Because I've only just allowed myself to realize this. Because it's taken me this long to even see it. Because I've done what my people have always done, bear the weight, carry the burden. Because my heart had been broken before, and my spirit had been broken before, but I didn't realize that my back was broken. Because pain is always been real and constant, I didn't know what I was doing to myself. Because it was a safer place to move inside my own pain. Because seeing how far gone I was would have made me feel more like a fool. Because admitting the truth of what I wanted and what I needed and how I never would have gotten them in you is an unending slog of recrimination. Because I can finally be angry, even though I don't want to be angry. Because I robbed myself. Because I lied to myself. Because what I always thought I was was realistic and honest about me and because I was a liar. Because I made the wrong choices. Because I chose the wrong family. Because I never believed that you were wrong. Because I thought I understood things but I didn't understand. Because I thought I knew a magical trick to existence. Because I'm terrified that even with knowing all of this, I'd go back and do it again. Because who trained me that what you needed was more important than what I need? Because sometimes my insides are gaping maw of nothing and I feel like that's maybe all I can ever be. Because that's not right and that's not fair. And life's not right and it's not fair. Because I hate that I can still feel like this. Because you did this to me and because I let you. And because you don't have to feel this and I do. Because you made me write this shit and feel this shit and live this shit and I don't wanna. And because at the end of the day this is just one more shout into the void and it means nothing, except that I had to say it. Because
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