Here I go again. Making absolutely the wrong choices at the wrong times. It is my gift. I keep thinking I’m going to get better at this, that I’m going to stop finding so much pleasure in these spontaneous spurts of crazy. But so far, it’s not looking great.
I realize that I’ve made that sound way more vague and mysterious than it actually is. The thing is, I know all of the steps that I could take to make things go more smoothly and but the truth is, they bore me. I need that adrenalin kick that I get from doing something “wrong” (or in some cases, someone “wrong”). I don’t crave it constantly, just intermittently, as a pressure release valve. So every once in awhile I go do something (usually a few things) that makes no sense to anyone but me. And the sense that it does make is completely fractured.
I sometimes think that I should be more normal. Then I remember, I reject the idea of normal. I figure everybody’s got their something – and that’s what makes us all individual and real. So this occasional outburst that I indulge in is just my way of syncing with my place in the world. And it’s not crazy - it’s just me. Or at least that’s what I tell myself to make it fit with my view of myself as pretty reasoned and self-actualized.
Anyway, this has just been me venting and I’m well aware that it’s nonsensical and circular. Welcome to my world. Don’t stare at the sun … it’ll hurt your eyes.
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