I love you. I loved you then, I still love you. I loved you in the best way that I knew how. I may not have always been completely honest with either of us about this, but it was real. I miss you everyday. It angers me when I realize that I cannot talk to you. What I really can't seem to recover from is the loss of trust. I was more honest and free and just plain open with you than with almost anyone else in my life. And you broke that. And I don't know how to get it back. It's like everything I knew about our relationship was a lie. Perhaps I'm overstating, but that's how it feels. It makes me doubt myself. Doubt that the things I felt and believed in were real. When I think of all the ways I feel betrayed about this - of all the times you had to have lied to me or lied by omission - it hurts. More than hurts really, it feels like a gaping wound. It's like there is a part of me broken because you're not there. But to have you back, it would never be the same. I don't know how I would ever trust you again. Or believe you. And that is the worst thing.
Often I think of calling you. But I never do, because what would we even say to each other? There's not a remedy for this thing that is broken between us. Or maybe it's just me. Possibly you feel ready to move on and try again. But I can't. I just can't. Maybe one day I'll be in a place where I can get past this feeling. But right now, everytime I think about you, it makes me unbearably sad and still irrationally angry. And I don't want to be angry. I just want to be - be happy, be loved, be me.
I miss you so much.
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