I got together last night with a guy I had been talking to for a couple of weeks. He’s seemed to be a good guy so far, besides a base level vagueness that I associate with the Y chromosome, but last night he committed a super dating faux paux. He is an appallingly bad kisser. Truly, it was awful. There was entirely too much of his tongue attempting to make its way down my throat. And here’s a newsflash man, if I’m pulling my head all the way back, I am not attempting to be coy. I’m just NOT enjoying this. Take notice genius! As I’m sitting through this assault upon my oral cavity, and trying to make subtle adjustments so as not to hurt his feelings or gag myself, he’s just steadily plugging with this stabbing, sliding motion. All I could think was “How soon until I can get the hell out of here” and “I wonder if he’ll notice if I never talk to him again”. Sad to say, but his oscular abilities (or complete lack thereof) made me lose any interest I may have had in him. So as I ponder the quickest and easiest way to be done with him, let me deliver a public service to men and give you a list of dating don’ts. Hey, this should at least keep you in the game until you get to the kissing part. After that, you’re on your own.
· Never ask me why I’m single. – It’s just a ridiculous (and insulting) question. What am I supposed to say to that? “Because I’m a conniving, vindictive, controlling harpy”. “Because I hate people, you included”. “Because I didn’t realize there was another option”. “Because I really like going without sex for months on end”. Really, there is no good answer here. I know you mean it as a compliment, but really just say “I can’t believe you’re still single”. It comes out so much better that way.
· Don’t tell me what I “should” eat / drink / smoke, etc. – I know that you have favorites, we all do. But, there is no reason for you to try to foist them off on me like some kind of crazed zealot. I’m sure that you’ve had some experiences that you’d like to share, but I’m a grown ass woman. I don’t need to hear “you should have ordered the spinach” or “Get the blended whisky, it’s better” from you. I am intelligent (and opinionated) enough to have my own preferences. I’m open to your suggestions, but please try not to phrase it as an order or some inherently logical statement that I just don’t understand.
· Stay away from sensitive areas of conversation, especially early on. – Don’t ask me how many sexual partners I’ve had. You will not like the answer, whether I lie or not. Don’t tell me how much of a bitch/ slut/ tramp your ex is. You will look like a total douche no matter what the woman may have actually done. Don’t tell me about the risqué or kinky sex you’ve participated in. Even if I’m into that, I don’t want to hear about it the first time we meet for drinks.
· Don’t insult my intelligence. – There is a pact we strike by agreeing to this courtship ritual. I agree that I find you at least somewhat attractive and bright. You agree to at least pretend that you believe the same about me. You may have asked me out because of how I looked in a low-cut shirt, but at least act like you suppose I can form complete sentences and thoughts. If you can’t do that, then obviously I was the one who was wrong in our agreement.
· Try (harder) not to stare at women. – I mean all women. Don’t gawk at the waitress, even if she’s got supermodel legs barely covered by her miniskirt. Don’t ogle your boy’s date and wonder if she has a no friends policy. Don’t spend the whole evening staring down my shirt (or at least try to be discreet). Look, we as women definitely put work into garnering visual notice, but no one wants to be viewed like the last steak in the meat market (or at least no one I know). Appreciate, but don’t gape.
· Don’t ask if you can touch me. – I know it’s non PC, but I don’t want you to check if it’s okay to kiss me or rub my back. You instantly lose my respect and you shift all of the control over to me. Just give it a try if you think it’s the right time. Believe me, you’ll know quickly if you’re right or not.
Well that’s all. I hope you’ve learned something here. Though I never claimed to be an educator, I do try and help my folks. Let me know if I left something out. Oh, and do not attempt to perform surgery on my trachea by way of a kiss. Sometimes less truly is more!
--AKIP--
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