Sundown

I wanted to write you a letter, but it felt inappropriate. So I thought about it, and came up with this. This forum certainly helps no one but me, but that’s my prerogative.

My dear,

So you did it. You got married. Congratulations. Huzzah.  I am happy for you, whether that’s what you want or not. After all, I wish you happiness now and evermore. And I genuinely wish you not just happiness, but joy. The great majority of me sincerely hopes that is what your nuptials bring you, joy. And if there is some small, inexplicable piece of me that worries that you might not have found it, that piece forces me to write.

I believe in you.  I have believed in you for a long time, despite often having no reason to do so, and occasionally having cause to actively not believe in you. I believe that you know how to live your life well. I believe that you can achieve all of the goals you and others have set for yourself. But I worry, that you don’t live your life to the fullest – That you may not be able to see past those goals and achievements to find sublime peace and infinite wonder. I hope that this is not the case, that your marriage will give you wings to fly, not more anchors to weight your soul.

I am not in love with you. I have previously been so, but I moved on in the face of blatant indifference and stagnant indecision. Along the way, I figured out that what I truly loved about you was us. Our connection was the best non-familial, female-male relationship of my life. I have never loved anyone that way I loved you and I never shall again. So, that is what I mourn upon hearing of your wedding. And I know that is a large part of your own deceit. I am sad knowing that the link that we share can never be the same again. It would be unfair and unrealistic to even try to hold on to the old “us”. So my concern for you and the bereavement of our loss is solitary. And that is as it should and must be.

From a world apart and simultaneously not far away, I wish you the best. Blessings be upon you both.  I hope that your union is a blessed one and that you never walk alone.  I plea that you love her better than you did me and that she adore you and fight for you in a way I never could.

In case I didn’t make this clear earlier, there is no more “us”. We are now friends in a general sense and through the social media lens. Unsurprisingly, I miss you, but I have to find my own wings to soar. I fervently wish to find the divine happiness of living past expectations – and spending my life bemoaning the past is not the way to get there.  I know that you wish me the same luck I wish you.

Love,

Me