Peace in the Balkans

All right people, I’m back. You would think after this long break that I’d be back and in peak condition. But, I’m not sure; I’m still feeling off my game. Well, hang in with me and I guess we’ll see together.


After having some pseudo-deep (and on some occasions, drunken) conversations in the last few months, I have come to realize that most people have the same issues. Well, not actually the same issues, just issues stemming from the same source. I think it’s all about boundaries. Most of the complaints that I hear about relationships are in effect, disagreements about boundaries. They’re questions of “What’s allowed within the confines of a relationship” and “Where do I draw the line”. The thing is, boundaries are completely personal. It’s not like all of the valid areas have been blocked off with crime scene tape. The environs of what’s right for you, rest completely within you.

That being said, how can we possibly get advice on (or even talk out) problems if our parameters are not exactly the same as the person we’re talking to? No one else can decide for you whether your borders have been breached. So continuing to cast about in the world looking for someone to give you the answer you want is pointless. For that matter, someone being completely honest with you is fruitless too, as it’s that person’s version of honesty and rules.

The fairest advice a friend can give you is based on comparing what your current reaction is to what a past reaction to the same stimulus would have been. But, the thing is, boundaries are like the penal code – They should be the same for everybody you deal with, but we all know that they’re not. We’d like to believe that we would hold everyone to the same standards, but it’s all too easy to begin judging people on a sort of emotional sliding scale. How you feel about someone is directly proportionate to how you judge them and their transgressions of our lines. And when we really get wrapped up in someone, we’ll altogether relocate our boundaries so that their behavior somehow fits in.

So all I can suggest to somewhat alleviate these boundary wars is to talk to your partner and be really honest with yourself. The two of you work out the areas of your combined borders. And take this seriously – you have to work on this like the United Nations pounding out a treaty on human rights. Realize that once again, as in so much of life, it’s a compromise. You have to be willing to work out the things that are and aren’t acceptable to you both and then actually live with those things and each other. If you don’t do that, you can still survive, you just can’t prosper. Your relationship will be like so much contested land in the Balkans … under constant warfare.


Note: to the people who will inevitably think this post is about them … it is. But it’s also about several other people who struggle with the same things (including myself when I’m actually in a relationship). Don’t take my thoughts as a personal message to only you, it’s a missive to the world. (Yeah, I know. Ambitious much?)