Stuck in a moment

So there was a wonderful moment for my family today. A moment that by rights, should make me supremely enthused. My cousin (who is one of my favorite people on the planet) and her husband welcomed a long awaited, and much desired child. And I wasn't really there at all. Don't get me wrong, I am truly happy for them and I already love their new son. But as the texts, facebook updates, and picture mails rolled in from maybe 10 miles away, I thought to myself one main thing ... I'm an idiot.

You see, I'm an idiot because I keep trying to make my dreams fit into my current life, instead of growing my life to match my dreams. As I'm savoring this joyous moment, I have to admit how much I want one in my life. Not a baby per se, but some permanent fixture in my life that makes me joyful. And I think that I have been making all of these excuses and delays why I cannot have that, because I'm terrified to try for it and fail. I have valid reasons why I can't even really fantasize about what it is I truly want in my life, or at least that's what I tell myself. But the plain, unvarnished truth is that I am letting fear and what-ifs control my future.

I had a long talk recently with my aunt who is kinda the mature version of me socially. She has great friends and family, enjoys her life fully, dates often and is generally an on-the-ball person. And as we talked I realized something - The place that she's in, 50 years old, never married, no kids, is not necessarily a life plan that she made. It's just what happened to her in life. She never had the right options at the right time. And I don't want that to be me. She told me that she was never against getting married and having kids, it just didn't happen. And while I believe that she's happy with her life, I can see that it may not have been the big picture that she expected. I would like very much NOT to look up in a few years and be in the same exact situation.

So I guess all of this means that I have to do something to make my life different. My conundrum is, what might that thing be? How do I cultivate a life and love that deviates from what I've been doing for the last 15 years? What can I do to ensure that I'm not a middle aged spinster? I truly wish I had the answer to those questions. And even larger than that, how do I connect with a variant part of myself? As usual, I've got questions with no solid answers. I'll figure it out I suppose. If not, I can at least be gratified that I do indeed have friends and family that can support me in my trials.

Even my mother, who is actively lobbying for me to provide her with grandchildren. But that's a story for another entry ...