stop looking back ... pay attention to the road

A couple of months ago I wrote about not living in the past and about how there weren't any relationships in my past that I am (or should be) holding on to. But, I have to admit that I was lying (don't be too mad at me, I was lying to myself too). There is one man in my past who has an open door, who I would get together with anytime it was feasible. It's crazy, but this man could have the best of me for free, and it doesn't even hurt me to say that. I guess I think of him as the one who got away.

Don't get me wrong here, I'm not saying this person is the perfect dream man, but he is the first man I ever truly fell in love with as an adult woman. And, more fool me, I never told him that, in the months that we were together. Then, the ultimate kicker is, we didn't actually break up; our relationship just faded away after our Katrina forced relocations.

Anyway, this last evacuation put this man back on my radar screen. I haven't talked to him for literally 2 years and all of a sudden, here we are communicating through messages (text & voice). He says he's going to call and I live with the phone attached to me, anxiously waiting for his call like a 6th grader with a crush on the cute boy in spanish class. I listen to the voicemail he left me several times, trying to parse out some clue as to his intentions. It's sad, and I feel embarassed to be a part of it at all. But, just the sound of this man's voice makes me feel alive.

Maybe everything would be different if we'd had a definitive ending. I'm not sure. All I know is I'm still wanting my chance with this man, but sometimes life just isn't fair. I guess we'll just have to wait and see. As far as I can tell, love pretty much sets you up for a gut punch.

AKIP