crazy moments and letting me be a friend to them in exchange.

To JC – You are the best friend I’ve had since (your) birth. We are completely different people, but I also know that we truly value the same things. I know I bust your chops all the time, but I also know you can take it. I thank you for being the “special” person that you are and for always being yourself. You have made me crazy, and made me laugh and been there through the stuff that maybe no one else understands but us. Whenever I’m putting together a play in the living room, or ready to play Super Mario World and listen to Jodeci, you’re my girl. Thanks so much for giving me the infinite cheer of your crazy kid, who made me realize, even through her nuttiness, that maybe being a parent isn’t such a bad gig after all. Through all the years I always thought that as much as we are friends, we were more directly family, and that was what made us last through it all, even the teenage years when we could have kicked each other as well as hugged, kissed and said “I love you cousin”. But with all the latest family antics, I’ve realized that relative can mean relative foolishness. So I am all the more grateful that we have the relationship that we have, because you are forever my friend, no matter what you might say about my mama. *eyeroll*

To Spunky D – You are the newest person here, and I say that to point out that I keep real friends for a long time and I have no intention of letting you go anytime soon. I met you when I was just starting to step into my own and I’m not sure if you know that. From the start, you’ve looked to me and asked me advice as if I had a handle on things and truth be told, I appreciated it. There were definitely times I was giving you advice based on things that had happened to me just weeks before. But, you always believed in me and I cherish that. Because the fact is, you're an intelligent and thoughtful person with your own intuitive moral code. I have loved watching you emerge from your figurative cocoon and just jump into life. I know that you don’t have the easiest time trusting people and I’m awed that you trust me. I laugh at some of the insane stuff that has gone down during our friendship (“what’s my mutha f@&*ing name” “you guys, I fell like the matrix” “That's not prudent”) and I can’t wait until we can do it all again.

To Ever Charles – You went from being the scandalous influence of my early adulthood to the (still slightly scandalous) example of what love does to a person (yes, that’s a good thing). I have to say that you taught me so much about how to stand up for myself and demand what I wanted and deserved. But the thing that I love most about you is, how you’re this total hard ass who says whatever she feels needs to be said, but underneath that you’re a total creampuff. I find it funny that people totally miss that about you. I mean you’ve got one hell of a solid core when you think people are wrong or you’re protecting someone you care about and yeah, you love to shock people and be blatant as hell, but you also cry at the lamest of movies and buy circus tickets for kids you don’t even know. Your audacity is tempered by your love and concern for others. God knows, you’ve taken care of me over some bumps in the road, both small and large. I think that’s amazing, and I think you are too. I think you should have a kid ASAP, not for your husband, but for yourself, so that you can share that part of yourself with someone who inherently adores you … and let’s face it, throws all that intensity right back in your face. It’ll be great, you can take him or her to House of Pies and play gin. *smile*

To Joiadele – You probably have as much to do with who I am as a person, as I do. You’ve made me truly examine myself … the way I act, the things I do, the choices I make. And I needed that more than I can say. I think self actualization is the gift you’ve given me and I love it. I thank you so much for moving me here, for taking me out, for showing me that I could be sexy. You filed off (most of) my rough edges and completely improved my life (and of course, lifestyle). I think you do that for most people you know, that's why nobody ever wants to stop being your friend. You have the gift of planning - the big picture always and the details when you have to. I know that times haven’t been great lately and that it can seem like everybody’s out to get you, but it’s because of who you are that they’re able to try so hard. Most people would have folded like a cheap tent, but you are a true survivor and you will make it past these hurdles too. I marvel at your ability to shake yourself off and to always know what to say to people. I have become a much better person being here with you. I even stopped whistling at bartenders … most of the time. LOL

To Jo Kelly – You are my best friend and know me better than anyone. It’s not just the things that we’ve been through together (though those have been crazy), it’s the nature of how we got through those things. I was just becoming a real person when I met you, and I believe that there person I’ve grown into has a lot to do with the experiences we’ve had. You try harder than anyone I’ve ever met. Take that as a compliment. When others would have moved on or given up, you’re still running the angles, flipping a problem over in your mind. That’s admirable. But the way you’re (finally) learning to let go of the bad and take care of yourself, is even more admirable. I would never have reached for half the things I’ve had without you as my constant backup. I would have continued to dream of things I didn’t believe I could have if you hadn’t made me get off my ass and try. And I wouldn’t be able to risk anything if I didn’t have you in my corner. I love to share my stories with you and hear what you’ve gotten yourself into. I thought that we would grow apart when I moved to NOLA, but I love that we are as close as we ever were. I would never have gone to Italy without your insistence that I could and that trip has touched off a huge spark in me. I love going out with you, both of us looking incredible and knowing that deep down, we’re still the same wild women of Bates that we were in 1994. It’s an honor to be your friend, even when we drive each other crazy, which is most of the time. I love you even if you are a busybody. (That’s a joke. LOL)

To all those people not mentioned before – I know I left out some people … Incredible friends, all. I can be but so sentimental in one entry. But, I know who you are and believe me, I know the value of your friendship. I assure you that I in no way undervalue who you are by not mentioning you. I’m getting to you, promise. Until then …

Much Love,
Abena

Let's all go to the lobby, and have ourselves a ... revelation

I have seen a lot of movies, good, bad and otherwise. No really … a lot. And I have come to accept the part that watching those films has had in my life. It struck me yesterday as I was watching Hard Target. Yes, Hard Target - some of Jean Claude Van Damme’s “greatest” work and John Woo’s American film debut. I told you, good, bad and otherwise. While looking for familiar landmarks and neighborhoods in this movie that was ostensibly filmed in New Orleans, I realized that movies color the way I look at so much of my life. I love to watch a film and see places that I have been; it gives me a greater sense of connection to the movie. In this way Casino Royale, the last James Bond film, will always be great for me as it contained two places I had been and held memories of dear to my heart. Moreso, I adore it when a film makes me want to be in that space, whether it’s the place, the era or that specific moment. Only You, made a lifelong wish to visit Italy an urgent need that could not be satisfied until I actually ventured there myself. The yearning that I have to travel and explore, to never stop seeking out new places and adventures, has been both fed and increased through cinema.

I used to believe that I had watched too many romantic movies. I thought it was the unrealistic expectations formed by umpteen viewings of romantic comedies that made it so difficult for me to settle for mediocrity and maintain a long-term relationship. But I have come to realize that it’s quite the opposite. I don’t believe in the majority of the overly sentimental or sappy stuff, in fact I find it mostly crap. It’s like, I’ve seen every little thought and emotion acted out in a million different ways through the years. So the part of me that is skeptical (75% or so) has honed my BS detector to a finely tuned instrument. And it goes off at the merest hint of schmaltz, fraudulent behavior or movie clichés come to life. It’s the reason that I date the men I date. They’re always “real” to me. I don’t believe in Prince Charming or the White Knight – people are who they are and I just like them to be honest with and to me. I am aware that I may be shooting myself in the foot here, but it’s how I am. Fairy tales aren’t my thing and movies have made me even more disinclined to accredit them.

Once, many years ago, after a late night viewing of The Howling (or some fine film of that ilk) I tried to bunk down in my mother’s room in case something was coming to get me. My mother, no stranger to BS detection herself, taught me the secret to watching horror movies. She told me that it’s all special effects and that if you look close enough you can see the man behind the curtain, so to speak. Since that time I have been unable to watch a scary movie with the necessary willing suspension of disbelief required to be frightened. As such, very few “horrific” things scare me. I mean, I have a very healthy fear of criminal activity or bodily harm, but I don’t fear standard horror movie foes. The only thing I truly dread is the idea of something hurting to me or mine. But there, I have plenty of trepidation to go around.

I’ve watched so many movies that I can easily predict the plot, including twists and surprises, in about 85% of what I watch (television included). It’s ridiculous how easy it is for me to use the scripted foreshadowing to predict and pick apart the contrived (and hackneyed) storylines. The problem with this is that I do the same thing in real life too. I think I know how something is going to proceed (and end) five minutes into it. Then I find myself assuming that I know how everything and everybody works or acts. It is folly, most definitely, but it is a habit I can’t seem to get away from. Like so much else with me, I find that truly knowing myself is the key to dealing with my issues. So I have admitted this about myself in the hopes that it will make me adjust my attitude and dealings with people. Life isn’t as predictable and one note as a sitcom and I need to treat it as such.

Or maybe I’m just looking for something meaningful to justify the countless hours I’ve spent watching crap like Hard Target. *sigh*.

Much Love,
AKIP

One Mo Gin

So I was intending to detail here the opposing position on relationships. That is, I was going to write what women shouldn’t do in a relationship with men. But let’s be realistic, if I had any idea what that should be, maybe I wouldn’t be single my damn self. Truly, if my friends realized that the total amount of time I have spent in relationships as an adult is probably less than I did as a teenager, surely they’d stop asking seeking my advice. Anyway, since we’ve established that the male psyche is not my area of expertise, let me just make it clear that this is a list of things that I think women should do in their relationships, the disclaimer being, obviously I am no expert, but these things seem to send up a lot of flags. I’m not sure if this is totally valid since I’m just venting and spitballing, but here goes:

· Don’t think he’s psychic. – Nobody can read your mind. If you want something, or better yet need something, speak up. He is not your girl that’s known you since 8th grade. He does not know that when you say “Get the hell out of here”, what you really mean is “I need a hug, and some Häagen Dazs”. There is no quicker way to cause seething resentment in both parties than rolling with, “he should’ve known” this or “why won’t he do” that. You need to be like an infant here; make the appropriate noise to indicate your needs. Again, I repeat, IF YOU WANT IT, ASK FOR IT.

· Remember to adjust for translation. – The simple truth of the matter is, women and men speak different languages. Even the very talented multilingual amongst us can’t claim to be a native speaker. So when you think you’ve explained your point clearly and explicitly, be aware that to him it may have sounded like you were speaking Sanskrit. And when he’s telling you exactly what went down with him and his boys, it may sound like the Charlie Brown teacher is talking. Here you just have to do like you would in a foreign country, speak slowly, listen out for words you might understand, try to piece together the concept and hope you didn’t screw up too terribly. Then let it go (and be able to laugh about it if things go too far awry).

· Don’t hate on his interests. – Remember when you met him and he told you that he liked to watch football on Sunday or that he was really into science fiction? He meant that. Don’t begrudge him time to go do the things he likes (unless what he likes is whoring, in which case … get gone). In some cases he might like you to join in his interests. But be okay with it if he doesn’t. This isn’t a huge indication of anything, except that he likes fishing with his boys or washing his car in solitude. People should be able to have their own pursuits, even while in a relationship. In that same vein …

· Do you – Remember when you first met him and told him how you loved movie night with your girls or spa days? You meant that. I know you’re excited to be with somebody, but try to recall who you were before. Obviously he liked that person, so let her thrive and enjoy herself. And if he doesn’t want to let you do those things (like never, not just on the one weekend where his favorite uncle Freddie is visiting, or when you try to go out every Friday with that one crazy buckwild friend) then you probably have the wrong guy anyway.

· Don’t misinterpret the physical. – Don’t get it twisted. Sex is physical, even for women. True it can be a physical manifestation of an emotional reaction, but truly … it’s corporeal. Basically, don’t think sex fixes anything. All sex can cure is the need to have sex. So, if you’re having a disagreement and then you have sex, you didn’t end (or win) the argument. You may stop talking about it, but it didn’t stop existing. Coitus is not a debating technique. The Lincoln Douglas guidelines are not the Kama Sutra. So really, have your fun, but don’t think you’ve managed to ameliorate your issues.

· Watch your mouth – Just as a rule, don’t ever say any of these things:
“If you really loved me …”
“It’s not you, it’s me”
“My ex never __________”
“That’s why I slept with ______”
“Your momma’s a bitch”


Once again, that’s all. Still not educating, just elucidating! Feel free to let me know if I’m full of crap.

Much Love,
AKIP

midnight

Sometimes I have to admit, I'm lonely. That is a difficult admission for me to make. There's something about the word lonely that makes me feel slightly pathetic, like the old cat lady down the block. I am aware that loneliness is not tantamount to piteousness, but occasionally on a night like tonight, I forget.
I try to remind myself, during these late night sessions of meloncholy, that I am not alone. I have an obscene number of friends and family who love me and who would actually participate if I called them at that very moment. But that doesn't really change how I feel in the darkness. It's this wholly unreasonable feeling that leads me to consider making very imbecilic decisions, like making phone calls to people better left in the past. These days, however, I do refrain from actually making those calls; I just debate it for an interminable moment. Ah, the joys of growing up.
Anyway, I'm not really dicussing anything of merit here; I'm just throwing myself a pity party. So I'm going to suck it up and stop whining. But before I go I will say this, celibacy sucks!
-- AKIP --

on the finite nature of life

Had some thoughts on mortality that i couldn't get expressed. So here it is, stated more eloquently than I can.

WHEN YOU ARE OLD
When you are old and gray and full of sleep,
And nodding by the fire, take down this book,
And slowly read, and dream of the soft look
Your eyes had once, and of their shadows deep;

How many loved your moments of glad grace,
And loved your beauty with love false or true,
But one man loved the pilgrim soul in you,
And loved the sorrows of your changing face;

And bending down beside the glowing bars,
Murmur, a little sadly, how Love fled
And paced upon the mountains overhead
And hid his face amid a crowd of stars.

—William Butler Yeats


LENGTH OF MOON
Then the golden hour
Will tick its last
And the flame will go down in the flower.
A briefer length of moon
Will mark the sea-line and the yellow dune.
Then we may think of this, yet
There will be something forgotten
And something we should forget.
It will be like all things we know.
A stone will fail; a rose is sure to go.
It will be quiet then and we may stay
Long at the picket gate
But there will be less to say.

—Arna Bontemps

Wow ... um thanks?!

I got together last night with a guy I had been talking to for a couple of weeks. He’s seemed to be a good guy so far, besides a base level vagueness that I associate with the Y chromosome, but last night he committed a super dating faux paux. He is an appallingly bad kisser. Truly, it was awful. There was entirely too much of his tongue attempting to make its way down my throat. And here’s a newsflash man, if I’m pulling my head all the way back, I am not attempting to be coy. I’m just NOT enjoying this. Take notice genius! As I’m sitting through this assault upon my oral cavity, and trying to make subtle adjustments so as not to hurt his feelings or gag myself, he’s just steadily plugging with this stabbing, sliding motion. All I could think was “How soon until I can get the hell out of here” and “I wonder if he’ll notice if I never talk to him again”. Sad to say, but his oscular abilities (or complete lack thereof) made me lose any interest I may have had in him. So as I ponder the quickest and easiest way to be done with him, let me deliver a public service to men and give you a list of dating don’ts. Hey, this should at least keep you in the game until you get to the kissing part. After that, you’re on your own.

· Never ask me why I’m single. – It’s just a ridiculous (and insulting) question. What am I supposed to say to that? “Because I’m a conniving, vindictive, controlling harpy”. “Because I hate people, you included”. “Because I didn’t realize there was another option”. “Because I really like going without sex for months on end”. Really, there is no good answer here. I know you mean it as a compliment, but really just say “I can’t believe you’re still single”. It comes out so much better that way.

· Don’t tell me what I “should” eat / drink / smoke, etc. – I know that you have favorites, we all do. But, there is no reason for you to try to foist them off on me like some kind of crazed zealot. I’m sure that you’ve had some experiences that you’d like to share, but I’m a grown ass woman. I don’t need to hear “you should have ordered the spinach” or “Get the blended whisky, it’s better” from you. I am intelligent (and opinionated) enough to have my own preferences. I’m open to your suggestions, but please try not to phrase it as an order or some inherently logical statement that I just don’t understand.

· Stay away from sensitive areas of conversation, especially early on. – Don’t ask me how many sexual partners I’ve had. You will not like the answer, whether I lie or not. Don’t tell me how much of a bitch/ slut/ tramp your ex is. You will look like a total douche no matter what the woman may have actually done. Don’t tell me about the risqué or kinky sex you’ve participated in. Even if I’m into that, I don’t want to hear about it the first time we meet for drinks.

· Don’t insult my intelligence. – There is a pact we strike by agreeing to this courtship ritual. I agree that I find you at least somewhat attractive and bright. You agree to at least pretend that you believe the same about me. You may have asked me out because of how I looked in a low-cut shirt, but at least act like you suppose I can form complete sentences and thoughts. If you can’t do that, then obviously I was the one who was wrong in our agreement.

· Try (harder) not to stare at women. – I mean all women. Don’t gawk at the waitress, even if she’s got supermodel legs barely covered by her miniskirt. Don’t ogle your boy’s date and wonder if she has a no friends policy. Don’t spend the whole evening staring down my shirt (or at least try to be discreet). Look, we as women definitely put work into garnering visual notice, but no one wants to be viewed like the last steak in the meat market (or at least no one I know). Appreciate, but don’t gape.

· Don’t ask if you can touch me. – I know it’s non PC, but I don’t want you to check if it’s okay to kiss me or rub my back. You instantly lose my respect and you shift all of the control over to me. Just give it a try if you think it’s the right time. Believe me, you’ll know quickly if you’re right or not.

Well that’s all. I hope you’ve learned something here. Though I never claimed to be an educator, I do try and help my folks. Let me know if I left something out. Oh, and do not attempt to perform surgery on my trachea by way of a kiss. Sometimes less truly is more!

--AKIP--

Homecoming

I am laying here in my bed, in my house! It's kind of a surreal moment, because in some ways I never thought I'd be back in this house. Katrina may have taken most of my possesions, but I'm back here in my home and it's wonderful. I also need to say that I absolutely adore my family. I could not have survived the past almost 3 years without their love, support ... and lodging. But it feels amazing to not have to live on them anymore, and to be back in my spot. I would love to have something deep and pithy to say, but I've been moving all day. My brain is just as tired as my body.
Final thought - Life is good!

Will they reminisce over you?

So I realized today that there is nothing, or should I say nobody, for me in the past. Truly, I have known some amazing men (and a few not so wonderful) but whatever their high points may have been, there is no need for me to go back there. I, like many people, have the habit of wondering "what if". But the thing about that is, why have I spent so much time on what might have been, instead of what could be? So, here today I need to make a pledge to myself to give up attempting to shop in my past and start trying to invest in my future.

And it's not just me either. I know some people who do the same thing, and who need to avow to their willingness to move on. Don't worry I'm not going to call you out. These wonderful people cannot get their own pasts the heck out of the way to see the future. I know how much easier said than done that is, but the past exists there for a reason, to be where we learn from. The example of what hasn't worked is supposed to serve us to not make the same mistakes repeatedly.

For all of us I say, know your own worth, believe in the person that you have become and don't set yourself up for grief. Remember that you are a good person and that you do deserve great things. Also keep in mind that sometimes it is your fault, that you can screw up and learn how to dust off your pride and apologize, honestly.

I said all of that to come back around to, maybe there is a person in my past who was right for me ... then. But I'm not that same person and I doubt that they are either. So casting about in my yesteryear to find that person who could've been the one is absurd. I should leave my memories where they are and look around in my real world.

There's no guarantee that what I want is out here either, but that's what hope is about. And that's why I call it the upswing. Hey you can only go so far down, before you have to bounce way back up.

Thanks for the Love,
AKIP