Being a better person ... and all that crap

I lack the killer instinct that once I had. Or I am just unable to be really ugly to people when I’m sober. Let me explain. A few years ago, if pissed off I had the ability to make a grown man completely enraged (occasionally with hot, angry tears), just by talking. I was (usually) able to do this without profanity, raised voices, or resorting to cracks about his equipment. I found that when is someone is pissed with you and all you do is respond calmly, disinterestedly, and somewhat condescendingly, they tended to get more heated. If I then left the conversation with a look of scornful derision, that was hitting the bullseye. Don’t misunderstand, I was very aware that this method was hostile and somewhat emasculating, but it was effective and I reveled in their upset. That was in the bad old days, when I was living the Sith lifestyle. So now, the reformed me handles disagreements more maturely and in a way that is more secure for everyone’s mental health. But the problem is, now I have no ability to be cutthroat, even when I should.

For example, I had an ex who basically disappeared from my life on my birthday and then maintained radio silence to the point of invisible man status. Then, randomly, a couple of months later he called out of the blue and just started small talking like we would be cool. Old school me would have cut him to the quick … with a quickness. But this new me was so stunned by his unmitigated gall that I was lured into a few brief conversations with a promise of an explanation for his disappearing act. Finally a few days later I informed him (in no uncertain terms) that I no longer wished to hear from him. My exact words were “Don’t text me. Don’t call me. Leave me the hell alone”. And I felt bad afterward, as if I had said or done something cruel to him. I sometimes wish I hadn’t filed off quite so many rough edges, when trying to become a well-rounded person. Some of those sharp edges were helpful.

These days, my method of being done with a man is to gradually phase his presence out of my life and hope that he gets the message. I have always abhorred people whose break-up tactic was to simply fade away. It always seemed like the coward’s way out. I’ve repeatedly advised others to just inform the person that you’re done with them and aren’t going to change your mind (and then stick to that). So this ceasing communication technique is not something I’m super proud of. But it allows me to not directly hurt someone, or at least that’s what I tell myself. And I’m so inured to the practice, that I can’t seem to do otherwise, even when the more vindictive parts of me say that the man earned some rancorous behavior. It drives me crazy!

Maturity is a bitch sometimes!