What are the germane qualifications, exactly?

Someone told me recently she was surprised by the unsuitable men I date. When I looked at her disbelievingly, she started back-pedaling and merely said that she thought I could do better. I thought to myself that it’s a good thing that we’re merely acquaintances (not really friends), because she’s an idiot.

What is a “suitable” man, anyway? I date people I like, period. I enjoy intelligent, funny, down-to-earth men. I don’t care about your career (or maybe more accurately, job) as long as you work and support yourself doing so. I could care less about which university you’re an alumnus of or whether you attended college in the first place. After all, I’d be a huge hypocrite, as I didn’t actually graduate my damn self. I think too many people use career and matriculation as a measure of intelligence and success. As far as success goes, I think I already mentioned that I only want you to be able to maintain your own lifestyle. Yes, I’d like you to provide for the majority of our social outings (I am a southern woman, after all), but you’ll notice I said provide, not pay. There are a multitude of free and inexpensive options that exist. I should know, as I’ve gotten by doing a lot with a little (money) for most of my adult life. And, as far as I can tell, higher education indicates little about the actual intelligence of a person. I’ve known some collegiate level morons. For me, intelligence is not so much about how much obscure book learning you can memorize (although I like that too), it’s about your ability to hold up your side of a conversation. It’s indicated in how well you can reason things out and, let’s be honest, it’s about whether or not you can keep up with me, mentally. Yes, I am aware that sounds completely arrogant, but I am confident in my head game (intellect-wise, at least).

I have dated several people in the service industry, and by that I mostly mean waiters and bartenders. I have no problem with these guys. I don’t take issue with their chosen vocation. In fact, the ones I’ve been with have been more generous, giving and easy-going than most men I have met. Plus their conversation game is tight; they are willing to hear what you have to say even if they disagree and they can sit and talk for hours. They usually know all kinds of cool spots that I’ve missed or never heard of, are willing to try anything once and get along with almost anyone. I think most of them pick these traits up on the job and I like that attitude. Plus, living in New Orleans, a lot of these guys make a (much) better living than I do. The only problem I have with service industry types these days, is the different schedules. I used to be able to hang out with them until all hours, but now I need to wrap it up a lot earlier. Oh well, maturity and all that. LOL

Here’s another one that I’ve heard gasps about. I have dated an ex-con. I can say that I’ve dated only the one (that I know of), because I just don’t meet a lot of them. But I don’t automatically rule them out because of their felonious pasts. After all, my dad is an ex-con; my sister is an ex-con. I know that folks can screw up, it doesn’t necessarily mean that they’re horrible people. At the same time, I don’t go for the “it’s hard out there for a black man” okey doke. It’s hard out there for everyone. Get your shit together just the same. I didn’t say I would date a multiple time felon, but someone who made a couple of missteps, paid the price and is now on track, is a whole different story.

A guy I’m dating currently asked me if I dated persons of other race. I actually started laughing. If you know me for any length of time you’ll probably hear me say that I’m the United Nations of dating – I accept all races and nationalities, as long as you’re not a terrorist. Just because I’m a single black woman does not mean I only date black men. As a matter of fact, my first crush was white (Italian, actually), my first boyfriend was latino (El Salvadorian, specifically) and my first love was black (Louisianan, sadly). I have dated (or had some level of amorous involvement with) people from 5 continents and more countries than I care to count. What can I say? It’s like traveling to me, plus I dig variety. One of the silliest reasons I can imagine for not dating someone is because they’re not the same race you are. While it’s true that different cultures have different experiences and beliefs, I don’t think it’s too much to expect acceptance and compromise when you have to. Really, a lot of the issues that people of separate races perceive as cultural, have a lot more to do with the personalities of the people actually involved.

I suppose that you could make the argument that because I’m still (and perennially) single, I don’t know what I’m talking about here. But I believe that I’m single because I haven’t met the person for me, not because I don’t meet the “right type” of person. I find the idea of only dating men that other people deem “suitable” a laughable concept. One person’s idea of appropriate can be completely different from another’s. I prefer to leave the choice of who I (hopefully) spend the rest of my life with to myself and my own beliefs. I'll just stay open, deal with the stuff that doesn’t matter too much, break camp when things get out of hand and keep trying to learn from my mistakes. I have to assume those steps are a little more important than only dating so-called appropriate men.