Event Horizon

It's funny how things work. My cousin and lifelong partner in crime recently read my December 14th post and had to comment on it, as she was so moved by the theme of letting fear control your life. She used it as a confirmation to move forward with some things in her life, including daily blog-journaling, and to stop being scared.

With that on my mind I went into an situation where I had been actively avoiding admitting my own feelings. I had given the reins of my emotions to someone else and was just waiting and yearning for something more than what we had. But I had never been able to make that leap, to talk honestly, to admit to myself and to him what I wanted. I promised myself that I was going to have this difficult conversation with him. It may not be especially difficult for some people, but for me being this transparent about my feelings is probably my biggest phobia. So, after trying and failing to bare my soul in a face-to-face conversation, I decided to play to my strengths and write him. With extreme trepidation I typed out 5 paragraphs (and untold emotions) into the scariest, most honest email missive that I could manage. I confessed to depth of my feelings and my hopes for what we could be. And I acknowledged the very real possibility that he did not feel the same. Still, pressing the send button was incredibly freeing. My fear was no longer the victor and I was liberated.

It has been several days since I made my declaration and I do not have an answer as yet. But, I have to admit that I didn't expect any response for at least a couple of weeks. I know this man pretty well and I knew that this would be something that he would take his time with, if for no other reason than to not hurt me with quick refusal. So, I take solace in the notion that he is considering it, considering us, and that's all I can reasonably demand.

In all this, no matter what happens, I count it as a victory just in the asking. There could not be a clearer mark in the "W" column for me than swallowing my fear and doing the thing that terrified me so for all these years. So, I'm going to hope for the best, but be satisfied with the growth either way. It's slow going, but I am inching towards becoming the person that I want to be.