How many of us have them?

I thought I’d spend a few moments talking about some wonderful people I know. I firmly believe that you can judge the heart of a person by their friends (their real friends, not just some people they may hang out with). And in my case I think my heart must be astonishing (modest much?) because I’m friends with some clearly amazing people. And so I want to thank them for being the people they are, helping me through all my crazy moments and letting me be a friend to them in exchange.

To JC – You are the best friend I’ve had since (your) birth. We are completely different people, but I also know that we truly value the same things. I know I bust your chops all the time, but I also know you can take it. I thank you for being the “special” person that you are and for always being yourself. You have made me crazy, and made me laugh and been there through the stuff that maybe no one else understands but us. Whenever I’m putting together a play in the living room, or ready to play Super Mario World and listen to Jodeci, you’re my girl. Thanks so much for giving me the infinite cheer of your crazy kid, who made me realize, even through her nuttiness, that maybe being a parent isn’t such a bad gig after all. Through all the years I always thought that as much as we are friends, we were more directly family, and that was what made us last through it all, even the teenage years when we could have kicked each other as well as hugged, kissed and said “I love you cousin”. But with all the latest family antics, I’ve realized that relative can mean relative foolishness. So I am all the more grateful that we have the relationship that we have, because you are forever my friend, no matter what you might say about my mama. *eyeroll*

To Spunky D – You are the newest person here, and I say that to point out that I keep real friends for a long time and I have no intention of letting you go anytime soon. I met you when I was just starting to step into my own and I’m not sure if you know that. From the start, you’ve looked to me and asked me advice as if I had a handle on things and truth be told, I appreciated it. There were definitely times I was giving you advice based on things that had happened to me just weeks before. But, you always believed in me and I cherish that. Because the fact is, you're an intelligent and thoughtful person with your own intuitive moral code. I have loved watching you emerge from your figurative cocoon and just jump into life. I know that you don’t have the easiest time trusting people and I’m awed that you trust me. I laugh at some of the insane stuff that has gone down during our friendship (“what’s my mutha f@&*ing name” “you guys, I fell like the matrix” “That's not prudent”) and I can’t wait until we can do it all again.

To Ever Charles – You went from being the scandalous influence of my early adulthood to the (still slightly scandalous) example of what love does to a person (yes, that’s a good thing). I have to say that you taught me so much about how to stand up for myself and demand what I wanted and deserved. But the thing that I love most about you is, how you’re this total hard ass who says whatever she feels needs to be said, but underneath that you’re a total creampuff. I find it funny that people totally miss that about you. I mean you’ve got one hell of a solid core when you think people are wrong or you’re protecting someone you care about and yeah, you love to shock people and be blatant as hell, but you also cry at the lamest of movies and buy circus tickets for kids you don’t even know. Your audacity is tempered by your love and concern for others. God knows, you’ve taken care of me over some bumps in the road, both small and large. I think that’s amazing, and I think you are too. I think you should have a kid ASAP, not for your husband, but for yourself, so that you can share that part of yourself with someone who inherently adores you … and let’s face it, throws all that intensity right back in your face. It’ll be great, you can take him or her to House of Pies and play gin. *smile*

To Joiadele – You probably have as much to do with who I am as a person, as I do. You’ve made me truly examine myself … the way I act, the things I do, the choices I make. And I needed that more than I can say. I think self actualization is the gift you’ve given me and I love it. I thank you so much for moving me here, for taking me out, for showing me that I could be sexy. You filed off (most of) my rough edges and completely improved my life (and of course, lifestyle). I think you do that for most people you know, that's why nobody ever wants to stop being your friend. You have the gift of planning - the big picture always and the details when you have to. I know that times haven’t been great lately and that it can seem like everybody’s out to get you, but it’s because of who you are that they’re able to try so hard. Most people would have folded like a cheap tent, but you are a true survivor and you will make it past these hurdles too. I marvel at your ability to shake yourself off and to always know what to say to people. I have become a much better person being here with you. I even stopped whistling at bartenders … most of the time. LOL

To Jo Kelly – You are my best friend and know me better than anyone. It’s not just the things that we’ve been through together (though those have been crazy), it’s the nature of how we got through those things. I was just becoming a real person when I met you, and I believe that there person I’ve grown into has a lot to do with the experiences we’ve had. You try harder than anyone I’ve ever met. Take that as a compliment. When others would have moved on or given up, you’re still running the angles, flipping a problem over in your mind. That’s admirable. But the way you’re (finally) learning to let go of the bad and take care of yourself, is even more admirable. I would never have reached for half the things I’ve had without you as my constant backup. I would have continued to dream of things I didn’t believe I could have if you hadn’t made me get off my ass and try. And I wouldn’t be able to risk anything if I didn’t have you in my corner. I love to share my stories with you and hear what you’ve gotten yourself into. I thought that we would grow apart when I moved to NOLA, but I love that we are as close as we ever were. I would never have gone to Italy without your insistence that I could and that trip has touched off a huge spark in me. I love going out with you, both of us looking incredible and knowing that deep down, we’re still the same wild women of Bates that we were in 1994. It’s an honor to be your friend, even when we drive each other crazy, which is most of the time. I love you even if you are a busybody. (That’s a joke. LOL)

To all those people not mentioned before – I know I left out some people … Incredible friends, all. I can be but so sentimental in one entry. But, I know who you are and believe me, I know the value of your friendship. I assure you that I in no way undervalue who you are by not mentioning you. I’m getting to you, promise. Until then …

Much Love,
Abena

Let's all go to the lobby, and have ourselves a ... revelation

I have seen a lot of movies, good, bad and otherwise. No really … a lot. And I have come to accept the part that watching those films has had in my life. It struck me yesterday as I was watching Hard Target. Yes, Hard Target - some of Jean Claude Van Damme’s “greatest” work and John Woo’s American film debut. I told you, good, bad and otherwise. While looking for familiar landmarks and neighborhoods in this movie that was ostensibly filmed in New Orleans, I realized that movies color the way I look at so much of my life. I love to watch a film and see places that I have been; it gives me a greater sense of connection to the movie. In this way Casino Royale, the last James Bond film, will always be great for me as it contained two places I had been and held memories of dear to my heart. Moreso, I adore it when a film makes me want to be in that space, whether it’s the place, the era or that specific moment. Only You, made a lifelong wish to visit Italy an urgent need that could not be satisfied until I actually ventured there myself. The yearning that I have to travel and explore, to never stop seeking out new places and adventures, has been both fed and increased through cinema.

I used to believe that I had watched too many romantic movies. I thought it was the unrealistic expectations formed by umpteen viewings of romantic comedies that made it so difficult for me to settle for mediocrity and maintain a long-term relationship. But I have come to realize that it’s quite the opposite. I don’t believe in the majority of the overly sentimental or sappy stuff, in fact I find it mostly crap. It’s like, I’ve seen every little thought and emotion acted out in a million different ways through the years. So the part of me that is skeptical (75% or so) has honed my BS detector to a finely tuned instrument. And it goes off at the merest hint of schmaltz, fraudulent behavior or movie clichés come to life. It’s the reason that I date the men I date. They’re always “real” to me. I don’t believe in Prince Charming or the White Knight – people are who they are and I just like them to be honest with and to me. I am aware that I may be shooting myself in the foot here, but it’s how I am. Fairy tales aren’t my thing and movies have made me even more disinclined to accredit them.

Once, many years ago, after a late night viewing of The Howling (or some fine film of that ilk) I tried to bunk down in my mother’s room in case something was coming to get me. My mother, no stranger to BS detection herself, taught me the secret to watching horror movies. She told me that it’s all special effects and that if you look close enough you can see the man behind the curtain, so to speak. Since that time I have been unable to watch a scary movie with the necessary willing suspension of disbelief required to be frightened. As such, very few “horrific” things scare me. I mean, I have a very healthy fear of criminal activity or bodily harm, but I don’t fear standard horror movie foes. The only thing I truly dread is the idea of something hurting to me or mine. But there, I have plenty of trepidation to go around.

I’ve watched so many movies that I can easily predict the plot, including twists and surprises, in about 85% of what I watch (television included). It’s ridiculous how easy it is for me to use the scripted foreshadowing to predict and pick apart the contrived (and hackneyed) storylines. The problem with this is that I do the same thing in real life too. I think I know how something is going to proceed (and end) five minutes into it. Then I find myself assuming that I know how everything and everybody works or acts. It is folly, most definitely, but it is a habit I can’t seem to get away from. Like so much else with me, I find that truly knowing myself is the key to dealing with my issues. So I have admitted this about myself in the hopes that it will make me adjust my attitude and dealings with people. Life isn’t as predictable and one note as a sitcom and I need to treat it as such.

Or maybe I’m just looking for something meaningful to justify the countless hours I’ve spent watching crap like Hard Target. *sigh*.

Much Love,
AKIP

One Mo Gin

So I was intending to detail here the opposing position on relationships. That is, I was going to write what women shouldn’t do in a relationship with men. But let’s be realistic, if I had any idea what that should be, maybe I wouldn’t be single my damn self. Truly, if my friends realized that the total amount of time I have spent in relationships as an adult is probably less than I did as a teenager, surely they’d stop asking seeking my advice. Anyway, since we’ve established that the male psyche is not my area of expertise, let me just make it clear that this is a list of things that I think women should do in their relationships, the disclaimer being, obviously I am no expert, but these things seem to send up a lot of flags. I’m not sure if this is totally valid since I’m just venting and spitballing, but here goes:

· Don’t think he’s psychic. – Nobody can read your mind. If you want something, or better yet need something, speak up. He is not your girl that’s known you since 8th grade. He does not know that when you say “Get the hell out of here”, what you really mean is “I need a hug, and some Häagen Dazs”. There is no quicker way to cause seething resentment in both parties than rolling with, “he should’ve known” this or “why won’t he do” that. You need to be like an infant here; make the appropriate noise to indicate your needs. Again, I repeat, IF YOU WANT IT, ASK FOR IT.

· Remember to adjust for translation. – The simple truth of the matter is, women and men speak different languages. Even the very talented multilingual amongst us can’t claim to be a native speaker. So when you think you’ve explained your point clearly and explicitly, be aware that to him it may have sounded like you were speaking Sanskrit. And when he’s telling you exactly what went down with him and his boys, it may sound like the Charlie Brown teacher is talking. Here you just have to do like you would in a foreign country, speak slowly, listen out for words you might understand, try to piece together the concept and hope you didn’t screw up too terribly. Then let it go (and be able to laugh about it if things go too far awry).

· Don’t hate on his interests. – Remember when you met him and he told you that he liked to watch football on Sunday or that he was really into science fiction? He meant that. Don’t begrudge him time to go do the things he likes (unless what he likes is whoring, in which case … get gone). In some cases he might like you to join in his interests. But be okay with it if he doesn’t. This isn’t a huge indication of anything, except that he likes fishing with his boys or washing his car in solitude. People should be able to have their own pursuits, even while in a relationship. In that same vein …

· Do you – Remember when you first met him and told him how you loved movie night with your girls or spa days? You meant that. I know you’re excited to be with somebody, but try to recall who you were before. Obviously he liked that person, so let her thrive and enjoy herself. And if he doesn’t want to let you do those things (like never, not just on the one weekend where his favorite uncle Freddie is visiting, or when you try to go out every Friday with that one crazy buckwild friend) then you probably have the wrong guy anyway.

· Don’t misinterpret the physical. – Don’t get it twisted. Sex is physical, even for women. True it can be a physical manifestation of an emotional reaction, but truly … it’s corporeal. Basically, don’t think sex fixes anything. All sex can cure is the need to have sex. So, if you’re having a disagreement and then you have sex, you didn’t end (or win) the argument. You may stop talking about it, but it didn’t stop existing. Coitus is not a debating technique. The Lincoln Douglas guidelines are not the Kama Sutra. So really, have your fun, but don’t think you’ve managed to ameliorate your issues.

· Watch your mouth – Just as a rule, don’t ever say any of these things:
“If you really loved me …”
“It’s not you, it’s me”
“My ex never __________”
“That’s why I slept with ______”
“Your momma’s a bitch”


Once again, that’s all. Still not educating, just elucidating! Feel free to let me know if I’m full of crap.

Much Love,
AKIP

midnight

Sometimes I have to admit, I'm lonely. That is a difficult admission for me to make. There's something about the word lonely that makes me feel slightly pathetic, like the old cat lady down the block. I am aware that loneliness is not tantamount to piteousness, but occasionally on a night like tonight, I forget.
I try to remind myself, during these late night sessions of meloncholy, that I am not alone. I have an obscene number of friends and family who love me and who would actually participate if I called them at that very moment. But that doesn't really change how I feel in the darkness. It's this wholly unreasonable feeling that leads me to consider making very imbecilic decisions, like making phone calls to people better left in the past. These days, however, I do refrain from actually making those calls; I just debate it for an interminable moment. Ah, the joys of growing up.
Anyway, I'm not really dicussing anything of merit here; I'm just throwing myself a pity party. So I'm going to suck it up and stop whining. But before I go I will say this, celibacy sucks!
-- AKIP --