So I was intending to detail here the opposing position on relationships. That is, I was going to write what women shouldn’t do in a relationship with men. But let’s be realistic, if I had any idea what that should be, maybe I wouldn’t be single my damn self. Truly, if my friends realized that the total amount of time I have spent in relationships as an adult is probably less than I did as a teenager, surely they’d stop asking seeking my advice. Anyway, since we’ve established that the male psyche is not my area of expertise, let me just make it clear that this is a list of things that I think women should do in their relationships, the disclaimer being, obviously I am no expert, but these things seem to send up a lot of flags. I’m not sure if this is totally valid since I’m just venting and spitballing, but here goes:
· Don’t think he’s psychic. – Nobody can read your mind. If you want something, or better yet need something, speak up. He is not your girl that’s known you since 8th grade. He does not know that when you say “Get the hell out of here”, what you really mean is “I need a hug, and some Häagen Dazs”. There is no quicker way to cause seething resentment in both parties than rolling with, “he should’ve known” this or “why won’t he do” that. You need to be like an infant here; make the appropriate noise to indicate your needs. Again, I repeat, IF YOU WANT IT, ASK FOR IT.
· Remember to adjust for translation. – The simple truth of the matter is, women and men speak different languages. Even the very talented multilingual amongst us can’t claim to be a native speaker. So when you think you’ve explained your point clearly and explicitly, be aware that to him it may have sounded like you were speaking Sanskrit. And when he’s telling you exactly what went down with him and his boys, it may sound like the Charlie Brown teacher is talking. Here you just have to do like you would in a foreign country, speak slowly, listen out for words you might understand, try to piece together the concept and hope you didn’t screw up too terribly. Then let it go (and be able to laugh about it if things go too far awry).
· Don’t hate on his interests. – Remember when you met him and he told you that he liked to watch football on Sunday or that he was really into science fiction? He meant that. Don’t begrudge him time to go do the things he likes (unless what he likes is whoring, in which case … get gone). In some cases he might like you to join in his interests. But be okay with it if he doesn’t. This isn’t a huge indication of anything, except that he likes fishing with his boys or washing his car in solitude. People should be able to have their own pursuits, even while in a relationship. In that same vein …
· Do you – Remember when you first met him and told him how you loved movie night with your girls or spa days? You meant that. I know you’re excited to be with somebody, but try to recall who you were before. Obviously he liked that person, so let her thrive and enjoy herself. And if he doesn’t want to let you do those things (like never, not just on the one weekend where his favorite uncle Freddie is visiting, or when you try to go out every Friday with that one crazy buckwild friend) then you probably have the wrong guy anyway.
· Don’t misinterpret the physical. – Don’t get it twisted. Sex is physical, even for women. True it can be a physical manifestation of an emotional reaction, but truly … it’s corporeal. Basically, don’t think sex fixes anything. All sex can cure is the need to have sex. So, if you’re having a disagreement and then you have sex, you didn’t end (or win) the argument. You may stop talking about it, but it didn’t stop existing. Coitus is not a debating technique. The Lincoln Douglas guidelines are not the Kama Sutra. So really, have your fun, but don’t think you’ve managed to ameliorate your issues.
· Watch your mouth – Just as a rule, don’t ever say any of these things:
“If you really loved me …”
“It’s not you, it’s me”
“My ex never __________”
“That’s why I slept with ______”
“Your momma’s a bitch”
Once again, that’s all. Still not educating, just elucidating! Feel free to let me know if I’m full of crap.
Much Love,
AKIP
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