I used to believe that most things had to follow a very rigid structure - including (or especially) relationships. I thought that my way was pretty much always the right way and I just couldn't understand why nobody seemed to see it like I did. Little wonder that relationships weren't exactly my thing. Or at least romantic relationships weren't; I was and am a great person to be friends with. As time has passed, I have realized that I have to stretch my way of thinking. While I believe that a man should be able to take care of himself, I have this tendency to be pathologically unable to coddle a man. Therefore, it has taken me years to realize that nurturing a relationship (and thereby the person I'm in said relationship with) doesn't mean that I have to become a nursemaid for a grown ass man, but it does mean that I should be capable of doing things to take care of him (as I would assume he is doing for me). If it is something I'd be comfortable doing for my friends, why couldn't I do it for my boyfriend? If one of my friends told me that they were hungry, I would have absolutely no issue making a meal for them. In the past, if my man told me he was hungry I would be hard pressed to do more than show him to the sandwich fixings. And that's just not right. So I am trying, as an intelligent woman, to stop making knee jerk reactions based on my years of "damnit, be a man and take care of your own self" posturing. Man ... growth is hard. *smile*
On a completely different (okay, somewhat different) note, I'm at my favorite point in the aftermath of a relationship (yes, I have a favorite breakup part). I love it when you get past the initial pain and hurt, through the inevitable disappointment and doubt, to the point where you can admit all the things that were wrong with the relationship and your ex. I don't mean that moment that you're still super pissed, when you will detail all of his (glaringly obvious) flaws, foibles, mistakes and just plain f*ck ups, to whomever is suckered, under the guise of support and friendship, into having to listen to it. I mean the the moment where you can calmly reason with and admit to yourself the little things that drove you completely nuts and all of the secret reasons you felt y'all might have had problems down the road. With me, it's that time when I acknowledge all of the small things that I swept under the rug and the huge elephants in the room that I worked my hardest attempting to render invisible. In my latest instance, some of those things are the inate cheapness he had (when he wasn't trying to impress people, at least), his relationship history (I tried not to judge, but some things are just crazy), and his tendency to call me annoying pet names (I'm sorry, I just think "wifey" is stupid). But maybe the biggest thing of all (this is mine and I'll own up to it) was my feelings (minor, but still present) for someone else. No matter if he (the now-ex) was perfect, it would have been difficult for me to be completely "in" the relationship when there was a part of me that was still working out my emotions for someone else. Not that it was actually an option, I was just thinking about it. Anyway, I guess I should be glad that the relationship did end and that I escaped it relatively unscathed. (Although, I should probably be worried that I think of ending a relationship as escaping.) Now I know in my heart that it wasn't truly the right relationship for me, but the expediency of it made it difficult to see that at the time. So, I will just take my time and lick my wounds and then maybe climb my ass back on the crazy ride that is dating. And maybe next time I won't have to actually experience my preferred breakup moment again, because it might be my favorite part, but I could do without it too.
But back to my original question, are there any relationships out there for me that will not consistently make me feel like an idiot or a b*tch? That connection must exist for me, right? Or am I that screwed up? I'll just keep thinking positive, after all it's got me this far. *groan*
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